TCG, CTH, and Big Headed People?

by noremac9

I know a lot of people are going to question my knowledge and credibility on the subject. Well, just check my trophies! I have every card trophy in Neopia... besides all but two. But the two I have are very prestigious. Like the Cheat! trophy, for instance. I'm one of the only people I know with one. I'm also one of the only people I know-- at all. And my Pyramids trophy. There are only several million other people with it. Of course, there's also my NeoDeck. It claims to have three types of pets, but only has two. Very impressive. As you can see, I have all the makings of a great card shark. And sharks lose a lot of teeth. Teeth make the Tooth Faerie happy. The Tooth Faerie gives you money for making her happy. Money stimulates the Neopian economy. So not only am I losing -- which,as of now, is an awesome way to spell winning -- at a lot of card games, I'm a valuable part of the economy. Being a card shark is a very important position, so I hear. Er, be. I mean, like, am.

So first off, I'm going to talk about the TCG -- no, not Totally Crazy Gorillas-- the new trading card game from NeoPets! A lot of people are kind of mixed up on the subject. This makes my job much easier! (It's a lot easier to throw someone totally off if they're already headed in the right direction.) The trading card game is, in a nutshell, a lot like a good cheese. If you play with it, you get happier. If you look at it, you drool. And if you roll it down a hill -- even enveloped in wax -- it's not very tasty afterwards. Or even before, in this case. (Someone did tell me the Illusen card was delicious, though.) Dairy products aside, though, this game is going to cater to people who have played Magic: The Gathering. Considering it's made by the same people, and that all card games borrow from it, if you're already familiar with that game then you'll have a bit of a head start. If not, though, it's not going to be anything a Purple Pet Rock named Sunshine couldn't figure out. Purple Pet Rocks named Edward are more likely to find it challenging, though, so be warned.

For those who want a bit of a sneak peak at the rules, here is what I can surmise. I can't promise any of this is right-- I'm just making assumptions from what I can tell. Like trying to hit an Acko with a Forest Dart... behind a hill... blindfolded... facing west, when the Acko is coming from the east. Also, by the time you read this, the rules will probably already be out. You can still sit back and enjoy good ol' Mr. 9's poor guessing skills, then. Not a bad deal. So laugh away.

There are, it seems, many different types of cards. You've got your Neopets, your equipment, your items, your random events, and your heroes, villains, and experienced Neopets. The Neopets, experienced Neopets, heroes, and villains are all your base cards. All of the above have three information fields: Type, Species, and Element. So let's say it's Balthazar we're talking about-- he would say "Villain I Lupe I Earth." This means he's an evil guy, a Lupe, and has the element of earth. The element is very important because only certain items and effects can be used by or on a certain elemental type. Weapons and food also have elemental types, oddly enough. And that's about all I can surmise. There are also arenas, rivals, contests and more... but it's all very cloudy right now. You'll have to go ask a Kau Seer for the rest. But even I can see it's going to be cool.

There are a lot of other aspects to the new trading card game though. Take the fact that you can just collect them. I don't know about you, but having my very pets engraved on a card sure as heck sounds good to me. What would be even better would be ME engraved on a card... oh, I can see it now!

"Noremac Nine

Loser I Basic Life Form I Dung
AGI: 0
STR: 0
MAG: 0
INT: -1

Whenever you play this card, you have made a big mistake. Take all your cards with you and leave-- you just screwed up your only chance at winning.

'He must be exterminated,' said the Eyrie. 'Let's just leave him be, though-- I think he can handle the job himself. By accident.'"

Hmmm, on second thought, I think it's really cool they only have pets. Really, really cool.

But enough about the new card game, what about the old dumpy one no one loves? While everyone else sees total worthlessness, I see a gold mine! Why, this investment could be even better than all those plants I bought (my best investment ever!). I almost broke even on that one! So I recommend getting all the cards you have and putting them into your safety deposit box to rot for all eternity. Eventually, you're likely to get bored and sell them all for about half of what you bought them for. However, some of you may get almost all of your money back. Pretty good way to rake in the dough.

You can have a NeoDeck that everyone can see for these cards, as well. More than likely, people will look at it and say, "Why did they buy all those?" Unless you don't have one, in which case they'll think, "What a loser, don't even know what a NeoDeck is..." So my advice is to get one and call it, "Why'd I get this?" People will commiserate and think you know all the universal thoughts of the public. (Just so you know, naming your NeoDeck that name does not mean you do. I think.)

Now, as promised, I shall talk about the very strange TCG Staff Tournament. For those of you who play video games, this should be very familiar -- the omnipresent Big Head Mode part, anyway. These people either have the worst-- and onl -- case of bloaty head in Neopia, or they're really smart. Or possibly big boned -- but not fat.

Anyway, this bizarre event is basically going to be a bunch of strange character-people battling it out to the... excuse me? Did you just say it's over? Oh. Well, Captain Canada is neat. Moving on.

And finally, what you've all been waiting for -- the CTH ratio (Card-To-Hard© Ratio)! This revolves around the rhyme frequency between card and hard in any given poem. I surveyed 100 poems, and after all that, I decided that no one likes Card-to-Hard rhyming because they have nothing to do with each other. Realizing this, the meaning of my very existence is faltering. I think I'm actually melting. Wait -- no -- dematerializing. My purpose is complete. This is terrible. I'll my life I've worked for this, and... it's over. Goodbye cruel worrrrrr

[NOTE: Noremac9 is no longer present in our universe, and has gone back to the abyss from whence he came. Could this be the end? To be so lucky. Oh, and this is DEFINITELY not Noremac9 writing.

-Anyone Other Than Noremac9 (And Definitely Not Him!)]

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