YOUR DUNGEON: So Much More Than A Holding Cell
Ahh, the dungeon. Perhaps no other facility will
be better utilised or enjoyed by the successful Evil Overlord or Overlady. The
form it takes varies as widely as the circumstances in which various Evil Overlords
find themselves. For the beginner, it may be as simple as a large pit in the
ground with a cover on top. For those like myself who have succeeded beyond
even my wildest dreams, it consists of a super-deluxe, beyond state-of-the-art
facility in a special section of my space station. The beauties that are available
with those sorts of resources are truly mouth-watering. I highly recommend the
electro-zap 3000 system. Having electrified floors in all of the cells can prove
highly entertaining, as well as being a useful tool in training your prisoners.
There is, of course, more to the dungeon than
just utility. You must make sure the decor fits with your Evil Overlord image.
Don't make the mistake of some beginners who assume that any old moldy tomb
looks "evil" enough. It's the personal touches that count. A few skulls posted
in strategic places can make all the difference- just make sure you monogram
them so that everyone will know whose trophies they are.
That said, the next most common mistake of almost
every Evil Overlord/Overlady is to fail to realise the full potential of their
dungeon. That's where this guide comes in. There are so many uses that I now
present you the list without further ado.
Profit Making
Yes! A successful dungeon can actually be a
financial plus to your balance sheets. Too many Overlords spare no expense,
but then fail to realise how to turn a profit at it. That does awful things
to your cash flow, not to mention to your accountants when they have to tell
you that you're losing money. How do I turn a profit, you ask?
The fastest way to dungeon riches is to realise
that your prisoners are free labour. The only things you're out are a few moldy
crusts of bread, a bowl of watery soup, and whatever other rations you generously
supply them. The tasks they can be put to are limited at first, but expand later
on as you train them to be proper servants. They may start pumping on electrical
generators and after a while graduate to painting the registration numbers on
your starship. I have even heard of some conversions from Group B to Group A
doing this (note: see previous chapter on interpersonal relationships if you
missed it) but the reports were sketchy and not fully reliable.
Do not even think about proceeding further into
this section until you put the above tip into practice. As an Evil Overlord,
you face the common mistake of letting people in Group B do nothing but sit
around and plot. Before you know it, they may degenerate from B right down to
D. Work them so hard that all they can do between labour shifts is lay on their
cell floor/pile of straw /custom-contoured torture pad and sleep. Work and sleep...
the two things that will make sure nothing else happens that might possibly
concern you.
Your dungeon produces all sorts of useful by-products--or
it can, if you design it correctly. Dung, for instance, always makes good fertiliser.
For myself, I have found some natives that will actually buy it for use in their
furniture-making facilities, but that was a stroke of luck that you will probably
not be able to duplicate.
Another useful by-product comes when you dispose
of your prisoners. I also have a contract with several groups of natives that
lets me supply them with such delicacies as pasta and eyes, eye candy, toe nail
soup, and finger crisps. If you aren't fortunate in finding some suckers- erm,
enlightened natives- then you can always feed it to your pets. (Note: any wild,
half-starved, and vicious animal that you use in your torture chambers is an
acceptable substitute.) If even they turn it down, then as a last resort you
can have it fed to your troops.
Another little money-maker, if it is managed
right, is guided tours. The trick here is to recognise what types of people
will pay to go through and see the delights you offer in your dungeons. Here
are the major categories and how to handle them:
1. Thrill-seekers. These poor wannabes have fun scaring themselves with
your work, but they don't have the stomach for the real thing. Give them some
harmless thrills (the old 'stage an accident' routine can work nicely when you
have an accomplice in the group), and remember that you want to titillate them
by leaving them thinking it just might turn real. Don't worry, they'll be back!
2. Reporters. These people are interested in getting the "real dirt"
on your operations. They are troublesome in that they usually try to slide off
on their own, although you can amuse yourself by pretending to let them get
away with it, then "finding" them at just the right time and... well, I won't
spoil your fun by suggesting exact methods at that point. These can be good
repeat customers if you frustrate them so that they just know there is more
in there, but they can't find out exactly what it is.
3. Long-lost whatevers. This category contains all of the long-lost
and distantly connected people to your dungeon's occupants (or former occupants).
They are similar to reporters, though easier to predict since their focus is
more limited. Handle them much the same way that you do the reporters.
4. Budding young Evil Overlords. If you're a successful Evil Overlord,
don't be surprised to find several good youngsters in your groups. They've come
to admire your work and get ideas for their own future programs. I highly recommend
encouraging them. Not only will they be back numerous times, they provide a
rich pool of talent for your own armies- or as potential successors, assuming
you had to toss your last potential successor out the airlock.
