Neoschool Psychosis? by bannefin4 |  |
Author's Note: The following is a parody of sorts, and is not meant to be taken
seriously. No offense was meant towards anyone, and the information is obviously
not valid. Feel free to Neomail the author with questions, comments, and criticisms.
NEOSCHOOL - Yes, the leaves in the Haunted Woods are turning more rotten,
the temperature is plummeting (at Terror Mountain anyway), and the Lost Desert
is getting sandier. All of this can only mean one thing as we move into the
month of Collecting: Neoschools are (nearly) here.
What do Neoschools have to do with the weather? Absolutely nothing, as this
is the first time Neoschools have been opened. In the future, however, your
pets can look forward to these climatic cues and be happy in the knowledge that
another dreary summer is about to end. They will change from a tedious lifestyle
of sleeping in, going out with friends, and participating in aimless activities,
to comforting responsibility, rules, homework, and a set schedule. Despite the
natural fondness with which we owners view school, there are some shocking negative
effects that your pets could be experiencing at this very moment.
No doubt all of us here in Neopia cherish our time in school. The only depression
we may suffer from is at the thought that at the end of the day we must leave
our beloved shrine of learning and return to our dismal homes. Thankfully, we
have piles of homework to console us and remind us that school is only a few
hours away.
However, all is not as it should be. Disturbingly, recent research has shown
that all Neopets do not share this healthy love of school. This research was
in the form of a survey taken regarding pets' feelings about the upcoming school
year. Here is a copy of the survey:
How do you feel about being allowed to attend our wonderful Neoschool?
A) I'm so happy I can barely breathe!
B) I'm quite enthusiastic
C) I can't wait to go!
D) None of the above
Normally, choice D would not have been added at all, because the surveyor
assumed that everyone would be happy about the new school. It was a good thing
that it was added, because it has unearthed a startling problem in our midst.
A shocking 20% of pets surveyed picked choice D!
This statistic clearly shows that something is terribly wrong with some of
our Neopet companions. After bypassing some trifling agreements about the survey
being anonymous, our corporation, SHNN (Society for Happy Neopets in Neoschools),
managed to round up… I mean, contact all of the Neopets who answered choice
D and forced them… requested that they participate in a number of psychiatric
studies. There was some trouble with security, as some Neopets consistently
organized "prison breaks," but all of them were eventually tracked down… found,
and returned safely.
These studies have managed to show the general opinion of these abnormal Neopets
regarding Neoschools. These findings are not for the faint of heart. Reader
Discretion is advised. Nearly all of them expressed resentment at being "forced"
to attend school, as if they viewed it as a burden instead of the privilege
it is. They also thought that homework was "difficult" and "boring." They didn't
want homework to be in existence at all, which is of course a horrible thought.
They actually enjoyed lacking responsibilities, schedules, and other stabilizing
forces that we find necessary. Overall, they had an appallingly poor attitude
about Neoschools in general. It isn't necessary at this time to go into the
dreadful details involving their views on detention; suffice it to say that
they shouldn't be released to the public.
What could possibly have caused this twisted attitude that these pets have?
Scientists and Psychologists have worked around the clock, and come up with
a new disorder: Schooliosis confoundus. This disorder is defined by an
abnormal unwillingness to go to school. Symptoms include grumpiness when made
to wake up early every Monday to get to school on time, reluctance to do homework,
and any complaining regarding teachers or schedules. If you observe any of these
qualities in your pet, call our hotline immediately, 1-800-HELPMYPET. Trained
professionals will be ready to talk you through the necessary steps to fight
this behavioral problem, and clinics are available for severe cases. We have
found that at least nine weeks of intensive "programming" has been successful
in eliminating the problem. Your pet may appear dazed for a few days, but that
will go away in time. If you note the behaviors or attitudes reappearing, it
may be necessary to have your pet return to the clinic for a second session.
No more than two sessions can be used; after that point, pets tend to slur words
and seem to have difficulty thinking.
Another danger that waits with the advent of Neoschool is too much socialization.
Other studies conducted by the same surveyor (who is currently in an institution
at Terror Mountain after suffering a mental breakdown) show that a frightening
majority of pets view school as a time to socialize. This is obviously not the
case! School is for learning and hard work, not unhealthy things like gossip
and "horsing around." Conversations that do not deal with academia should not
be allowed at anytime in Neoschool. Discussions about "parties" and personal
relationships are examples of unacceptable subjects. Yet, it has been shown
that many pets look forward to Neoschool just so they can "hang out with friends"
and "meet new people." These are both dangerous distractions from what is really
important, which is education and schoolwork. Exhausted experts have also managed
to classify this disorder as Popularus socialitus, defining it as an
unhealthy obsession with socializing.
Unfortunately, these pets may not be as easy to spot. They may act like normal
Neopets in many ways; going to school with little fuss, doing their homework
on time, and acting appropriately busy. Once they reach school is often when
the real problem begins. Making plans, having improper conversations, and even
passing notes in class are a few examples of behaviors related to Popularus
socialitus. There are actions that you can take to find out if your pet
has this problem. Any Neomails or conversations dealing with "get-togethers",
"parties", or anything other than study groups, and extreme anticipation of
the weekend are two warning signs. If you observe these, call the above number
for help.
While the season changes and Neoschool opens, we can usher our eager pets
off to a happy day of enlightenment. We can be secure in the knowledge that
they are having fun every minute of the day, as we do when we're in school.
We can also rest easy, knowing that those few unhappy pets are being taken care
of, and will be able to fit back into school as well-adjusted members of the
community. Remember, if your pet exhibits any of the symptoms discussed above,
don't hesitate to call us! We can help!
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