The Official Rehabilitation Guide For Evil-Doers by bluescorchio104 |  |
Some say that being evil is like an obsession. Some say it’s like rainbow-coloured
pineapples flying counter-clockwise over an ocean of marmalade.
Of course, you probably have your own opinion on what being evil is like, right?
After all, you ARE evil, right? No? Then why in the name of asparagus are you
reading this? The title DOES say ‘The Official Rehabilitation Guide For Evil-Doers’,
remember. Notice the ‘Evil-Doer’ part of the title.
In any case, the reason why you’re reading this doesn’t matter. It could be
that you really ARE evil. It could be that you’re some crazy nut who’s doing
this for your own sick twisted reasons. Or maybe you’re really bored...
The point is, this guide is for the rehabilitation of evil-doers. Now, this
ain’t going to easy. It ain’t going to be pretty. And it sure isn’t going to
be fully sane. But we’ll manage.
Step No. 1: Get yourself a role model.
Before you make Dr. Sloth your role model, let me specify that you need a POSITIVE
role model. And let me mention that when I say ‘get yourself a role model’ I
don’t literally mean that, so don’t get any ideas about kidnapping your chosen
mentor.
Your role model should ideally work for the powers of good, and have no dark
shady past. If they have a hidden dark shady past, that’s perfectly okay.
Generally Uber-faeries make good role models, though let me give you a word
of warning- just because you have a role model doesn’t mean you have to dress
like them. So all of you male villains out there, it IS okay to have Fyora as
a role-model. No offence, Fyora, but you overdo the pink and purple frills just
a little. In fact, make that more than one words of warning -- don’t idolise
Dark Uber-faeries. Remember, you’re trying NOT to be evil.
Step No. 2: Get a hobby.
There’s nothing like collecting Piles Of Dung to take your mind off world-domination.
While you’re happily counting/examining/dusting whatever it is you’re collecting,
you’ll feel those nasty evil urges melt away. Make sure there’s adequate drainage
near your feet, otherwise the liquid urges will build up and possibly eventually
drown you. Or at least make your burnt raisin toast collection all soggy.
Step No. 3: Get a Petpet.
What with all the feeding, grooming, pooper-scoopering etc, you won’t have
time to scratch your nose, let alone run amok manically laughing and turning
Rods Of Dark Nova into Pile Of Sludge. I advise you not to get a Floud, as you
may not be able to resist the evil urge to feed it carrots. Because if you do,
something very bad will happen. Very bad. In fact, so bad, evil and despicable
I don’t even know what it is. It can’t get any worse than that, that’s for sure.
Step No. 4: Meditate
Meditation will take your mind off all of those evil schemes you’ve been busy
concocting. Just follow these next instructions, and feel the will to destroy
just fade away. Firstly, sit down and cross your legs. If you’re not humanoid,
make that your hind legs. If you’re a Kiko, well, uh, just twist your
tongue into a knot. Then, bend the rest of your body into a calm, relaxing position.
Or, if you can’t think of a calm, relaxing position, just bend yourself into
the shape of a pretzel or some other dough-based food product. Next, motivate
yourself to sit still- the best way to do this is to place an object on your
head- for example, a duck. Make that a Battle Duck, just so you’re not tempted
to move and potentially dislodge and shatter that precious item. Finally, close
your eyes, and clear your head of all disturbing, evil thoughts. Instead, think
of happy, joyful thoughts -- like correctly guessing the Weight Of The Marrow,
giving free candy to all of the babies in Neopia, and prancing around giant
mushrooms underneath a huge rainbow.
Now, if you’re thinking of smashing the giant marrow, stealing candy from babies,
and concentrating the rainbow into a giant Rainbow Frost Cannon to destroy Faerieland,
then meditation obviously isn’t for you.
Step No. 5: Abstain from evil
This step may be the most challenging so far. This step involves you actually
not committing any evil acts whatsoever for a week, at the very least. This
means no world domination, no stealing and pillaging, and no throwing pineapples
at innocent citizens. Can you handle that? Well, you may not be able to resist
not throwing pineapples at innocent citizens, but that’s understandable. Everyone
does it anyway- ‘everyone’ being me in particular. Which makes it perfectly
okay.
Step No. 6: The final step
This is the last step of this rehabilitation guide. The ultimate step. The
super-mega-ultra step that will not only confirm your successful rehabilitation,
but may also teach you several different types of tap-dancing.
The actual step is simple. Four simple, easy words. Perform a good deed. Now,
the actual saying of those words won’t get you anywhere. It’s the actual performing
of the good deed that is difficult, especially for an evil-doer like yourself.
Now, when I say ‘good deed’, I don’t mean some tiny, insignificant thing like
donating a Cup-Of-Slime to the Money Tree. Trust me, nobody needs it as much
as you may think. Then again, I don’t mean something over the top, like prancing
and frolicking through the streets of Neopia, throwing NP into the air and giving
Dark Battle Ducks to the needy. For one, I don’t hold with anyone prancing and
frolicking unless it is someone who greatly resembles a giant pineapple, and
secondly, I need those Dark Battle Ducks more than anyone, so if you’re going
to give them to anyone, it should be me.
If this guide has really taught you anything, you won’t need me to tell you
what a good deed is. You should already know. But for those evildoers who are
a little on the slow side, here are a few examples:
a) Help out the Soup Kitchen. I mean, the Soup Faerie has to get tired of stirring
that big ol’ pot of soup sometime, right? If cooking’s not your thing (concocting
evil potions doesn’t count as cooking, by the way), help the Faerie at the Healing
Springs hand out healing potions and snowballs. Just don’t give them to anyone
evil, because if you did, that would be aiding someone evil, which would make
you evil, which would make this article pointless. And the only way to know
if someone is genuinely not evil is to ask them if they’ve read this article.
So, anyone who hasn’t read this article is now evil, okay? Got that? Good.
b) Contribute a piece of beautiful artwork to Neopia that will brighten everyone’s
day. Say, a bronze statue of a radioactive tap-dancing pineapple with optional
drink holders.
c) Crack down on un-rehabilitated criminals. Defenders Of Neopia is great for
this kind of thing, and you even get a nice trophy.
Now, if you’ve followed all the steps like you should have, you should now
be a perfectly decent, justice-loving Neopian, with no urge to dominate the
world or enslave Neopet species. If so, my work here is complete. Good luck
to living a non-evil doer existence from now on.
Author’s note: Fools! Now that all the evildoers have become goody-goodies,
I won’t have to worry about potential rivals when I take over the world! Muahahahaha!
Well, unless the reformed evildoers decide to oppose me in the name of justice…Dang,
I knew I shouldn’t have suggested cracking down on UN-rehabilitated criminals.
Um, well, it seems my evil plans have gone awry, and henceforth I shall no longer
be evil. Darn, it was so much fun too. I’ll just leave the evil scheming to
Zarrelian, GoldenRhino and the radioactive tap-dancing pineapples with optional
drink holders.
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