Training
Any good Evil Overlord knows that good training
is the key to having good troops. Expansion is good, but too many Evil Overlords
expand so fast that their troops just don't get good training. Why they don't
think of using their prisons to help augment their usual training programs is
beyond me. (Note: since a lot of Evil Overlords usually have training programs
consisting of "here is your spear, this end points towards the enemy", it's
easy to augment them.)
Guard duty and sentry duty in your dungeon is
a good way to keep them occupied, and serves as training for when they do the
same thing out in the field. There's the additional bonus of having not only
potentially dangerous prisoners around, but also the torture- erm, disciplining
facilities- on the premises as well.
One good way to test your troops' readiness
is to let a couple of them loose in a crowded cell or yard with your prisoners.
Whip out your handy audiometer and measure the decibel levels of the resulting
screams. Score it on a scale of 1 to 10 by subtracting forty and then dividing
that by seven. If your troops are the ones doing the screaming, multiply the
result by -1 to show your displeasure and do a quick check of your recruitment
system. If you hear mostly dead silence, with only the crunch of bones and smacking
of lips, your troops are either very ready for battle, or else someone has been
short-changing their rations again. Double-check your army's supply corps.
The benefits to training programs continue even
after they serve their time in your dungeons. I have heard of many friendships
started among troops bonded together by their common experiences in these situations.
It is truly heart-warming to hear two of your minions, mutual strangers, who
can immediately start an enthusiastic conversation about the various sorts of
tortures that they witnessed or were fortunate enough to carry out in your dungeons.
Some of the more detailed descriptions can be quite stimulating, and you might
even learn of a few new twists yourself, you never know.
Soporifics
The dungeons can provide you with a source of
relaxation as well. Imagine this scenario: you've had a hard day ruling most
of the known world Your loyal subjects are demanding more and better of everything,
and you've had to personally carry out several forcible Group D to B transfers.
Then to make things worse, some heroic type actually carries out a D to A self-conversion
and you have to listen to this disgusting person sing your praises. An Evil
Overlord can only stand so much of this cloying sweetness before needing an
antidote. Ah, but then you have it! The screams of anguish and horror coming
from your dungeons are piped directly to your private bedchamber, and you immediately
began to relax and smile again as you listen to their pleasant strains. It's
enough to cure even the worst case of strung-out blues or insomnia.
The only problem with it is that it can be habit-forming.
After a while, being deprived of your nightly ego-boost can leave you tired
and edgy the next day. Granted, that's a good way to swell your Group B ranks,
but you want to enjoy those transfers, not do them out of a simple knee-jerk
reaction caused by scream deprivation. I recommend using this only for the occasional
times when you really, really need a stress-reliever.
Research
I almost decided to put this into the profit-making
category, but since it only leads the way to profits (and doesn't make a profit
itself) I put it in its own section. Any Evil Overlord or Overlady worth the
name will have experience in medical research from childhood on. Note: check
out the earlier sections about an Evil Overlord's childhood if you missed it.
Continuing your research using people in Group
B is a logical extension that most Evil Overlords quickly grasp and often execute.
True, some don't execute before they use their subjects, since some research
is best done on living things. Either way, a steady stream of experimental subjects
is a very nice fringe benefit.
But that's not all! Much more research can be
done than simple medical examinations. Remember, you have here a small, tightly
controlled, society. Exploring personal relationships through controlled experiments
such as locking a carefully selected group of subjects together can be intriguing,
and perhaps even useful. Other possibilities would include deliberately varying
the cruelty and type of treatment between your subjects and observing the effects
upon moods and relationships.
Exploration into the fringes of personal behaviour
are also possible. Such simple things as withholding food, and then letting
them loose in a temptingly delicious (but inedible) environment can be entertaining
as well as useful. Piping in Two Gallon Hats music 24/7 into a cell also lets
you time how long someone can last while they deliberately beat their heads
into the cell wall in time to the music. I heard of one Evil Overlord who piped
in an endlessly looped version of legal contracts, read by the lawyers who wrote
them, but that seemed totally overboard, even to me. Sure, I'm an Evil Overlord,
but even Evil Overlords can have their limit.
Strobing the cell lights is another good way
to test the limits of rational (and even irrational) behaviour I usually vary
this technique by changing the strobe flashes to an irregular flash. A couple
of times, I have seen a bright prisoner figure out that the flashes might contain
encoded messages. They were right. Watching their reactions when they finally
figured out what I was telling them was worth all of my effort, even if they
thought it not worth theirs.
The possibilities of a well-organised dungeon
are truly limited only by your imagination. Remember, the above tips are just
to get you started on the way to a profitable, enjoyable, relaxing, and even
educational career of dungeon administration.
Oh, there was one thing I wanted to add about
the wild animals (or pets) that you have in your dungeon.... but that can wait
until the next chapter on "Pets: The Evil Overlord's Most Loyal Sidekicks".
To be continued... | 
