Author's note: MonoKeras recently brought me some computer disks, and said
that the contents needed to be published for all the world to read. I asked
him where he had gotten them, and what was on them, but he refused to tell me
anything except that it was "time" now (whatever that meant.) I looked at the
contents of the disks, and after a few minutes of analysis discovered that they
were encoded in Pig Latin. This was something of a relief, since I had anticipated
something worse. (Kau Latin, in my opinion, is best served in pies). The going
was still rather slow, since I hadn't used my Pig Latin skills in a while. Even
worse, the iptscrae was not the type that I was used to dealing with, but I
persevered and what emerged was an amazing text.
At first, I wasn't sure what to make of it.
There was no author's name, and I had no idea of the providence of the disks.
However, the writing style and contents managed to trigger my memory. I looked
back through the public records, and found the Investigatory report by LittleLysshu.
I was right! What I had here were diskettes containing the other half of the
work which she had unearthed. Apparently, Dr. Sloth had been interrupted in
his writing, and she had gotten the disks that he had set aside before he'd
left to deal with other urgent business. But I digress from the text itself,
which follows...
***
AHHH, MUCH BETTER. Note to self: never conquer a planet with inadequate sanitation
facilities. The results will be uncomfortable and possibly disastrous for your
troops, if not for you. The only possible benefit to such an invasion is that
the promise of good facilities would likely cause the natives to greet you with
open arms and locked knees.
So where were we... oh yes, your basic
Space Station as homebase. Now that I've had time to sit and contemplate the
matter, I have decided that the technical details are best left alone at this
time. The reasons are that it would...
A) be beyond the scope of this book. This is intended as a basic primer and
general reference book, not a list of technical specifications. Those are best
left for my autobiography.
B) pose a security risk.
With that said, we then proceed to the
next topic, which is
INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS -or, How To Get People To Give You Even More
Than You Want
Every Evil Overlord and Overlady knows
that other people are made to be used. It is a basic instinct common in all
of us. It is, in fact, so basic that you may be wondering why I even bother
to bring it up. The reason is that this work is to serve you as a general reference
guide (see above) as well as being a primer for the true beginner (see above).
Sure, every Evil Overlord knows that
people are made to be used, but the intelligent Overlord will treat them as
the potentially valuable resources that they are. Dumping your pilot down the
garbage disposal because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed (while fulfilling)
can lead to inconveniences such as having to fly your own starship through the
minefields.
With that said, we first start with the
general categories that people fall into. In an ideal world, there would be
only two types of people:
A) Those who enthusiastically support you and do whatever you say.
B) Those who hate your guts but who can't do a thing about it.
Both of these types provide enjoyment.
As to which is best, I always maintain that is a matter of personal preference
and mood. It is admittedly hard to decide as to which is more enjoyable... having
people in group A grovel and prostrate themselves at your feet, or watching
the people in group B hurl pathetically useless epithets, denunciations- and
best of all- screams of anguish at you. (More on the screams of anguish later
on in the section on dungeons- I promise!)
Now that you know the desirable categories,
here are the two undesirable categories that people fall into:
C) Those who don't know or don't care about who and what you are.
D) Those who hate your guts and who can do something about it.
Group C is the "base group" that everyone
starts out at. Your mission as Evil OverLord is to convert C to either A or
B, depending on your mood of the day. As to exact techniques, these will vary
from person to person. People of the opposite sex, for instance, can often be
wooed into Group A, although degeneration to Group B status usually follows.
General techniques will rely on basic psychological needs which everyone needs
to have fulfilled, and which can be twisted to your purposes. Need a purpose
in your life? Join Dr. Sloth's Army! Need to just get away and relax? Join Dr.
Sloth's Army! Need to find meaning and true significance? Join Dr. Sloth's Army!
I could go on, but you probably get the idea. The real problems usually come
from Group D. This is the standard group that all "heroic" types generally fall
into. Heroes hate competition, which is almost always their fatal flaw. After
all, when they decide to go one on one with you, who loses? Precisely. If you
weren't better than them, you wouldn't be an Evil Overlord now would you?
D is also the group where you will find
long-lost heirs, long-lost nephews, long-lost lovers, and other such people
who somehow never stay lost for long enough to avoid causing you headaches.
There are two ways to avoid this problem. First, thoroughly grill all people
in group B so as to know about any possible connections beforehand. The details
will have to be left up to you, but since you have read this far into my little
work, I am sure that you have the imagination to fill them in. If you need any
further help, some general techniques will be mentioned later. The second way
to take care of these problems is to discreetly put out "heir wanted" posters.
