Eye Liner Or Hair Dye? Life As A Neopian Goth

It seems that you haven't found your calling in life. It seems that the sun is simply too potent for your inner child of darkness. I propose to you, that your purpose is to be a Goth.

Sure, Neopian life is full of happiness, but if you search hard enough, you'll find those elusive gothic clues. Go to the petpet shop- if you look carefully, the shopkeeper has a black streak on her bandana. Ever wondered why? Goth. If you travel to the Tyrannian Concert hall, you may be lucky enough to be sold a ticket for the brilliant Twisted Roses. Goths. Have you ever aided malignant Jhudora in one of her gruesome quests? You've been helping a Goth. To complete this list of infamy, even the wise and slightly cursed Prince Jazan himself was plentiful with the black eye shadow. Once again, we have a Goth.

Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing wrong with being a Neopian Goth. It’s just a very... delicate subject, and as I have the foresight and manners of a Tonu in a china shop, you might just possibly be offended anyway. My apologies.

So, now that you have evidence and an incentive to turn Goth, you should start straight away!

1) Location, location, location.

To be a successful Goth, you'll need to let dark atmospheric surroundings enclose you, so you can glean ideas and knowledge that will help you decide just how gothic you will become. Now, the obvious place for a neohome would be the Haunted Woods. In a completely non-biased way I will say that all denizens of the Haunted Woods are pure evil, and should be avoided at all costs unless you have a pitchfork, flaming torch or similar item of such persuasion. For me, the best habitats to nurture your morbid needs are the Lost City of Geraptiku, Qasala, or Altador.

The Lost City of Geraptiku is incredibly gloomy and full of inconspicuous forbidding spike traps and booby traps that will please you to no end. Qasala is probably the Neopian capital for black eye shadow, whilst Altador is full of gloomy forests and canyons you can traipse through while thinking about rain clouds.

2) Fit your house with haunted furniture.

Despite the clear fact that Haunted Woods is an abomination from the deepest pits of Dr Sloth's conniving, scheming mind, it is safe to assume that Haunted Woods furniture will not try and corrupt the very fabric of your being. Placing drapes instead of curtains in your windows is a great place to start, and instead of conventional lighting methods you could try candles that drip wax unhelpfully over your desks and tabletops. Try placing posters on your shabby, peeling walls that depict scenes of your favourite battles, images of your favourite shady bands cudgelling themselves with their guitars and you may even want to try framing photographs of yourself looking glum.

To be a Goth, you'll need to make your dwellings as foreboding as possible. Don't paint your walls cheerful colours. Black will do fine.

3) Dress up.

Right, you've bought your neohome, made it look like a decaying ruin, and spread your morbid tendencies to their limits- or so you thought. It's time to change your image. This has two major advantages- one being that average Neopians will flee before your make-up and wrath (ideal for the Battledome, another reason why becoming a Goth is a good thing), and the second being that fellow Goths will be able to recognize you. Neopia has a wide range of items, clothing and cosmetics for this market.

Rule number 1: Black hair dye is your friend.

Rule number 2: Black lipstick can be used appropriately.

Rule number 3: Quirky hair bands and clips will be useful in any situations.

Rule number 4: Wearing only one glove is the new black for Goths, so they're naturally crazy over them.

Rule number 5: Your clothes should be dark, possibly lacy, but always carry undertones of mystery.

So basically, just copy the contents of my wardrobe.

4) Form a coven of darkness.

Goths have friends too! You can do all sorts of things together- traipse through cities, compare your clothing, form a Battledome group. It’s not all shadows and hiding. By all means, go out to Roo Island together and play games and relax. But remember- the Merry Go Round is not to be trusted.

5) Recognize emos as your enemy.

Ah. The emo. The true origins of the emo are unknown, but it is widely believed they are causing the decline of Goths- so don’t let them! Are they declaring that their bands are better than yours? Here’s a little test. Give your emo culprit a guitar- I guarantee they’ll hold it upside down and look awkward. You, the Goth, know how to use your guitar as a weapon of musical expression. You will probably come into conflict with a renegade emo in your Goth life, and depending on what your Goth level is, you can either be civil, avoid them, or show them your Sword of the Apocalypse. (As this article is possibly getting contentious, the author would like to say that being civil is always very nice).

You can recognize emos by the emo usuki dolls they carry, and the millions of patches they've sewn onto their rucksacks featuring bands you don't like and that insult your gothic heritage. They will probably use their emo usuki avatar. On the same grounds, you can recognize fellow Goths by the 'nightsteed' or 'gloomy' avatar they are using.

6) Decide how Gothic you shall become.

There are different grades of gothic-ness, and these should all be taken seriously. Choose from the following.

1- You are a Light Goth. You only use eye shadow on special occasions, you do not own a von roo plushie, and you wear normal clothes.

2- You are a mediocre Goth. Whilst dying your hair black was successful, you have still not been able to remove yourself from the jolly system of Neopian life.

3- You are an Average Goth. You live in a normal city, but shroud yourself in darkness and lacy clothing. You have some Goth friends, and did once throw your pet rock at an emo.

4- You are an Elder Goth. You've done enough to make yourself recognized as an experienced Goth, and have pockets lined with eye shadow. You may have also painted yourself Halloween.

5- You are a Super-Goth. You have special super-powers, which include the 'withering glare', 'dripping candles of eventual mishap', and 'organ playing of abysmal fortune'. You are feared by many, and sometimes you will leave small offerings outside Edna's Tower. You might live in cities, or may be contemplating moving to the wilderness.

6- You are a Master-Goth. You do not talk to any form of Goth below an Elder-Goth, and live in a small shack in a forest near a melancholy spooky lake. Your neohome is dark and foreboding, and only other reputable Goths can find you. Your psychic links are strong.

7- You are a Mega-Goth. Your super powers have been upgraded to 'Stare of shadow-penetrating doom', 'masterful scream of discord' and the abominable 'Unusual shuffle'. You can also fly slightly and converse with bottled dark faeries.

8- You are an Uber-Goth. Life for you is a menagerie of lacy clothes, black eye shadow, spike pits, and candle wax. You don't talk much, but sometimes venture into Neopia Central to show you're proud of your heritage. You buy dark items from the toy shops and only read mystery books. Your socks are odd colours, and you storm into restaurants demanding fresh asparagus.

9- You are a Hero Goth. You light your Spooky Skull Candle and organize your clothes in your Double Coffin Wardrobe. You do not let forbidden sunlight penetrate your dwelling, and have fitted your house with Boarded Up Windows. You communicate with creatures of the night, and actually know the beast that lurks behind the tree personally, and sometimes take midnight snacks with it. You will not converse with anything below Uber-Goth status.

10- You are a creature of the night. Hero Goths try and speak with you, but you will disappear into the shadows before they can psychically welcome you. You have many superpowers, but if I wrote them down in this article, the NT would be cursed forever. You help Jhudora often, and never venture into cities without a vanguard of fellow Goths behind you.

You've read all that you need to know. Venture into this world if you wish, pathetic mortal. I must now return to the woods. Pah- you thought my hatred for the Haunted Woods was real? No, little one, it was a mere ploy. A cunning distraction, if you like. I must now return to my lair.

With unpleasant regards,

~TheHideousAuthor~