Welcome to Monty Peophin's Fleyen Cirrus, where with the help of a Cirrus
cameraman and a group of talented Neopian actors, we hope to bring classic comedy
to you, the common reader!
It was a bright, sunny day at the Little Nippers Shop,
and Kreftilus the Kyrii was happy. Practically all of his petpets had sold to
the gullible tourists of Neopia. It was such a perfect morning that he was loathe
to recognize the irate customer which stepped in, carrying a cage under one
arm.
"Excuse me, sir?" the customer called, slamming
the cage down heavily on top of the counter. "I wish to register a complaint."
Kreftilus glanced quickly at the cage, noted
the Pawkeet inside lying at the bottom, and hastily reached under the counter
for his 'Out to Lunch' sign. "Sorry, squire, we're closed for our luncheon at
the Shopkeepers' Bureau. Complaints must be submitted via email form..."
"Never mind about that!" the customer demanded.
Kreftilus gave the customer a closer look, noted the sludgy coveralls he was
wearing, and the large wrench clutched in his other hand, and decided he'd best
play along for the moment. The customer noted the glance, and promptly waved
the wrench directly at Kreftilus's head. "I wish to register a complaint about
this Pawkeet, which I purchased for 55 Dubloons naught half an hour ago from
this very location!"
Kreftilus gave the Pawkeet a second glance, and
smiled his most Cheat-winning smile. "Ah, the lovely Krawk Island Green? What
seems to be wrong with the little nipper?"
The Wocky grumbled, "I'll tell you what's wrong
with it. It's dead."
Kreftilus pretended to look closer, while inwardly
cursing his fortune, and smiled even wider. "Oh, no, sir, he's resting."
The Wocky glared meaningfully at Kreftilus, then
back down at the Pawkeet. "Now, look. I've seen enough dead things to know what
a dead Petpet looks like - and I'm looking at one right now."
"No, no, sir - it's just resting. What a wonderful
bird, eh - such marvelous talons for Deckball," Kreftilus prattled.
"The talons don't matter. It's dead as a Stone
Paint Brush," the Wocky replied, not batting an eye. "See, look?" He took a
deep breath, and started banging loudly on the countertop with the wrench, while
screaming at the top of his lungs, "Hello, Percy Pawkeet! I've got a lovely
Tin of Sardines for you if--"
Kreftilus eyed the dents the wrench was making
in the counter, and quickly slapped the side of the cage. The motionless Pawkeet
at the bottom rolled slightly to one side. "See, there, he moved!"
"He didn't move - that was you banging on the
cage!" the Wocky said with a wave of his wrench.
The wrench was getting closer to Kreftilus's
head than Kreftilus found particularly comfortable, and he backed up, holding
his paws up innocently and protesting. "I never would do such a thing!"
The Wocky made a brief, annoyed grunt, and smacked
the cage directly with his wrench, denting a few of the bars. "Hello, Percy!
This is your Tea Alarm! Wakey-wakey!" He gave the cage a few more solid blows,
then opened it, and proceeded to extract the Pawkeet. Kreftilus looked on in
quiet innocence, continuing to smile as if he were being asked the value of
a Weewoo. As he watched, the customer proceeded to hold the Pawkeet by the legs,
and began to rap it sharply against the counter. After a few sharp blows, the
Wocky finally tossed the Pawkeet upwards, and he and Kreftilus both watched
as it fell lifelessly to land on the floor. "Now that's what I call a dead Pawkeet."
Kreftilus mustered the craft of his year of business,
and stated calmly, "No... no, he's stunned."
"Stunned?!" The Wocky's eyes widened in disbelief
at the audacity.
"Yes, yes - you stunned him just as he was waking
up! Krawk Island Greens stun easily, everybody here knows that." Kreftilus nodded
firmly to make his point.
The Wocky looked unimpressed. "Now, look here.
The bird is dead. I purchased this Pawkeet not half an hour ago at this very
location, and you assured me that its total lack of movement was because it
was totally exhausted after a particularly long squawk."
"Well... he's probably pining for his friends,
the Mirgles," Kreftilus replied without missing a beat.
"Pining for the Mirgles?!" the Wocky nearly screamed,
staring in disbelief. "Pining for the Mirgles! That's absolutely ridiculous!
Now look here, then - how come when I got it back to my home, he immediately
fell over on his back?"
"The Krawk Island Green prefers lying
down on its back, sir! Wonderful bird, you know - marvelous talons!" Kreftilus
beamed, eyeing the clock briefly. If he could just keep this up a bit longer,
it'd be off to the Golden Dubloon!
The Wocky folded his arms, looking contemptuous
and apparently not buying any of it. "What?! I took a good look at that bird
when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason it had managed to
sit upright in the first place was that it had been wired there."
Kreftilus winced inwardly, but smiled all the
same. After a somewhat uncomfortable pause, he finally spoke up. "Well, of
course it was wired there! If I hadn't wired it to the perch, it would've
hopped on over to the bars, bent it apart with its talons, and then 'whoosh!',
out it'd go!"
"Whoosh?! This Pawkeet wouldn't 'whoosh' if you
prodded it with a Grand Lightning Beam! He's definitely extinct!" The Wocky's
tone grew more irate as his patience began to wear dangerously thin.
Kreftilus wished today hadn't been his shift,
and politely replied, "No, sir... I believe he's just very sad."
"He's not sad, he's slowly decomposing! This
Pawkeet is no longer a Petpet! He has ceased to breathe! He's no longer counted
as an item! He's stiff as a board! He should be in a burial plot, not a housing
tract! He's fertilizer, he's compost, he's a Turmaculus reject! This - is an
ex-Pawkeet!" the Wocky snapped, angrily clapping the head of the wrench into
his other hand.
Kreftilus wasn't particularly sure how tough
the Wocky was, but he really wasn't in the mood to test the matter in a fight
- especially since his Kyrii Shocker was in the shop. "Oh. Well, ah..." He paused
a moment, and after careful thought, and watching the Wocky's wrench action,
finally stated, "Well, then. I'd better replace it." He quickly peered behind
the counter at the few remaining pets, then straightened up again. "Ah... well,
I've just had a look around the back, and - we're fresh out of Pawkeets, I'm
afraid." The Wocky just continued to glare at Kreftilus. He took a breath, and
continued, "I've got a Snarhook."
The Wocky seemed to consider this, and smiled
in a disturbingly sweet manner. "Can it talk?"
"Well, not quite..." Kreftilus hedged, beginning
to reach under the counter.
"Then it's not a replacement, now is it?!" the
Wocky shouted, bringing his wrench down hard enough to crumple the ex-Pawkeet
cage.
Kreftilus gulped, and continued, "Well, I tell
you what I'll do. I've got a Deaver, see... I'll just hack off the front legs,
wire some wings on, and there's a new Pawkeet, sweet as you please."
The Wocky eyed Kreftilus a moment, and set the
wrench down. "Would you like to come to my place for tea?"
Kreftilus blinked, and smiled. "I thought you'd
never ask."
----- You have been reading a Monty Peophin Production -----
Author's Note: Monty Peophin Productions are parodic works in the same vein
as Monty Peophin and the Holy Censer, and are not to be misconstrued with entirely
original works, nor considered plagiaristic. For more ventures into the realm
of parodic Neopian humor, contact WizardofAus via Neomail.
If you want to complain, get a dead Pawkeet first. For those wishing to say
that this is in strong resemblance to popular British comedy, yes, you're right. | 
