NEOPIA CENTRAL - This problem is in our supermarkets, in cafes and restaurants
and even in our fridges! Today, I bring forward the question ‘What are you being
served?’ (I’m not talking about the little Green Grundos hiding in pieces of
meatloaf or Soy Beans and essence of Kau.)
I won’t be as blunt as a Silver Butter Knife cutting paper about this matter
either. In all seriousness I think it is about time someone dressed this issue
properly.
Thanks to me, you’ll never eat take out again and will probably rush out to
buy some plant seeds to grow your own organic crops. Soon, you’ll be wishing
your credit card sprouts a pair of legs and runs off screaming ‘This person
can’t dine at this swanky restaurant!’ So you won’t be attempted to eat out
and be attempted to use your credit card to pay the bill. You can’t when you
card has ran away.
One time, I ordered a plate of Asparagus from a well known restaurant and
to my horror I received a rather limp looking asparagus (which was magenta instead
of green.) It had eerie radioactive green glow which was lit up like a Lenny
being electrocuted by a Grand Lightning Beam.
I demand quality!
I have some proof that I’m not some lying, gnome loving weirdo with a lust
to destroy the whole Neopian Food industry. Mwhhaa!
A) Hello? I didn’t even order glowing Glowing Asparagus. I don’t want to eat
something that will make inside my body glow like a piece of green Neopium.
B) It wasn’t like I had purchased my dinner from the Grundo’s Cafe. So it doesn’t
make sense how I can get that wrong deal?
C) When was Asparagus magenta?! It isn’t a delicate shade of green? (I don’t
believe I know what colour magenta is, quite candidly my art can pass off as
dung smeared on a blank canvas.)
Real Food or Cannon Fodder?
Yuk! I'm not eating this!
The food on Neopets isn’t all what it seems anymore. The vision of good and
wholesome food in Neopia is turning rotten. This article will expose the explosive
truth about C.P foods. The things that Jhuidah didn’t want you to know.
If the phrase ‘you are what you eat’ is correct, that means we all are Mutant
Neopets? (We’ll all have to confine to the sewers now and live as recluses!)
As you may or may not know, most Neopian Food is scientifically modified by
Al and his little Chia scientists in white laboratory coats. From Chia Treats
to genetically altered peanuts (who would of thought?), you name a food and
it has probably been mutated somehow and somewhere down the line in the food
production process. All before it gets put down on your plate staring at you
in the face saying ‘I see gourmet people!’
(Yet another caption not to post to get into the Caption Contest.)
Is bigger better? Yes, in this case using lab ray advice, the group of Chias
have discovered that they can turn even the smallest pea can be transmogrified
large enough to feed a starving family of 10 Lennies in the pound. Hybrid foods?
Some may say this is wrong but this is a way of life we may have to face and
adjust to in the near future.
Besides zapping foods, there are many other disgusting food processes I haven’t
mentioned. You really don’t want to know, what really is in your Bluna Burger?
Don’t think I will mention the disgusting processes that your burger has been
though. Do Bluna burgers contain 100% Bluna patty? Or how about Quiggle Pie.
Er, I mean Meaty Pot Pie.
Going a bit off the topic, but still regarding food, I would like to mention
a few more points in my article.
The Cooking Pot/Jhuidah
I don’t trust Jhuidah! Look there’s a skull next to the pot!
I have another major concern (even though modified food is near the top of
my list of worries) which I think regards every Neopian’s safety. The threat
of out of date Halloween Candy or Christmas Candy Canes are nothing compared
to this.
My worry is to do with the Cooking Pot. If you been living under a Rock Negg
for the last few years (or few weeks for the Mystery Island plot a month ago)
and don’t know what the Cooking Pot is, I’ll explain what it is.
If you put a certain selection of items into the Cooking Pot, you may create
something very special. There are many different recipes to discover, you can
make anything from rare foods to super rare Petpets. Trick is, you just need
to find out what to put in the pot.
Say, you throw in a pitchfork, a Peachpa Cocktail, flour, a pinch of world
domination, Lucky Green Boots, a Times legacy and a stack of fanmail. What do
you get?
A)Stone ‘Gingerbread’ man X3?
B)A cardboard cut-out of Sloth torturing Roxy?
C)Shidi Sugar Snap?
D)None of the above.
Correct answer is D, if these items are put into the melting pot.
“Sorry, this combination doesn’t exist! Only plushieowner’s head!”
Have fun trying to found out combo with 9969 different items! :D
Everyone loves Jhuidah!
Look at that evil smile! She's plotting something!
That's her problem, she is too loveable and cute like most Neopet Faeries.
The time I tried to contact her for an interview but then she got kidnapped.
Speaking of loveable, would that be a reason to kidnap her? Why not! Kidnap
a well known high profile celebrity such as the coconut clad, bikini wearing
girl with the tanned look most girls would sit under a Portable Kiln for days
to achieve.
Before anyone, Neomails me for the record straight I’m not jealous of her
drop dead gorgeous looks. As if!
Finally a reason to run for your life (or at least from Jhuidah) is ‘The Cook
Pot’. Or Crook Pot as I like to call it.
Does Jhuidah bother cleaning it? Do the meat juices dibble off your Meat Stars
onto your Veggie Pasta?
One day, all these herbivore (plant eating, if you don’t speak primitive Tyrannian)
Neopets could all magically transform into ‘carnivorous Skeiths with appetites
the size of the Catering Section of the Neopian address book’.
You don’t know whether Jhuidah uses gloves or clean utensils? Does she mix
foods in the pot with her dirty hands (or does she get Pango to do her dirty
work for her?) which she has handled raw food ingredients and Petpets that you
don’t where they have been playing. Ewww...
Not only is there a threat of food poisoning, it is general bad hygiene. There
should be a trophy for ‘how many poisonous B.B.Q Porkwiches you can force your
Neopet to consume in one sitting’.
Possible New Neopets Game!
To eat something from the pot is a test of tolerance and endurance to see
if you ‘outfit and outlast’ your churning stomach. Here’s an new idea for a
game, Neopets! Feel free to use it, if you like.
Sort of a cross between ‘Pick your Own’ and ‘Test your Strength’. Therefore
the game shall be called ‘Test your Own’. How original!
The object is to mix up your own Cooking Pot recipes before time runs out
and Jhuidah contaminates your food. There’s 10 levels to complete. Some combos
are more valuable than others, earning more points than others.
If you make a unstable combination of items listed (similar to Chemistry for
Beginners), you automatically lose and it is game over. A black screen comes
up with Jhuidah going “MWHHAA!”
Manna or Menace? You decide what you are eating.
Author’s Note: Author doesn’t take any responsibility for putting you
off eating your next breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner/snacky wacky or all of the
above (unless you are some kind of fat cat orange Wocky.)
| 
