Avoiding Getting Eaten and Other Neopian Safety Tips

But alas, Life is not always good. Far too often do Neopians get attacked by Kougras on the shores of Mystery Island, get hit by the Snowager’s breath in Happy Valley, get stepped on by Monoceraptor in Tyrannia, burn their tongues with a hot cup of Borovan, or cut their fingers on the sharp edges of that copy of the Times. Has this ever happened to you? No one around to kiss your booboos? Read on, my friend, for in this article, you will learn to avoid those nasty booboos. Sound good? I know. See, I’ve experienced all this more than once, and one day, I decided enough is enough. So I got a job as a safety inspector at a plushie factory. They fired me when I tried to put bubble wrap on the toys. They said I was too safe. You can NEVER be too safe. EVER.

Maraqua

Lots of people head under the sea to get their kicks. They’ll play a game of Whirlpool, try and tell King Kelpbeard a bad joke, and enjoy a lunch at Kelp. Unfortunately, studies show that 37.96428% of visitors to Maraqua CAN. NOT. SWIM.

Here are some safety tips for your landlubbers:

1: AVOID MARAQUA ALTOGETHER: Seriously, folks. Common sense. If you don’t want to drown, don’t spend all day in a land completely submerged in water. If you insist on getting there, read on.

2: A Submarine or Diving Gear: It’ll be a pain to have lunch at Kelp when all the food is separated from your foodhole by a glass screen or something. Ask the staff if they can package your goodies so you can enjoy it on land.

3: GO AWAY!: I’m sure curiosity has gotten the better of you on numerous occasions, and just for the heck of it, you’ve visited that Slug Monster. Grumpy, isn’t he? He’s probably told you to go away, and you should do just that. Seriously. For one, if you ignored the above advice, you probably decided to just hold your breath down there. Resurface when you’re out of breath, which should be soon. In that case, get out. The sooner, the better. Seriously, you could be eaten by the aforementioned Slug Monster, Chiazilla, a hungry Maraquan Grarrl, and Goregas all at once. I don’t know about you, but that DEFINENTLY does not sound like fun to me.

4: Use the buddy system!: Probably the best advice I have to offer you. You’re sure to have more fun with a buddy, preferably a Koi or some other decent swimmer who can fetch help, find you if you get lost, try and bring you to the surface, and who knows the area. Totally. Having a Maraquan for a friend definitely has its upsides. Or you turn one of your current buddies into a Flotsam or something. The potion comes with free knowledge or underwater realms.

Kreludor

One of my favorite worlds, because it’s IN SPACE! Alas, people test the limits of Kreludor’s gravity far too often, and end up bouncing out of the atmosphere of the lunar world. So don’t do it. Also, it’s typically a good idea to avoid that giant robot guarding the Kreludan mines. I know, he’s awesome and all, but... In fact, just stay within the Grundo Colony area. The rest of the moon is just rocks. Not worth it.

Of course, that doesn’t apply to you if you actually work at them mines. Please wear helmets, if so. At make sure to read the manuals on your laser blasters. Don’t have rockball fights, or laser fights. It may be tempting, but don’t do it. That Hospital Gelert will tell you stay in bed all day. All month, even. Sound like fun? Didn’t think so.

Oh, and I know that after a hard day’s work, you’ll want to quench your thirst with Neocola, but I doubt that’s a good idea. For one, if you leave the mines to head to the Neocola machine, the guard probably won’t let you back in. And Neocola tastes awful, and is made from Gelerts. Gelert hater. So, to sum up...

1: Unless you’re a local, stay within designated areas: Self-explanatory. By local, I’m pretty sure I mean “part of the Orange or Purple Grundo Colony”.

2: NO NEOCOLA!: You can ignore this rule if you want, but good luck getting any points from the tooth faerie with yellowy, cavity-filled chompers.

3: No horsing around on the Rocket ships: To even get to Kreludor or the Space Station, you’ll need a space vehicle, a Rocket. Most people don’t have their own rockets, so you’ll need to use a public spacecraft. Other people are on that ship, too. Please don’t irritate them, or the pilot. Unsavory passengers tend to be expelled from the ship when they misbehave, so don’t, seriously.

4: Your OWN Rocket: Just because you have your own rocket doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want. There are speed limits and special precautions you need to take. Make sure you have extra fuel, and any lasers or missiles are cool little robots are regulation and have been inspected by a licensed inspector that year.

Faerieland

A world situated entirely upon the clouds, and, like Maraqua or Kreludor, you may need to use some sort of public craft to get there. Neopia Central’s Uniport tends to have lots of Unis ready to fly you up to Faerieland for a nominal fee. They can be prissy, so don’t annoy them or get chocolate in their manes. They’ll buck and probably toss you off their backs into the ocean, so I suggest you reread that part about Maraqua. Totally. Think you’ll get there okay? Good.

1: Stay away from the cloud edges!: I cannot stress this enough, people. Stay away from the edges of clouds! Psellia can’t always be there to save you if you happen to bounce into the sea.

2: Leave Jhudora alone.: Sure, she’s a dark faerie who can probably grant you powers beyond your wildest dreams, but she’s only giving you fifteen minutes to get that power. If you’re even half a second late, well... err... let’s just say it’s good thing the Healing Springs are nearby.

3: Spin spin spin the Wheel of Excitement?: If you’re the gambling type, sure, go on ahead. But just to be on the safe side, I myself would wear fireproof clothes and keep all my junk in my Safety Deposit Box. You’ll never know when the Pant Devil or Lave Ghoul will appear, y’know.

