Yer Guide to Sailing by noremac9 |  |
KRAWK ISLAND - YAAARR! I be yer instruct'r today, Cap'n Crawlkilinklidebak! Ye
might know me from that old reviews thing I do every year, that I once got published
in the Times. Ye probably don't, though, because that was just me rambilin' about
family and destruction, and no one seemd to care much. So what if the whole comp's
rigged, I bet ye thought it was interstin' whether ye read it or not! Er, uh...
HAR! HAR! But the point be that I be goin' to teach all ye green-gilled,
pansy-faced, chick-a-roo-cathcing, toe-stubbin', land-lubbin', blubbler-bouncin'
momma's pets to SAIL! Yea', I mean SAIL, like sailing ye olde some-odd seas! And
I warn you, I be the BEST sailor around! I also be the best con-pet, but shut
that hole in your empty head!
'Kay, first we be learnin' the basic knots. It's the MOST important thing
a weeny sailor like ye can learn, so listen closely. The first knot ye need
to learn is the "NeoNautical NeoKnot That's Not a Bad Knot At All, It's Not."
I named it me self! HAR! HAR! Now there's what I call clever, eh, kiddo?
So anyways, here's how you do her. Just follow this simple analogy. The Cybunny
comes up through the hole, goes around the Money Tree, grabs a bottle of blue
sand, runs over to his shop, puts it for sale at exactly 10 NPs, leaves the
shop, heads on the first boat to the haunted woods, looks in the pumpkin patch,
comes back with a pumpkin, and goes back down the hole! That's the simplest
knot with an easy-t'- remember guide, so ye had better get that one on the first
try. If you did it RIGHT, it'll look like ye just pulled ten dead Wadjets out
of the Rock Beast! If ye did it wrong, it'll look like a nice sailing knot.
Remember, if at first ye don't succeed, pay me to help you try again. Now for
the next knot, the "Sahkmetian Knot of Ancient Doom!" Aye, it be perfectly harmless,
me swears! I learned it from an old Scorchio Wizard who lived all alone in the
sand, goin' by the name of Valkast, the Doom-sayer. He taught me this and made
me swear on me dignity I'd never share it with ANYONE! HAR! HAR! Little
did he know 'dignity' has about as much meaning as 'dieting' to me!
So first ye wrap the cord ye're using 'round your thumb three times to make
a li'l' tower-lookin' thing! Sorta' like a pyramid. If ye don't have a thumb,
like me, wrap it around yer peg-leg, since it be the roundest object ye probably
posses. O' course, if ye don't have a peg-leg, just go pick up a Fire Sword
and chop yer leg off. Then down a small tree from yer neighbor's yard and carve
yerself a leg. Now that's MY kind o' citizen! Now that ye got a small pyramid
looking coil, put it in front of ye and shout, "Snowager, borovan, Kauvara!"
Guaranteed you'll have a beautifal knot, just magically in front of ye! If ya'
don't, then ye have a MIGHTEH' thick accent. But f it does work, you'll have
successfully sould your soul for a pathetic knot to a psychopathic wizard in
the Lost Desert by the name of Valkast! But don't say I didn't warn ye, whether
it's true or not.
So now ye know your basic knots, but what about yer boat? Well, I be gettin'
to that. Choosin' yer boat be mainly based on common sense, logical reasoning,
and a good eye. Well, that be what they tell me, anyway. I don't know anything
about any of that, so I made me own criteria for choosin' a mighty ship. It
works like this here following:
Look for the ship with the most BEAUTIFAL water Faerie carved onto the front.
I don't care if it's a leaky coconut raft, as long as it's got a pretty Faerie,
CHOOSE it. Next, look for somethin' that's already got a keg o' grog on it,
that way you don't have to carry your own on. No fun at all, I tell ye! Finally,
as an added bonus, look for a steering wheel and rudder. That be just the icing
on the Kaykee Wake Cake, so don't worry if it doesn't have it, as long as it
has the first two.
So let's see, now you can tie two ridiculous, er, basic knots, know how to
pick a mighty ship... AH! Now ye need a crew, since you must have piratin' in
mind! There ain't be nothing else to do on the big blue wet thing. So here's
me little section on rounding up a crew.
The first place to look for yer helpful little mateys is a tavern, or in other
words, the place known as the glorious Golden Dubloon. Here ye'll find drunkards,
fat and old pirates who can't sail no more, and tourists looking fore some dandy
eats. O' course, none of them there folks listed above be what ANY pirate would
want for a crew! However, they be exactly who ye be picking. Why? Because all
ya' need for them is a tankard o' grog, an authentic ship, and a pretty carved
Faerie. And if ye taken me advise, ye have all of it! So it be a free crew,
one-hundred-percenters! HAR! HAR! O' course, they might call mutiny at
the first sign o' grog runnin' out, they might say they need a bigger boat,
they might fall overboard and have no clue how to swim, but hey, better than
blowin' them shiny dubloons, right? I know I'd like to hang onto mine! Although,
I'm not the one going out in a leaky boat with a bunch of mutinous nutters,
either! HAR! Hack, cough...
And o' course, ye need to name this dung bathtub of a ship, and there's only
one way to do it! Use me advice, of course. Just look at other ships, and they
all have things like "S. S. Banjotar" and "S. S. Krawk Krapper." I believe,
if me memory serves me correctly, the S's are for "Sure to Sink" or "Seeya,
Stinkers!" I can't remember which, but I know it's one of those. I think. But
that's not me point! Me point is that ye need to give it them S's, and then
a random name based on a stupid petpet. Like, for instance, the "Pink Pet Rock"
or the "Robot Snorkel." Why, that's how the most feared ship o' all time got
its name-- the ol' "Black Pawkeet." Did I tell ya' I once worked on its deck?
Didn't think so, 'cause I ain't never touched 'er! HAR! HAR! But that's
not the point. The point be name your ship like I told ya' to, scallywag.
Finally, I'll just touch a bit on how to raid a ship. Yeppers, this be an
all-important thing to know, ye know, if ye want to be a piratin' pirate. So
here's the five golden (HAR! ME PUNS ARE A RIOT!) rules o' pirating.
5# - Look for a ship, and when you see one, don't sail the other way.
4# - When you get closer to the ship, don't shout out them telling your intentions.
3# - When they say they have nothing of value, and check the fine oak china
cabinet to reveal nothing inside, open the silver chest to prove nothing in
there, and even let you check their silk pockets, know you're being gypped.
2# - When you finally get ready to raid the other ship, make sure they don't
have any friends in really big cruisers.
1# - ALWAYS point the cannons toward THEIR ship. Never forget that.
So now ye know all 'bout tying knots, findin' ye boat, finding yer 'crew',
and even a bit about piratin'! So what more be there to learn 'bout sailing?
Ah, that be simple. You need to give me some dubloons o' yers, for all this
FINE, DANDY help I gave ye! And if I wasn't being kicked out o' me home as I
write this by the authorities, I would even give ya me address! No time, farewell
and good luck on the open seas!
-Cap'n Crawkilinkildebak
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