Dear Crabby: Bring On the Happy!

Well, readers, I'm back in all my crabby glory! Or not. You see, my last article was so popular that even some psychiatrists took notice and wrote in. However, they didn't send in their advice questions. They sent a prescription. It seems that my crabbiness isn't just my name, it's a disorder. So those friendly psychiatrists prescribed me some happiness pills! Isn't that great? I feel so happy now! In fact, I feel that my column is heading in a new direction: towards happiness! No more crabby responses that don't actually help. From now on, I'm going to be as helpful as possible!

The doctor that filled my prescription warned me about some side-effects, though, and I figured I'd warn my faithful readers as well. I guess the happiness can wear off at random times throughout the day, and my daily activities could reflect this sudden reversion to crabbiness. So be warned, readers! The crabbiness isn't completely gone! Argh! I can't stand this stupid happiness, but if I don't take the pills, my column will be canceled! Help me readers! If you're reading this, save me from the pills!

Ahem. Sorry about that. One of those relapses, you know. On to the advice!

***

Dear Crabby:

I bought stocks several years ago and have grown rather attached to them; they are my friends. However, recently the worth of them has increased dramatically. Now I'm wondering whether or not I should get rid of my friends to make a buck. Please help!

-Stocks Are Friends, Not Food (Or Money)

Dear Stocks:

My crabby self would tell you to sell them, as there's no true friend in this world but money. But now I can tell you my true feelings! I want you to keep those stocks, and never sell them! Those sheets of paper are too important to be sold, and you should reflect that. Maybe paint the deeds with a bright myriad of colors? That'd totally show that you guys were best friends!

This is sickening. I can't believe I'm actually writing this. Sell those stocks, I say! Do it!

***

Dear Crabby:

I was a Lupe until about 4 days ago, when I got transformed into a Shadow Chia through a morphing potion my owner bought. This is really good and all, since I look pretty cool but... my natural Lupe instincts tell me to eat myself. Please help me because it's hard to write while biting my wrist.

-Hungry in Haunted Woods

Dear Hungry:

You poor dear! What a terrible predicament you're in. I would suggest buying some Chia Snacks to eat. Sure, it'll look weird when you're buying them, but it's for your own good. I hope you can adjust to this terrible change in your life.

I'm seriously laughing my head off right now. That's the funniest thing I've heard all week. Too bad for you.

***

Dear Crabby:

Don't tell anyone, but I'm a Feepit working undercover for the PPL to test out owners. My owner is the laziest, meanest, and most dim-witted Kacheek in the world! I mean, I live in a house outside, attached to a five foot chain! I need help escaping, but I'm never let out, and the 'house' doesn't even have a good roof. Hopefully when I send this my owner doesn't read the mail. Or else I'll be dressed up in pink bows.

-A Feepit in Distress

Dear Feepit:

Oh dear. You need to get some help. Have you tried talking to your owner? Try writing him a long, thoughtful letter that shows your opinion on the matter. He'll definitely come around if he knows what you're thinking. I do hope your living quarters improve!

Who am I kidding? That'd only worsen the problem! I swear, this happy side of me must be as dumb as they come. Write him a letter?! Don't do it! You have no chances of getting a better life, so you might as well give up now. Sorry.

***

Dear Crabby:

I am a baby Kougra. Now, ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem, but no one takes me seriously! People don't ever talk to me like I'm a grown-up, although I'm older than my two sisters. And they give me baby toys, baby food (yuck!) and unwanted attention! And don't even get me started on the personal bubble invasion of diaper changing. What can I do about my terrible situation?

-Baby Blues

Dear Baby:

Aw, ickle babykins is so cyoot! Why would you want to grow up? You're too cyoot to grow up! Don't do it! Stay a baby forever!

Did I really just write that? I feel sick...

***

Dear Crabby:

I have three sisters and a female owner. Every now and then I get this weird urge to wear make up or play with Usukis. Is this normal?

-Girly Boy Grundo

Dear Girly:

Sure, Usukis and makeup are fine! Who says only girls can do that stuff? I would suggest Fire Truck Red lipstick, it goes great with anything you wear! Coral Pink accentuates your lips without being over the top, but my personal favorite would have to be Fuchsia. It is simply a great color!

I'm literally crying right now. How do I know all of this stuff? Oh, and dude: get a male friend. He'll do wonders for your manliness. You need it.

***

Dear Crabby:

My Gelert has a problem with practical jokes. What can I do to stop him from being so serious?

-An Owner with 3 Playful Pets, and one Not-So-Playful Pet

Dear Owner:

Practical jokes are not funny. I myself have had many jokes played at my expense, and it is not fun. People just don't understand that jokes hurt, ok? Don't do it!

Wow, my happy self is being serious? Weeeird... anyways, Owner, here is my real advice: play as many jokes on the Gelert as you can. No holds barred. Not only will it loosen him up at least a little, but it'll be incredibly hilarious.

***

Dear Crabby:

What's your favorite color?

-Pointless Question Lover

Dear Pointless:

What a perfectly wonderful question to ask me! I'd have to say my favorite color is mauve, followed by sky blue, then perhaps periwinkle, and any color of pink!

And just so you know, there's no such thing as a pointless question! All questions are valued!

Pink?! Disregard anything this imposter says, please. Black is the best color.

And not only was your question pointless, but you are pointless.

***

Dear Crabby:

I am trying out for Yooyuball in my school and thankfully I made it. Every time I practice my team never passes me the ball. Either that or they like to chuck it me real hard so I see novas dancing in a circle. What do I do?

-Yooyu Target

Dear Target:

Aw, that's terrible! I'm so sorry for you! Perhaps try talking to them? Or better yet, talk to the Yooyus. If they know the problem, they'll probably try to avoid you, don't you think? Hopefully that helps! *hugs*

Okay, now I'm just going to ignore myself. My real advice: throw it right back at them harder. Didn't you know violence is the only solution to problems like these?

***

Ugh. I have never felt sicker. I'm never taking another one of these pills, ever. In fact, I've fed the rest of them to my brother, Mopey (Once again, I didn't choose our names). He's a Grey Krawk, and I cannot tell you how funny it is to see a Grey Neopet singing and dancing giddily. It is truly a sight to behold.

Before I sign off, I'd like to take the time to write a short note back to the psychiatrists:

Dear Psychiatrists:

My name is Crabby. I am a Mutant Lenny. My personality fits with my name, ok? So don't go running around thinking you can change things, thinking it's what the patients want. First of all, I'M NOT YOUR PATIENT! Second of all, maybe I like being crabby. It's the persona, you know? It fits me, I fit it. Finally, I'd like to see your papers certifying that you guys are doctors. What you did to me was cruel, and scary, and it made me cry. Please, please, PLEASE don't ever give those pills to another being (besides my brother).

Your unhappy (and proud of it) patient,

Crabby

If you have a question for me, Crabby, send a neomail to dan4884. It may get answered in an upcoming Dear Crabby article. Please note that not all questions will be used and your username will not be credited.

'Til next time, readers. I've got to lie down for a bit...