4: Faerie Queen Fyora: She’s the queen of Faerieland, and pretty much the queen of the world. I myself wouldn’t try and take a photo with her or pester her about getting a quest or anything like that, since she can easily smite you with her sceptre of power, or some other dangerous weapon in her tower. Plus, she’s sort of busy ruling Faerieland from her castle, so... yeah. But if you do somehow get in Faerie Castle, you might find a portal. Go on, step through. It’s not dangerous, I promise.

Altador

If you stepped through that portal, you’ll end up in the wonderful world of Altador! I myself LOVE this world because of all it has to offer. I won’t go through it all, but I will go over staying safe in this cursed land. (Sound like I’m contradicting myself? Not really.)

1: The Hall of Heroes: Yep. Admire those giant stone works of art. Eleven of them, any way. The twelfth is that of an evil Dark Faerie who cursed the entire land millennia ago. But, no wait! Don’t deface her statue out of anger! For one, that statue is probably cursed. If you so much as spit on it, be warned that you’ll most likely be stalked by mewing kadoaties for the next thousand years. And secondly, the Janitor Yurble WILL beat you with that mop. He’s that angry.

2: The Altador Cup: The annual Altador Cup is held in the Coliseum, and thousands of people come from here, there and just about everywhere to bear witness to this fantastic sporting event. Just make sure to get to your seat quickly or risk getting trampled by fans. Make sure you have a friend to keep your seat if you need to use the bathroom or get a slushie, but be quick about it! The Tuskaninny waitress doesn’t have time to dawdle, and other customers WILL get angry, and they WILL beat you with their foam fingers and mops.

3: Be wary of mentally unstable Grarrls: Yeah. A curiously odd Grarrl may confront you about some punch or something. Why have punch when you can have slushies? So... just ignore any you may find.

Meridell

The medieval land of Meridell is indeed exciting, but as we all know, the more exciting a world is, the more dangerous. Dangerouser? Is that a word? Whatever.

1: Petpets are scary!: You might think that spooky petpets from the Haunted Woods would be scarier, but they aren’t. You could be walking along, minding your own business when you trip in a Symol hole and break your face. Or, you could accidentally bump into Turmaculus, wake him up, and get eaten. So watch your step. Especially around Turmaculus. I repeat: HE. WILL. EAT. YOU. Or he’ll eat one of your petpets and give you a prize, but would it really be worth it? Losing a dear friend of yours for the sake of a status symbol? Petpets are cute fuzzy-wuzzy little critters, and if you’re lame you could say that they’re status symbols. But (annoy Turmaculus or refer to petpets as status symbols), if you do, you’ll be hounded by the PPL. *

2: Don’t bother telling King Skarl a bad joke.: King Skarl can be moody at times, so if you bug him with a bad joke, you’ll probably end up with Valrigard as a cabin mate. So if you want to tell him a joke, make sure it’s funny.

3: Pick your cheeses wisely!: Naturally, I’m referring to the game of Cheeseroller. Make sure to pick a cheese you can handle. I’ve seen many a roller pick Brick Cheese, roll it down a hill, trip, and end up getting flattened under said Brick Cheese. So, do yourself a favor and pick one of the lighter cheeses. Also, it is entirely possible for you to be flattened by a ton of potatoes trying to count them, or smushed by that huge marrow.

4: Dumpster Diving Tips: Meridell proudly holds the title of “Owner of Neopia’s Largest Rubbish Dump”. (Runners up being the Snowager’s Cave, Smuggler’s Cove, and the Tiki Tack, which only lost by a single item. Poor Tombola guy.) There are lots of little baubles you could find, really neat ones. But there are dangerous ones there, like rusty tin cans or the very annoying Neopet v2 module. Make sure you have first aid if you try to to look for anything. I recommend wearing a durable mask, helmet, and some think, durable work clothes. And lots of showers or baths.

*Avoid Florg and Snow Beasts as well to avoid your petpet being eaten.

The Lost Desert

Named for the fact that people tend to get lost traversing the sands. Seriously, folks. Get a desert guide. Or better yet, why go out there? It’s nothing but sand. Stay in Sakhmet or Qasala; there’s very little for you out there.

1: Stay out of Sutek’s Tomb: You wouldn’t want nosy adventurers poking around in YOUR tomb, would you? Sutek didn’t. That’s why there are so many traps there, to keep people like you away. Be prepared to never see the sun again if you even enter.

2: Know how to swim: It would make more sense to put this up under Maraqua, but if you plan to play a game of Tug-o-War, know how to swim, and know how to swim well. If you fall into the river, it will take you out to sea.

3: Scarab Repellant!: You’ll need either this or a stone tank to deal with all those annoying and pesky scarabs out in the desert.

4: Don’t steal!: Don’t do this anywhere, but I put this under Lost Desert because if you DO steal here, Elephantes will search for you all over the city. If you do plan to test your thieving skills here, then make sure you have lots of peanuts to bribe your way out of sticky situations.

Yep, twenty three safety tips for six Neopian worlds. There are more obvious tips for more dangerous world like the Ice Caves or Geraptiku, but people assume far too often that the only bad things happen there. But twenty three is such an odd number! Let’s make it an even twenty four with the most effective safety tip of all:

DO NOTHING!

You know what I always say: “If nothing you do, no bad will befall you!” Seriously. Take no chances, annoy no one, touch nothing, and nothing bad will happen! Except the chance you’re in Happy Valley or something and there’s a freak hailstorm. Feel free to do something in that case.

Stay Safe, Neopians!