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"Explain to me again why we have to have a 'special guest'
this week, Stevo," Keri grumbled, tapping her paw impatiently. The Krawk
Krew had come to Meridell for this week's episode, and Keri was less than thrilled
with the positively medieval conditions of the area. Everything was primitive,
from the food to the entertainment. Les was busy bemoaning the loss of his NeoNet
access, which meant absolutely no Florg.
"Her name is BeauRenard, and she's an Ixi princess,"
Stevo explained, "who can lead us to the location of this absolutely huge PetPet
that locals call the Turmaculus!"
"Bonjour!" called a cheerful green Ixi, as as
she bounded up to the Krawk Krew, "I am BeauRenard, and I welcome you to the
land of Meridell."
"Blimey... what a sheila..." Les whispered, hastily
running some Studio Stunt Hair Gel through his long blonde mane.
"Welcome to our humble camp, Princess BeauRenard,"
said Stevo with a bow. Keri just glared.
"Oh, please, Stevo... do not be silly. Call me
Beau. I have heard so much about your work in PetPet conservation! I myself
have rescued a Whoot from certain circumstances."
"Fascinating!" snapped Keri, "Just show us where
the slovenly heap of PetPet is, then bug off!"
"So, Beau, come here often?" Les said with a
charming smile.
"Oui, of course I do, silly Kyrii. I live here
in Meridell. Now follow me to the sleeping Turmaculus," Beau said, traipsing
her way down the road.
"Let's roll film while we go..." said Stevo, nodding
to the camera Chomby.
Charles the Chomby, who had given up his Monty
'costume' (the green paint and cardboard wings), nodded back and turned the
camera on. He focused in for a close-up of Les. After all, he was Les' number
one fan.
Les, however, didn't even notice the camera
upon him. He was busy following the beautiful Ixi down what seemed to be an
enchanted forest path. "Say, Beau... do you like Florg?"
"Florg? Is that the name of one of the Mortogs
at Kiss the Mortog, or did they get a new Turdle at the races?" she asked, perplexed.
"You have never heard of Florg?" Les gasped.
"This land is my own personal hell!"
Charles felt sorry for Les, and turned the camera
away from him so that he could grieve in private, focusing instead on Stevo
and Keri. Stevo was hauling the Shidi foam down the road with them, and Keri
was busy carrying a small cage, glaring at the cutout with ill-disguised hatred.
Noting the cameras were on him, Stevo smiled wide. "Welcome to another episode
of Krawk Files, mates! This week, we're here in Meridell with the gorgeous Princess
BeauRenard---ow!" Stevo winced slightly as Keri kicked him, and closed his mouth.
"What Stevo means is we're following some Ixi
chick to see a big fat slovenly PetPet that cannibalises his own kind on occasion,
in hopes of seeing it wake from its near 24 hour slumber before we all go nuts
from being in this incredibly boring and primitive land!" Keri snapped.
"Florggg..." Les moaned in the background.
"Here we are!" Beau called cheerfully, leading
the little procession down the hill and towards a very large, and very sound
asleep, mound of PetPet. Everyone stopped and stared at the Turmaculus, speechless.
"Blimey!" Stevo shouted. "That fellow's so huge,
he makes our cameraman look dainty!"
"Hey!" snuffled Charles. "I'm not fat, I'm a
Chomby!"
"A scary, obsessed Chomby..." Les muttered.
"Note the odd coloration of the Turmaculus,"
Keri said. "Purple, orange, and green said to come from his varied diet of various
coloured PetPets."
"And look at that huge mouth, and those ferocious
tusks!" Stevo cried. "Blimey, I'd hate to be the one getting close to that,
mates. That's why we're going to let our mate Les here head up to him with our
little buddy WooWee the Weewoo."
"What?" shouted Les. "Why is it always me?"
"You've got the least limited insurance policy,"
Keri said, matter-of-factly.
"Great," Les grumbled, taking the cage from
Keri. He reached inside and carefully took out an adorable little brown Weewoo.
The little brown-feathered PetPet blinked cutely up at Les, and sat on his hand.
"But before Les goes into certain danger, a
word from our sponsor!" Stevo grinned cheerfully, and hugged the foam cutout
of Shidi while Keri glared angrily. "If you need a story or article that's really
enlightening, call Shidi and she'll deliver, with a speed that is frightening!"
"Who writes these cheesy things, anyhow?" Keri
grumbled.
"Les, usually," Stevo said. "I think he's got
a bit of talent. Maybe he should submit to that Neopian Times someday."
