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NEOSCHOOL- We've long anticipated the arrival of Neoschools. Ever since I first
began playing NeoPets, I wondered when my pets could get a proper education instead
of laying around the house playing NeoVideo Games. (I know no such things exist.
But you get the idea.) Finally, we're close to the opening of the first Neoschool.
But what will it be like?
NeoHistory- Ah, I can imagine the NeoHistory classrooms now. An old, wrinkled
Krawk with a tight silver bun on her head and dry, yellow corns on her feet
droning about the Neopian economy in the Year 3. But NeoHistory can be fun.
After all, Neopia has a rich past and diverse culture. You might study the origins
of the Mystery Island cannibals or the past pharaohs of the Lost Desert. One
such interesting history lesson might be as follows:
(Lights dim. Class stares attentively at the door, waiting for their Skeith
teacher to pop in. He does so dressed in grand red robes and carrying a gold
scepter.) "The first Meridellian kings… the most noble and brave of NeoPets.
They strove for long years to bring peace and justice to their land. But conquerors
from the surrounding kingdoms worked just as hard to make their jobs miserable."
(Spotlight focuses on teacher.) "The year is 1092 B.N. Emperor Jadestripe;
a green Kougra from the northern kingdom of Rakal has finished conquering the
kingdom of Lima. King Dominic of Meridell is frightened, scared that Jadestripe
might turn his armies toward his peaceful valleys with their rich soil and excellent
fishing industry. For three months, Dominic readies his troops and repairs the
walls of his castle. Three months wasn't enough. On the 22nd day of the Month
of Swimming, Jadestripe attacked."
(Teacher throws robes to the ground, revealing shiny armor and a sword belt.
"This is the standard gear that Meridellian knights took to the battlefield.
As you can see, it was heavy. Too heavy to allow Meridellian knights to move
about freely. This gave Jadestripe's armies an advantage. However, Jadestripe's
armies, whose armor was made solely of leather, were also struck down more easily
than Meridellian soldiers."
And so the lesson continues. See? NeoHistory wasn't so bad. Now on to your
next class: NeoScience.
NeoScience- There's nothing better after a hard period's work at history than
putting on a pair of goggles and messing with dangerous chemicals. Science is
the extreme edge of the Neopian school day. There's nothing more thrilling than
roasting marshmallows over candles to study chemical changes or throwing a watermelon
off the school roof to study the effects of gravity. The ultimate extreme science
teacher will give your NeoPet the chance to do these activities and more. Here's
one NeoScience teacher who put the pedal to the metal and wrecked the teaching
curve.
(Gelert teacher enters in white lab coat; goggles perched on her nose and
gloves covering her paws.) "Today we'll be studying the interactions of this
blue chemical and this green chemical. Young Chia, why don't you come up and
use this eyedropper to drop a tiny bit of green chemical into the blue chemical's
beaker? Don't forget to wear your goggles." (Chia obeys. A noise like fireworks
goes off and a heavy smoke fills the room. The Chia is left standing over the
beaker, soot covering his goggles and hair and a surprised look on his face.)
Okay, so NeoScience didn't work as well as I thought it would. But it could
have been worse. We might have dissected a Quiggle. Once you've gotten the smoky
smell out of your fur, you may proceed to your next class.
NeoMath- Not as thrilling as NeoScience, nor as dramatic as NeoHistory. But
NeoMath has a charm all its own. And that charm is called "word problems". As
in, "If one Pteri is flying north at 45 miles per hour and another Pteri is
flying south at 60 miles per hour, and if Pteri number one is 800 miles away
from the tree with the red leaves and Pteri number two is 450 miles away from
that same tree and it's currently 6:32 a.m. on my watch and there's a mailKrawk
underneath Pteri number one delivering a package to old Ms. Stork the Lenny
and her ferocious Bearog named Killer, at what time will the two Pteris meet?
There are several answers to this question, including, "Pteris can't fly that
fast," "Why is Pteri number one flying north in autumn?" and the ever-popular
"The mailKrawk's probably gonna get a sticky white present from Pteri number
one." All of which are correct.
Other popular word problems include "What is the probability of winning Tombola?"
"What percentage of Neopians owns a NeoHome?" and "How many Skeiths does it
take to screw in a light bulb?"
