The Slightly Peculiar Adventures of Toov

     "Arrrrright, wuz goin' on here?" said Police Chief Ralp. "Is we havin' a party? S'at why all dees laaits is on?"

     "Ditch the drawl already, Ralp! Nobody can understand what you're saying!" called out a voice.

     "But in those stories it sounded so cool!" Ralp whined.

     "Boohoo. Gather up any brains that might be in your thick head and figure out who stole my house!" Someone turned on a torch, and the unseen insulter proved to be none other than Icken Shmocker, a rich and spoiled Usul who was known for accusing various personages of confiscating one of her many belongings. (Also, she's Toov's cousin. He doesn't like too talk about it much. You'll see why in a minute if you haven't already. Aim that snowball at someone else, buddy!) It always turned out the airheaded bozo had just misplaced it, but that never stopped her from pointing that annoying little finger of blame. This time, though, it seemed like she was right. After all, who could be so stupid as to lose a HOUSE? Well, she might be, but I doubt it. Anywho, back to our story.

     "Uh, I dunno. Maybe that what's-his-face, that tourist who's always hangin' around the Tombola with a baggie like he thinks he's gonna snitch somethin'. What was his name again?"

     "Leem!" called out Tep, a Marketplace worker from the Ice Caves.

     "Right! Look 'round Leem's, Miss Shmocker, and I bet you'll find your house," said Ralp.

     "OK, and just how much would you be willing to bet on that, doofus?" snarled Icken.

     "Um, a lot just a minute ago, but something in your tone makes me think that might have changed," Ralp said hesitantly.

     "It's a miracle! We've found brain!" sneered Icken. "Of course that was the first place I looked, you wool-headed ninny. And I didn't find one rafter! Not one! I've searched this entire filthy little town up and down five times and I haven't found one speck of marble floor! Not a thread of satin curtain! Not an--!"

     "Shut up, would you? We know you're rich; quit rubbing it in!" snapped Musul, the tour-boat dudette. "Yeah, zip it, snooty!" chorused more of the still-growing crowd.

     "What's going on here?" I know you've been waiting with bated breath for our hero to appear, now here he is, fresh from the shower! Hey, you, put down that Web Claw! I'm just providing a little good-natured banter!

     "My house is gone!" Icken snapped.

     "Oh."

     "Oh?! OH?!!!! Is that all you have to say, you dunce bucket?! You complete nincompoop!!!!" I don't have to mention Icken has a bad temper, do I?

     "OK, how about, who did you last see at the scene of the crime?"

     "ME!!"

     "OK, OK! How long has the house been alone?" said Toov hurriedly.

     "Couple hours or so," Icken replied.

     "Perhaps you should all step back so I can look for clu--"

     "Um, yeah, I think you should step back, but just so I can put this silly mansion down," said a voice in the sky.

     "What the...?! It's my house!! YOU STOLE MY HOUSE, YOU FILTHY LITTLE FAERIE!" screamed Icken.

     "No, my annoying sister Gabriellis did. Now could you please MOVE?" sighed the earth faerie.

     "Well, nice work, Toov. You've managed yet again to pop up just when the "mystery" gets solved. Am I the only one with brains in this place?" Icken jeered.

     "You'd better watch it..."

     "Uh, hey, I gotta keep it to 1.200 words, 'member?" I said.

     "Well sor-ree, Miss Author," snapped Toov.

     "Hey, if it weren't for me you wouldn't even exis--!"

     "This is the first time I've been glad I sharpened my claws!" said Toov as he launched himself at me. I've never actually gotten to beat up that kid, so: various fighting noises.

     The next day:

     "I want to know who that thieving little faerie was, I tell you!" Icken's sharp voice rang in the street early Sunday morning. It rang so loudly that Toov was woken up, at least nine hours earlier than he wanted to wake up. He figured Icken would still be at it long after then, so he showered and had breakfast. A little while later, he made his bed. Then, he read a bit. He decided that after so much exertion it was high time for a nap. When he woke up, Icken was still outside complaining, but she seemed to be running out of gas and patience, so he got up and wandered outside.

     "...that disgusting excuse for a faerie stole my house and I want her in jail!" Icken screamed.

     "You seem quite beside yourself, Icken. Is something wrong?" said Toov as he calmly strolled over.

     "WRONG?!!! YES, SOMETHING'S WRONG, YOU NICKEL-PLATED TWIT!!! THAT EARTH BRAT STOLE MY HOUSE AND I WANT HER TO FACE JUSTICE FOR IT!" Icken really was beside herself. It was really quite amusing to watch, just as long as you didn't get too close. Wouldn't want to get hit by spittle, or anything else, for that matter. She looked like she was about to throw either a rock at the police chief or the police chief at a rock.

     "Calm down, Icken!" commanded a voice. "Moiraine did nothing wrong. She was simply returning the house to where it came from. Gabriellis is to blame for removing the house from its original location."

     "THEN I WANT GABRIELLIS! I DON'T CARE WHO IT WAS! I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT PEOPLE JUST WALTZING IN AND STEALING MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone, including the new faerie, was very far away and still backing away from Icken and any large rocks.

     "All right, Icken?" said the faerie timidly.

     "WHAT?!!"

     "If you'd like me to punish Gabriellis, I can do that. Is that what you want?"

     "NO!!!"

     "Then what DO you want?" said the faerie, losing confidence by the minute.

     "I WANT TO DO IT MYSELF!!! I WANT TO POUND THAT PIECE OF AISHA DUNG INTO THE GROUND!!! NOBODY STEALS MY STUFF! NOBODY!!!!!!! NOT EVEN THAT SHIFTY LEEM GUY WHO HANGS AROUND THE TIKI TACK TOMBOLA!!! NOBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

     At this point, anyone with a shield had it out and was attempting to share it with the person beside them. Anyone who wasn't negotiating with Icken (and some who were, namely the police chief) had long ago gone inside and hid under the covers.

     "That's it!" exclaimed Gabriellis. "How about I just give you money? You seems to like that." (Gabriellis had been hiding under the covers, too)

     "How much?" said Icken suspiciously, calming down a little at the prospect of even MORE neopoints to spend.

     "How about 5000 NP?"

     "SOLD!" shouted Icken almost before the words were completely out of Gabriellis' mouth.

     "Phew! Now I can go back to bed! And I'll expect two sand apples, a vanilla wocky cookie and a minty chomby lolly on my doorstep before 2:00, Icken," said Toov.

     "FOR WHAT?!!" yelled Icken, remembering her temper.

     "For helping negotiate and also for adjusting your house slightly for better feng shui." Toov walked back inside before Icken could do so much as make a slightly strangled sound at having to part with her money as soon as she made it.

     "I always like a job well done," yawned Toov as he drifted off to sleep. "I just hope my next case doesn't involve a faerie."

The End