| Upon entering the small, Mystery Island training room, you
notice a devilishly handsome red Eyrie busy teaching a small Kiko the many techniques
of Akido.
"Ah, I see you have found us!" said the Eyrie,
puffing his chest out importantly, pushing the Kiko out of sight with a large
red wing. "My name is Buckland. Jon Buckland. You have an interest in Akido?"
Upon entering the small, Mystery Island training
room, the only words that come to your mind are phony sleazeball.
"Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to
teach you the delicate art of Akido today," Jon continues, with a very phony
sigh.
"But Mr. Buckland!" says the small Kiko in a
monotone.
"I know, I know, Timmy. I'm very sorry, but
today is a new day. And now for something completely different," Jon says, clapping
his, umm, talons. Suddenly you find yourself in a dark jungle somewhere in the
Haunted Forest of Neopia. To your dismay, you find that Jon and Timmy are still
at your side.
"Today you will be learning the practical art
of staying alive under harsh conditions!" bellowed Jon, marching back and forth
like a Defender of Neopia. "The purpose of this lesson shall teach you how to
become the hunter, and avoid being hunted."
"Mr. Buckland! You're so brave," says Timmy
in a very stale voice. You notice a cue card disappear from sight behind a thick
tree.
"Yes, Timmy, I am very brave," said Jon, smiling
greasily and continuing his pacing. "I shall teach you three things today, how
to hunt, how to avoid being hunted, and how to become the hunter. Two words
can sum all of this up very nicely: constant VIGILANCE!" growled Jon.
You and Timmy back away a few yards, avoid the
spit of the large Eyrie.
Lesson One- How to Hunt
"As a Battledome Champion, I already know how
to hunt by natural instinct," Jon said.
Timmy spoke up. "But Mr. Buckland, you've haven't
won a battle yet!"
"Nonsense, Timmy. It's a Neopian conspiracy
why I haven't won a battle yet! You just think I haven't won a battle. You're
being brainwashed by the Aishas in the white suits again. Stop taking candy
from them. You're a disgrace to Kikos everywhere!" barked Jon.
Timmy shook his head in pity.
"You must have good abilities. A pet without
abilities is like a pet without a trusty spork. You got that?"
"Why a spork?" asked Timmy.
"Why a spork?" repeated Jon. "Why a spork?!?
Timmy, if you keep up with these meaningless questions, oh, you'll be..." Jon's
voice faded off into a demented mumble.
Timmy sighed.
"Back to the lesson! With hopefully no more
interruptions. You need abilities, agility, and a good aggressive weapon! I
bet you're wondering what my weapon of choice is, Timmy!" said Jon.
Before the small Kiko could say anything, Jon
had answered his own question. "I prefer the bow and the arrow. No, it's not
nearly as powerful as the gun, but it makes the game a little more interesting."
For appearance, Jon whipped out a long, silver
bow and fitted a golden arrow onto it. He released the arrow, and it disappeared
into the leaves of the trees. A hiss emitted from the general area of where
the arrow had hit, and a deep voice that shook the trees of the forest growled,
"Who DARES disturbs my slumber?"
Jon gulped. "And now, we will skip the rest
of the lesson and move hastily on to how to avoid being hunted," he whispered.
Lesson Two- How to Avoid Being Hunted
"There are two ways... to avoid... the hunter,"
Jon puffed, running as fast as he could from the giant Moehog with the deep
voice that rattled the trees that he had mistakenly shot an arrow at.
"What... are... those... Mr. Buckland?" huffed
Timmy, bouncing along behind the Eyrie.
"The... first one is... to show the enemy who
is boss," panted Jon. "That usually... involves fighting. But now... fighting...
would be a little... bit useless... due to the fact that I am out... of arrows..."
"So what do we do?" cried Timmy.
The giant Moehog roared loudly from behind.
"Well... there is always the second... option..."
"What's that?" yelped Timmy, narrowly escaping
a bite from the gigantic jaws of the Moehog.
"Run awaaay!" yelled Jon.
Lesson Three- How to Become the Hunter
"Now that we are in a safe area," said Jon,
inspecting the interior of the Faerieland Book Shop. "I believe we can continue
with Lesson Three: how to become the hunter," said Jon.
Timmy quietly nursed his wounds. Combined with
the natural Kiko bandages, Timmy now resembled a mummified olive. He muttered
under his breath, "Mr. Buckland, you're so brave. Hah!"
"What was that, Timmy?" asked Jon.
"Nothing, Mr. Buckland," said Timmy, quietly
singing to himself, "When danger reared its ugly head, Jon Buckland turned and
bravely fled..."
"To become the hunter requires a number of items.
If I go out hunting, I bring with me a bulk of supplies to survive in the wilderness."
With this, Jon pulled out a faded, brown, rucksack and emptied the contents
of the bag onto the ground of the Book Shop.
The Faerie Librarian shook her head in disapproval,
and accidentally marked her hand with the "overdue" stamp.
Timmy examined the contents. "Flashlight, twine,
pocket knife, spare... spare arrows?" cried Timmy. "I thought you said you were
out of arrows! You could have fought that giant Moehog!"
Jon grabbed the arrows, took them over his knee,
and snapped them. "Nonsense, Timmy. These arrows are broken! What would we do
with a bunch of broken arrows? Remember, it's all in the abilities! Be the spork!"
Timmy sighed, but decided not to argue with
the obviously insane Eyrie. "Matches... water... Musho Mushy peas?"
"Very handy when out in the wilderness. Not
just a good source of protein, they can also be a very dangerous weapon when
facing an enemy! Example," said Jon, taking the can of Musho Mushy peas away
from the Kiko.
Jon opened the can, dropped the slimy contents
onto the ground, and proceeded to bash a random book with the empty can, making
very unconvincing karate noises, such as, "Hii- ya!" and "Ka-powaii!"
Timmy sighed deeply. Turning to the Faerie Librarian,
he said, "He's not related to me."
She nodded, looking at the Eyrie pathetically.
Jon stopped bashing the (now torn and unreadable)
book. Looking at his bare wrist, he said, "Goodness Timmy! Look at the time!
This lesson is almost over! Now what have you learned?"
"Absolutely nothin- I mean," Timmy said quickly,
as Jon poked him in the ribcage. He scanned the Library for a cue card. "I learned
how to love nature, free my soul... wait, this isn't right!"
Jon poked Timmy in the rib cage again.
"I learned how to hunt, how to avoid being hunted,
and how to become the hunter using my abilities, agility, and aggressive weapons,"
Timmy read in a monotone.
"Very good, young Kiko!" Jon said, patting Timmy's
head. "But don't forget: constant VIGILANCE!"
Looking at your watch, you wonder how many minutes
of your life you have just wasted away.
"Until next time," Jon continued, shooting you
a sleazy smile, "Be the spork!"
You leave the small, Faerieland Book Store with
Timmy, and for some reason, a renowned love of nature and a free soul...
The End
Author's Note: Jon Buckland is not a Battledome Champion. Jon Buckland
does pretend to be a Battledome Champion, although he is far from it. Timmy
is not a Battledome Champion, either, although he does make a very mean tuna
salad sandwich. Thanks for the idea Emma.
| 