No, I'm not talking about a bounty (whatever gave you that idea?) but rather
to pose as the mysterious helpful friend who clues the long-lost whatever into
the real truth of things. Once you get that inside track, transferring the person
from group D to group B is a cinch. Going for Group A would be a real bonus,
but consider that one icing on the asparagus pie.
Although most of your personnel problems
are best handled on an individual basis- if not enjoyed on one, there is at
least one problem that you will have to deal with en masse, and that is your
Public Image. Remember, Image is everything in the Evil Overlord game. An Evil
Overlord whose reputation can't strike fear into the hearts of perfect strangers
is a simple wannabe or has-been. Either way, the results of that condition vary
from ludicrous to painful. I recommend hiring a large staff of Public Relations
advisors. This provides you with useful cover for following your true instincts
in your own affairs while they fritter away on the outer fringes.
Note that if you do not have the stomach
for dealing with a Public Relations being, you are probably not cut out for
Evil Overlord status. Go home and watch the worlds go by without you, kiddo.
You will find that most PR flacks have a deep and abiding kinship and understanding
of your basic world view. The only problem is that their own egos can get in
the way of their judgement. At that point, you need to dispose of them before
the relationship is soured by such memories as shaking hands with them in front
of a camera. I usually recommend immediate transfer from Group A to Group B,
with a possible side order of Finger Crisps as well.
Transferring people out of Group C is
a relatively easy and enjoyable task, but as you have probably noticed, transferring
them from Group D is harder. Transfer methods generally fall into one of the
following categories:
Fear
Believe it or not, many people in Group
D can and will go from D to B or A through a simple application of fear. This
works because they are on the outer fringes of D. If your second cousin that
you've never heard of before in your life has disappeared, just how committed
are you to finding them, compared to say, keeping air flowing into your lungs?
The answer should be obvious. Only fools or the completely devoted will need
more strenuous methods.
Bribes
I can hear you objecting from here. "But
heroes always say they don't take bribes!" So what? What they say and what they
do are two different things. Your main problem is that you probably don't believe
them when they say no amount of money would buy them. I usually take that one
at face value after about the third time, and I switch to other currencies.
It's amazing how much better a bit of flesh will do rather than sterile points-
particularly when it is applied forcefully enough. At other times, you can offer
them the services of your PR team to help them achieve their true dream of fame.
It's best to be subtle in any of these offers. Remember that deep down inside
they want to say yes, but they don't want to admit that to themselves. The trick
is to get their conscious self distracted while you deal with their slimier
subconscious mind. A simple silvery pendulum might help you in this matter,
along with the companion volume in this series called "Hypnosis for Dummies".
Incapacitation
Physical or mental alterations which
disable any possible resistance are a nice way to affect immediate D-B transfers....
possibly D-A ones if you're dealing with the mental stuff. The trick here is
to determine the bodily or mental parts that are most likely to be used in any
resistance. For example, make sure to ask if they're right or left handed BEFORE
the operation.
If you're pressed for time, there is
another handy variation on this one that I call...
Total Disposal
This technique should be perfected fairly
early in life. One of the best examples was by an Evil Overlord who was an orphan
at age two after his parents foolishly (for them) gave him a yo-yo to play with.
They were obviously naive in forgetting what a yo-yo string can do to things
like carotoid arteries and windpipes. After you have your technique perfected,
you need to practice it on a continual basis. If no one from Group D is handy
when you have a training session scheduled, select someone from Groups B, A,
or C (in that order).
Although you should always keep your
hand in, you will find that you need to extend this technique to a much larger
range than you can accomplish individually. Your troops can handle the routine
jobs, but the special ones will require you to hire a hit man, or preferably,
a whole team of hit men. In fact, if there are a number of Disposals to be made,
I prefer to have them come through in single file and let the hit men do their
job. This little technique goes by the name of a "hit parade"- I'm sure you've
heard the term before.
Incarceration
This is another quick and dirty way to
accomplish dB transfers. Although it has more potential problems than the previous
two techniques, it does have the nice side benefit of swelling the ranks of
your B category while at the same time creating a possible profit and all sorts
of other neat side benefits that I will go into in the next chapter, which is
"Your Dungeon: So Much More Than A Holding Cell".
To be continued... | 
