Ahnnilator's Guide to Birthday Parties

Cyneo: AHEM! You never threw a party for me!

Did I? Doesn't make much of a difference, though. Whether you're throwing parties for your owners or for yourself, or if you're having your owner throwing you a party (in which case, hand this article over to them NOW!), here are some tips.

Throw a party for anyone and everyone. Everyone loves parties, and everyone loves birthdays. However, if you're a bit lazy...

Cyneo: LIKE YOU!

Shush. Anyway, if you're a bit lazy to throw a birthday party for someone else, hire a professional party planner; let them do all the work, then just show up at the party, help blow out the candles, and then make small talk with your friends and throw in snippets about all the effort you put into the party. Works every time. I know this from personal experience.

Now, for invitations. Only invite rich and famous people. That is, if you're rich and famous yourself. Otherwise, invite all your friends and a few rich and famous people. Hey, they might not actually come to your party, but then again, you can brag after the party how you invited King Skarl to your birthday party.

For your invitations, make them huge! Flashy! Exciting! And not out of cardboard. (Hospital visits from allergic reactions to cardboard birthday party invitations have gone up, you know.) Always be sure to include the famous people you invited who "May or May Not Show Up", the time, the place, and how many varieties of cake and ice cream you have in your refrigerator.

For actual things to do at the party, keep only one thing in mind: CAKE. CAKE. CAKE. CAKE. Keep thinking that. Cake should be the entire theme of your party. Eat cake. Stuff your presents in cake. Play games revolving around cake. Just do anything that centers around cake.

But if for some crazy (and very crazy at that) reason you don't want to theme your party around cake, theme it around something that everybody likes that, well... isn't cake. For example, if you're having an all-Blumaroo party, a Dice-a-Roo theme would work nicely, whereas if you were having a party of say, Blumaroos, Lupes, and Kougras, that might not work out so well. Therefore, if you're having a mixed group party and you don't want to center it around cake, center it around pie. And if you don't like pie or cake, base your party around natural disasters. Everybody likes a good ol' tornado or hurricane, right?

Well, when you're ready to actually begin the party, and all your guests have arrived, always make them put presents and other gifts in one central spot that's easily recognizable, such as a fireplace or a swimming pool. Why? Later on you can improvise and make such fun games as "Who can grab the present they gave me out of the fireplace without getting second degree burns!?" or "Who's the best swimmer?" These games will keep your guests shocked and entertained for hours and days on end. You'll be talk of the town, and just maybe if you try hard enough, the talk of all of Neopia. Just be careful not to get too popular because of your actions or shunning may result.

Also, always make sure that your guests are constantly well-fed and that they're not thirsty. If the opposite is true, disastrous things may happen; food containers may be raided and household plants may be uprooted. The most popular party food is cupcakes and the most popular party drink is now water for some reason, but if you're playing "Who's the best swimmer?" getting enough water won't be much of a problem.

And for another thing, make sure your guests never get bored. You must always try and keep the party interesting by any means possible. If it means hiring a bouncy jump at the last minute, do that. If it means baking another cake, do it. If it means force-feeding your guests candles from your first birthday cake, do it. Treat each birthday party like it was your first- or perhaps your last, you choose.

Cyneo: Oh yeah? You never treated my birthday parties like they were my first or last! And none of them were interesting! And none were based around cake...

Oh, shush. Anyway, like I was saying, you must keep the party interesting at all costs. This is why it's best to have loads of extra cash on hand. Even if you're really poor, an extra two or three or maybe even one neopoint(s) will do the trick. Plant a tree. Serve sausages. Lead everybody in a sing-along. It doesn't matter if they get bored.

Cyneo: That's it! I demand you stop writing this guide immediately! You don't know the first thing about birthday parties! You don't know how to cook or bake, how to withdraw money from the bank, you don't know how to rent a bouncy jump, you don't know how to plant a tree, you don't know anything! And yet, I give you a new notebook and a pencil for your birthday, and then you write a ridiculous guide on how to throw a birthday party! I've had it. I'm never throwing a party for you again!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Cyneo's right and wrong here. He did give me a notebook and pencil for my birthday. But he is wrong on several things. And want to know the biggest thing he is wrong about? My guide isn't ridiculous. I'm sure you'll agree on that. Right?

Until next time,

Ahnnilator