"Maybe I will... if I live long enough," Les snapped,
heading for the Turmaculus with WooWee. He noticed that in front of the huge
PetPet there was a wooden box with some helpful objects within. "Blimey... looks
like some folks have left things to help wake up the sleeping beauty or in
this case, snoring ugly."
"He's so brave..." sighed Charles.
"Help me." Les didn't know what was worse,
staying back there near the camera Chomby, or facing the giant beast.
"In case you're wondering - Weewoo is one of
the pets from our PetPet Zoo," Keri said. "He was brought to us by a friend
after he'd been injured in a terrible storm. He's made a full recovery, however,
and is more than happy to be sent on this incredibly dangerous and potentially
deadly mission as repayment for all the tons of medical supplies and food we
had to use up to aid him on his road to recovery. With any luck, he'll be able
to get some sort of reward from the incredibly large PetPet in order to repay
us."
"Cheep!" said WooWee, fluttering his wings.
"Yeah, she is..." Les whispered, nodding in agreement.
"Les will now set WooWee down in front of the
Turmaculus, and let's see what happens next!" Stevo said with a cheerful grin.
For once, he wasn't the one in direct danger.
WooWee fluttered off of Les' hand, and did a
little tap-dance. The only response, however, was snoring. He then fluttered
into the box, and rung a little bell that was in there. Still, the Turmaculus
snored on. WooWee pecked some pots and pans that were in the box, and got not
even the slightest stir.
"Well, this is about as exciting as watching
paint peel," Keri said with a disgusted look towards Beau. "Your entire
kingdom just plain stinks! What the heck is wrong with you people that you think
Potato Counting, Mortog Kissing, and Marrow Weighing is decent entertainment?!
And now, you say, 'Let's try to wake up this huge lump of flesh that sleeps
almost all day?' Oh, and let's not even get started about the whole rolling
a cheese down a hill business - can you say unsanitary?"
BeauRenard sniffled loudly, and ran off down
the hill as fast as her little hooves could carry her, sobbing about how mean
scary Acaras from the mainland could be. The Turmaculus slept through the entire
business.
"Oh, way to improve inter-area relations..." Stevo
muttered.
"I'll wake that beast up!" Keri shouted, stomping
for the Turmaculus. "Out of the way, Les!"
"Gladly!" Les said, scooping up WooWee, and
getting back. Very, very far back.
"Blimey - the missus is going to try and wake
the Turmaculus personally," Stevo said. "I wonder if this is going to make him
a bit riled?"
Keri reached into the box and found a nice,
thick stick. "This ought to do the trick," she said, and rapped the big beast
firmly on the snout. The Turmaculus groaned in his sleep, making a light snort.
"Now we're getting somewhere!"
Charles got up closer so he could get a good
shot of Keri, absently leaning against the large fleshy side of the PetPet mound.
After all, he didn't seem to be waking up for anything, and he made a good support
for a nice steady aim.
Keri gave him a good swift kick, and dumped
Two Bottles of Water from the box right over his head. But still, the Turmaculus
slept on. "ARRRRRRGGHHH!!!!" she screamed in frustration, eyes glowing red.
"Wake up, you sack of flabby flatulent flubber!" Still, the creature slept on.
While Keri was ranting and raving, however,
Les and Stevo were cringing and hiding. After ten minutes of yelling, beating,
clanging, and other abuse, Keri finally gave up, staring in shocked disbelief.
The Turmaculus gave one long snore, then went quiet. An ominous silence pervaded
the area, which was broken a moment later by a tiny sneeze from WooWee. Suddenly,
the Turmaculus rose up, roaring loudly, spewing its rancid breath all over Keri's
fur. "Eeek!" she screamed, backing up quickly. Charles seemed frozen in fear,
with a flat expression on his face. Five seconds later, he was just plain flat,
as the great beast rolled over, right on top of him. It immediately began to
snore again.
"Well, I guess that's a wrap," Stevo said, picking
up the Shidi cutout. "Let's go, mates."
"My fur... my fur..." Keri moaned, picking up the
camera from the ground, and dropping WooWee back into his cage.
"Blimey!" said Les. "I sure am glad that I got
out of the way of that..."
The threesome headed back up the hill, into
the beautiful sunset. But somewhere, deep beneath the slumbering mass of flesh,
a lone voice, muffled by blubber, cried out, "Les? Les? Don't leave meeeee...
I'm your number one fan!"
The End
Author's Note: The parody in this story is intentional, and the characters
used in it reside on the account Krawk_Files.
As always, thank you for reading, and feel free to Neomail
me if you've got a question, comment, or are just feeling a bit riled! | 