Once you've mastered the confusion of NeoMath, it's on to my favorite subject.
NeoLunch- Okay, so you can't identify your food, there's something crawling
on your table and the cafeteria Chia in her hairnet gave you a piercing look
when you asked how old the so-called "hotdogs" were. But there's nothing like
giving your brain a break after all of those word problems. You sit at a rusty
old table with your friends, make fun of the teachers, and create sculptures
with your mashed potatoes and talk about life in general. Cafeteria food: let's
face it. If you can't eat it, you might as well transform it into lovely works
of art like sculptures of graceful running Gelerts, dignified heads of Kauvara
and lumpy faces of that Chia cafeteria worker. Yes, lunch is good.
But all good things must come to an end. After lunch, it's time for…
NeoLanguage Arts- Ah, the hypocritical class. The class that tells you to
be creative and yet rejects your "creative" spelling. The class where conjunctions
and pronouns are more than just big words. They're big pains in the rear. But
even NeoEnglish can be fun, if your teacher allows you enough leeway to write
about what you want. For example, my English class was my opportunity to tell
the world about the conspiracy between Edna, the Brain Tree and the Money Tree
who want to take over the world using super-laser vision and a giant cheese-covered
sausage. See, what they do is they use the sausage to lure the Lupes… but I'll
save my insanity for another day, because the bell just rang. It's time for
our next class.
NeoForeign Languages- Ever wonder what it's like to speak a different Neopian
language? Like Maraquan or the tongue of the Mystery Islanders? Well in Neoschool,
your pet can learn to speak foreign languages. In fact, we're going to a Tyrannian
lesson right now.
"Ug ugga ug ug ug?" the Grarrl teacher asks a young Lenny.
The Lenny stares at the teacher. "Er… Ugga ugga ug ug ugga ug ug?"
The Grarrl pauses, face growing red, then, "A week's detention for insulting
my mother."
Hmm… that went almost as well as NeoScience. But our next class might cheer
you up a bit! It's time for…
NeoMusic- Not all of Neoschool has to be academic. There are classes for the
creative too, and NeoMusic is one of them. Neopia has culture, too, and currently
a young Lupe is playing the piano while his Kau companion sings.
(Lupe strikes a low chord, and then wonders how he can play the piano with
paws. Kau starts to sing.) "Mooooooooooooooove over Chomby and the Fungus Balls,
I'm gonna be a star! There'll always be those in my way who'll say I won't get
far."
"Sing higher!" the music teacher shouts. "Your voice is lower than a foghorn!"
(Kau raises her voice an octave) "But I'm gonna prove them wrong you see,
because when I'm singing and just being me…"
"Higher!" the teacher shouts.
(Kau raises her voice another octave.) "I feel so very, very, very…"
"Higher!"
(Again, the Kau raises her voice an octave) "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" (The
sound of shattering glass fills the room as the window breaks with the power
of the Kau's voice.) Er… I think that's been enough NeoMusic. Now for the worst
form of torture the state could ever sponsor…
NeoGym- Tyranny of a worse form than Dr. Sloth could ever impose upon Neopia.
Gym teachers with their balding heads and their sharp, barking voices. This
particular gym teacher doesn't seem too kind.
"What're you girls giggling about? Drop and give me twenty, all of you! Young
Tonu, you're not in your gym shorts!"
"But NeoPets don't wear clothes…"
"I don't care! Get into your gym shorts! What was that? You, yeah you little
Aisha. Something amusing you?"
"No, sir." (The Aisha bursts into fits of laughter.)
"You know what would be really funny? You running laps! Get to it!" (The Aisha
yelps and scampers off. The gym teacher looks for a new victim.) "Hey you! Yeah,
where's the power behind that throw? You throw like a Uni!"
(A Neopet trots over to retrieve her softball and says dryly,) "I am a Uni."
"You want to get smart with me, girl? Chin ups! Now! Ten of them!"
"But how can I grip the chin-up bar with hooves…"
"I said NOW!"
We all leave Neoschool, sweaty and exhausted with aches and pains and a major
headache. Maybe Neoschool isn't going to be too fun after all. And it's all
thanks to that supreme evil called NeoGym.
Author's Note: NeoGym might be the supreme evil, but let me assure you;
the giant cheese-covered sausage was a close second.
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