Evil Overlording For Dummies - The Secret Manuscripts of Dr. Frank Sloth: Part Four

by littlelysshu

Peace Through Superior Firepower

Now that you're all grown up, have your Evil Overlord alias, costume and sidekick, and have your locale for conquest chosen, it's time to talk about equipment. After all, one can't exactly march up to a nuclear power with an army of Neanderthals armed with pointy sticks. Well…one could, but it would be a very bad choice.

Now, when I talk about "Firepower", I'm not just referring to huge planet-crushing cannons and gene-altering ray guns. You must be technologically superior in ALL aspects to whomever you're conquering. For example, let's take the Grundo Homeworld.

Those pathetic wretches had no weapons, no army, no brains, etc. There they sat in pastoral ignorant bliss, talking gibberish and smiling inanely at each other. I, on the other hand, had a wonderful Space Station (a gift from dear old Granddad, Surgeon General Sloth), and enough robots to round up every last one of the chubby little resources.

Now not everyone has a Space Station. That's why it's vital to conquer an uninhabited planet FIRST… unless you're born independently wealthy or are an accomplished white-collar criminal. With said uninhabited planet you have resources such as natural ores and gas that can be sold. You have native wildlife to auction to menageries and private collectors. Most importantly, you have a whole WORLD of your own, to farm, to log and to build the home base for your future army upon! And of course with an uninhabited world all you have to do is go find it…and everyone knows how to hot-wire a spaceship.

Once you have your base planet conquered and have made a good deal of money through resource exploitation and sound investing, it's time to SPEND! Of course, before you spend you must have done your research. All those empty hours waiting for the money to come rolling in are perfect time to study the latest weaponry and computer technology. I highly recommend an ongoing subscription to "Rayguns and Blammo", and "TechnoGeek Weekly". They always give wonderful new product reviews.

All right, now you've done your research, made your money, spent your money on the best in guns, robots, space-going mayhem, and other wonders of the Information Age. I'll bet you think you're ready to conquer another world…one with people! Well, you're right! Just make sure they have no army of their own, no competing technology, and are, as a race, potentially strong enough for hard combat and long-term abuse.

You need technology to train, condition and mutate your army too, of course. I highly recommend the "Gene-Queen 6-5000" for turning the most harmless and fluffy of species into your mutant slaves. This little beauty will increase their muscle mass like no workout program ever envisaged ever could. It will also decrease their overall brain mass, leaving no room for things like the self-control, conscious and morality centers of the brain. But what the hey, who really needs all that anyway? Certainly no mutated minion, nor the insidious master or mistress who holds sway over him.

There is another way to get new mutant slaves. Develop wonderful Transmogrification Potions. Nobody will know what they do. Just dupe the owner of the local dispenser of potions and such into thinking that they're a wonderful curative or something. It would help if the potions tasted halfway decent, but that is not truly needed. Soon inhabitants from all over the world you're trying to conquer (or any other world you pass for that matter) will be drinking the potion…and becoming your mindless evil slaves! I recommend starting a franchise of "Wonder Potion Emporiums" or something along those lines. That way you can simply stop by every once and a while and pick up anyone who has drank your brew, and whenever one world catches on, you can move on.

The need for technology does not stop at your army and their equipment. What good is a fierce, unbeatable army if they're staying in pup tents on some beach somewhere? Anyone who wanted to could come in while your mindless minions are sleeping and wipe them out…or worse, change them back to the way they were! I'm sure none of you want that. Therefore, it is vital to have a strong, inaccessible home for yourself and anyone else you have bent to serve your evil ways.

I prefer a space station. It's easy to restrict access, control resources and defend against invaders. Of course, a simple castle will do for those of you conquering pre-industrial worlds, or even a series of easily-hidden underground caves.

Is it necessary to have a secret base? No. In fact having a huge, imposing castle or space station looming over the populace you hope to conquer can be quite the handy little terror tool. But if you're worried that someone might breach your carefully-laid out defenses, or if there's someone as evil as you are already in power, then keeping your home hidden can be a real plus.

"But Doctor Sloth…" you ask "what if there's a really nice castle already there and I want it for my own?" For one thing stop whining before I turn you into a slug. For another, that's easily solved, just destroy or mutate everyone inside. You'll be living the high life in no time.

Now, let me give you my exacting schematic for the PERFECT base of operations…MINE! First, you have to have the best materials. I prefer to mix my own alloy of tungsten, titanium, a pinch of red dye #3 for appearances…

***

And there the manuscript ends. I have several theories on why this is. I think that possibly Dr. Sloth realised how boring he was being, and stopped there to do something fun. Of course I was on strong medication when I thought up that theory, so it's hardly likely. Far more likely is that at this point in his writings the Space Faerie brought down the full force of her winged wrath upon his evil behind, thwarting his plans and ending any thoughts he had of ending up on the Neopian Times' Best Seller List. (:

But could my decoding of his work be feeding his ego and encouraging his rise to power? Gee I hope not! What I really hope is that by exposing his black, twisted brain for scrutiny by the whole world I can either a) shame him from the face of Neopia or b) give us all a little insight and a better way to defend ourselves against his next evil onslaught!

The End