An Exclusive Interview With Valtonous Rea

NTR: I’ll just ask you a few questions on the match and about the squad.

VR: Right.

NTR: And perhaps a few personal questions, if that’s okay.

VR: Um, all right.

NTR: (coughs) Right, well, I’m going to start the interview now.

VR: Yes, good to hear that.

(very long pause)

NTR: What... is your favourite colour?

(pause)

VR: Blue.

NTR: You know Kakoni Worrill?

VR: I do know him, yes.

NTR: What is his favourite colour?

VR: Um, I think perhaps purple.

NTR: And his favourite pudding?

VR: I don’t know. Look, can we get on with the--?

NTR: Oh yes. (shuffling paper) You know the first match in the Altador Cup?

VR: Yeess... ?

NTR: Who did you play against?

VR: Mystery Island.

NTR: And you lost against them?!

VR: Well, yes. It was a tough match.

NTR: How much did you lose by?

VR: (mumbles something incoherent)

NTR: Sorry? Couldn’t catch that.

VR: Four hundred ninety-six thousand and three hundred and two points.

NTR: Wow. That’s—that’s quite a lot, isn’t it?

VR: Yes.

(long pause)

NTR: You know Delma Harrence?

VR: I do know her, yes.

NTR: How do you think she keeps her hair so silky and smooth? Do you reckon she uses a special shampoo?

VR: I’ve... never really considered this matter in depth.

NTR: (disappointed) Oh.

(Shuffling paper)

NTR: So how does it work?

VR: What?

NTR: Yooyuball, how do you play it? I mean, just for the readers who aren’t familiar with it... I’m perfectly well-informed, of course.

VR: Well, the Yooyus are the most essential aspect of the game, and there are four different varieties; Fire, Snow, Mutant and Faerie. How the game is played differs on the type of Yooyu itself. For example, if you were to play with a Fire Yooyu, the team would use an entirely different strategy than a Snow Yooyu. And if—

NTR: You mean the Petpet, the Yooyu?

VR: Yes.

NTR: But isn’t that extortion? Kicking around a Petpet?? (outraged) What does the Petpet Protection League have to say about this??

VR: Well, you see, the Yooyu species have the ability of curling into the shape of a ball and hardening itself. I assure you that they’re not harmed in any way in this sport.

NTR: (unconvinced) Right. If I could just go back to Kakoni Worrill--?

VR: Yes?

NTR: Do you think there is any rivalry between him and Babolino?

VR: Not that I know of, no.

NTR: (disappointed) So they don’t argue, over—over who’s the better Yooyuball player or who’s the better looking one?

VR: No.

NTR: So your team uniforms—are they all the same? I mean, do they—do they make them a bit different for each player or are they all just pink and purple?

VR: They’re all pink and purple. But they’re tailored to fit us and they have our names emblazoned on the back. And a cloud shoulder pad.

NTR: Wow. Did Queen Fyora design them?

VR: No, well, she didn’t design them herself... the other Faeries got together and started planning out bits and pieces and she supervised them. I think she also chose the colours.

NTR: I heard that Jhudora wasn’t invited to the meeting and put a curse on the team... is that true?

VR: I’m not quite sure you heard that from a reliable source.

NTR: Is that a ‘no’ then?

VR: Yes. (pause) Yes, that’s a ‘no.’

(long silence)

NTR: Okay. Is it true that your team lost because of a... disagreement you had with Babolino before the match began? About his bandage.

VR: No, I don’t believe we argued about his... bandage. There was no argument.

NTR: So how did he injure himself?

VR: Who?

NTR: Babolino.

VR: He didn’t.

NTR: So why does he wear a bandage on his forehead?

VR: It’s... his trademark, I suppose. I think it began when he was attempting to rescue a Meowclops from a tree and he got a scar from the scratches. That was about a year ago, though.

NTR: (awe-stricken) Does he change it?

VR: What, his bandage?

NTR: Yes.

VR: Yes, I’m sure he does. Can we move on...?

NTR: Oh... right.

(Shuffling paper)

NTR: What is your favourite colour?

VR: We’ve had that one.

NTR: Oh. (Shuffling paper) What is your favourite pudding?

VR: Erm... Chokato.

NTR: (fascinated) Really?? But don’t you think it has a rather odd taste?

VR: No. I like it.

NTR: I think Black Cherry is much better tasting. Don’t you think so?

VR: No.

NTR: Do you think...?

VR: Yes?

NTR: Do you think Babolino’s favourite pudding would be Kacheek Vanilla Pudding?

VR: (sighing) That is a possibility, yes. Given that he is a Kacheek. Look, could we just move on from puddings and such?

NTR: Yes, all right. Do you think Yooyuball is the way forward?

VR: (encouragingly) The way forward to...? To what?

NTR: (very long thoughtful pause) To the future.

VR: I’m sorry, I don’t understand your question.

NTR: Do you think Yooyuball is the sport of the future?

VR: Well, yes... but it is also the sport of the present.

NTR: (breathlessly) Do you think so? Why though, why??

VR: (slightly taken aback) Well... with the popularity of the Altador Cup and such... it is becoming a widely-known sport and more and more individuals are finding it to be very riveting, both to play and to watch.

NTR: But what about other established games such as Gormball? Don’t you think Yooyuball suffers from the competition?

VR: No, I think they’re two entirely different sports and the general public can appreciate both.

NTR: And what do you think are the main differences between Gormball and Yooyuball?

VR: Well, I think the most obvious difference is that Gormball is an individual sport and Yooyuball is a team sport.

NTR: Yes.

VR: Gormball involves the use of a... potentially exploding, water-filled ball. Yooyuball involves a very different sort of ball, which I explained previously.

NTR: Yes.

VR: Gormball requires more personal luck and experience, while Yooyuball requires a great deal of team cooperation and skill.

NTR: Do you mean to say that Gormball does not require skill?

VR: No, no, and I don’t mean that Yooyuball does not require experience, either. I was just... simplifying.

NTR: Right. Well, with your team’s loss in the Altador Cup, what are your plans in the near future?

VR: Well... I suppose I’ll probably return to Faerieland with my team and um, finish my novel.

NTR: Oh! What is it called? Is it a Yooyuball book?

VR: No, it’s just something I wrote in my spare time. It’s called The Life of Algy.

NTR: Is it a nature book?

VR: No, no, no, no. It’s not algae, as in the plant in Maraqua... it’s the name of a character. A-L-G-Y. He, uh, he’s supposed to be a young Uni who finds an exciting discovery on the magical uses of grass.

NTR: (very unconvincingly) It sounds very interesting.

VR: I very much hope it to be. It will be available at the Faerieland book shop later this year.

NTR: (even more unconvincingly) I’m sure we’ll all be rushing out to purchase it. Right, well, if I could just check a small fact about Kakoni Worrill?

VR: (odd, strangled sound) Yes.

NTR: What is his favourite pudding?

VR: We’ve had that one.

NTR: All right then, what about Babolino?

VR: We’ve had that one as well.

NTR: Right, well ok. I suppose we’re done then.

(slight crashing noise)

VR: Are you all right?