Dung Furniture: It Stinks! A Consumer Report

by Dondria

Hello, this is Dondria here. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Shidi's Faerie Aisha. I'm here today to warn you about a disturbing home furnishing trend that comes to us from the new world, Tyrannia. I'm talking about dung furniture. Now, I know there's a compulsion you humans have to buy things that are new just because you think they're "Trendy" "hip" or "cool". Dung furniture is none of these. Quite frankly, it stinks!

Now, I know some of you are hoping that dung furniture may not be made out of what it sounds like. I was hoping this myself, so I asked some experts in the field of dung management to analyze the furniture's content. I took it to the Bug Brothers and their friend, Barthalow Buzz. They sure know their dung. After a few hours of sampling (please don't ask about this process!) they came to the following conclusions.

"It's dung" Barthalow assured me. "High quality Grarrl dung, in fact" the Bug Brothers assured me. "Very fragrant!" they exclaimed, and then asked if they could have the furniture for their own personal enjoyment after I was done testing. As I wasn't really planning on decorating my room with the brown stuff, I agreed easily to this proposal.

First, let me tell you what a hard time I had getting dung furniture into the house to test it to begin with. Mom was definitely in no big hurry to have dung in the house, so I had to agree to clean up after it. And as we carried it in, it left a really stinky brown trail behind it. Can you say, ew? It at least stayed together in a...clump like formation. A fly or two followed us in, and started making themselves at home on the dung.

Now.... I wasn't exactly going to sit on and in that stuff to try it out myself. I'm not stupid. So I tried to get my sister Nowne to sit on it instead. "No way!" she quickly protested. She did, however, come up with the great idea of getting our brothers to sit on it. They're like most boys... they'll try anything once if you convince them it's a good idea.

So we started doing the "Wow... look at our great new furniture. You're not allowed to sit on it, nyah nyah!" thing. It worked like a charm. Through the magic of a hidden video camera, we were able to capture some pretty funny dung testing moments. A transcript of some of the funnier portions is included here.

Emorali: Hah! The girls are out shopping... come on Gaelan, let's go sit all over their furniture.

Gaelan: Yeah... hehe... They'll never know.

[Both boys walked into the room and looked at the furniture in astonishment]

Emorali: Um... it looks sort of…green and brown, doesn't it?

Gaelan: Yeah… smells funny too. Why don't you try it first, Em?

Emorali: Um... no, that's okay. After you.

Gaelan: Er...um... okay… I'll just try this bathtub out. [Fills the tub up with water and hops in without looking] Agh! The water's brown!! Agh! My fur!

Emorali: Brown water? What?! [plops down onto the couch and sinks about half a foot in] This is all squishy… [sniff sniff]… what is this stuff?

Shidi: [walks in] Oh... I see you boys are trying out that dung furniture. Crazy kids... heh... we'd have never sat on dung when I was growing up… [walks out]

Emorali: Dung?!

Gaelan: Dung?!?!

As you can see, dung furniture is pretty amusing to use to play a practical joke on your brothers with. Beyond that, its pretty unsanitary, smelly, and nasty. Gaelan and Emorali still haven't gotten all the brown out of their fur. I would highly recommend that you think twice about buying any furnishings made from this dung here.

Dung furniture: It stinks, and shouldn't be used by anyone--except maybe Buzzes. The Buzz and the Bug Brothers did seem to enjoy the furniture after we brought it to them. Go figure.