Hug a Mutant Chia

Today I am here not to bring you a game guide.

I am not here to advise you about some obscure portion of your Neopian life you most likely don’t even care about.

Instead, I am here to warn you about something close to your heart.

Neopia is in a dire situation. Dire.

I think everyone agrees when I say that this is a terrible problem.

What, exactly, is said terrible problem?

It’s quite simple: There’s a conspiracy going on with your favourite NP earning game.

It’s not the featured game. It’s not Kass Basher, or even Meerca Chase.

THERE IS AN IMPOSTER IN USUKI FRENZY.

I am here to inform you all that something is seriously wrong, and us Neopians need to get to the bottom of it all.

Let me present the facts and controversies about this horrible reality that we are slowly adapting to.

#1 – Lucie’s Personality

Lucie, the main character of Usuki Frenzy, has a dilemma. The main page for Usuki Frenzy explains that “A young Cybunny named Lucie was about to leave for a vacation with her parents when she realised that she'd forgotten to pack a few crucial items - her Usuki doll sets! How will she spend those long hours of travel without them?”

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I need to dissect this, because this is just clearly laced with... problems.

First of all, Lucie forgot to pack “a few crucial items”. First thing that comes to mind is toothpaste, right? Or maybe a hairbrush. Or maybe even a Virtupets Smoke Bomb that’s about to explode if you don’t press the big green button on Sloth’s desk, and Lucie has to report back to her leader Slothy about her success...

But, nope. It’s nothing dire, such as shampoo or world domination plots.

She’s forgotten a bunch of USUKI SETS.

So now you’ve got to run around her horribly organized house... picking up the toys she forgot to put in the toy box last Tuesday?

To make things worse, the page doesn’t say “Lucie loves Usuki dolls.” Nope. It says “How will she spend those long hours of travel without them?”

Can’t she find ANYTHING better to do?

And how is she travelling? I thought that most technology wasn’t allowed in Neopia. “Oh, she can walk...” LIES. THEN HOW IS SHE PLAYING WITH TEN DIFFERENT USUKI SETS WHILE SHE’S WALKING?!

I tried reading while walking my dog, once. I ran into a brick wall.

Pick up the Usuki closest to you, and then put on your walking shoes. Seriously, shouldn’t shoes take priority over Usukis if you’re going to be walking for a few hours?

So, let me get this straight.

Lucie loves Usuki dolls. In fact, she loves them so much that she plays with ten different sets at once while trekking across Neopian oceans. She would be willing to risk her life to save such dolls, seeing as Usuki dolls take priority over Cabbage Bombs.

...

Moving along...

#2 – Lucie’s Parents

“Lucie's parents have given her three minutes to run back into the house and grab all of her favourite Usuki doll sets. Can you help Lucie collect everything she needs before time is up?”

Building upon the obvious problems with Lucie, as pointed out in the previous section... I also sense something wrong with her family life from these two sentences alone.

First of all, her parents let her put her Usukis EVERYWHERE. Behind the toilet? Check!

Secondly, her family has done absolutely nothing to stop her obsession. They are forcing her to walk uphill both ways through a snowstorm across Neopian oceans for twelve hours to go to vacation while she’s playing with ten different Usuki sets. That’s just wrong.

Third... her parents are timing her? There’s a timer in the game, so I would assume they’re standing out there, holding up some clock, and hoping she makes it in time. Personally, with the way her house is set up, and the way there’s junk spread out throughout her house... I’d be more concerned about my kid tripping over that table than I would be concerned with her making it outside in 2:59.99 minutes. But, then again, they’re the ones letting her risk her life with Cabbage Bombs...

#3 – Her Garden

In the screenshots on the main page, there is a gnome.

This should explain itself.

#4 – Lucie vs. Sally...?

Okay, here’s the part that concerns me the most.

I was sitting there, wondering why Lucie looked so... different. And suddenly it hit me. Lucie wasn’t always the main character. Sally the Usul used to have the same problem!

That’s right! Lucie took Sally’s job!!

Oh, some of you say it’s simply a game revamp. I say it’s something bigger. Something more of a conspiracy.

Did TNT even explain where Sally went? Nope. So that leads me to two different theories.

First of all, Lucie could have tied Sally up, and put her inside of that really ominous looking orange shelf inside of the living room. And this would explain why sometimes you can pick up Usuki dolls for extra points... it’s Sally’s desperate attempt to catch your attention. She’s trying to let you know that she’s trapped in said shelf, and she needs help.

How can you be so heartless? Help her already!

Or, probably a more likely theory, seeing as most Neopians are not heartless: Lucie is Sally with a name change.

That’s right. Lucie got a morphing potion. She disguised herself. And then she lied. She lied to us all, saying that her name was really Lucie and not Sally.

I believe this theory is more plausible, seeing as Lucie’s parents are truly... one of a kind, as established earlier. I’m hoping that there aren’t many other parents out there who take 72 hour long walking excursions while forcing their children to eat breadcrumbs off of the ground while playing with 10 different Usuki sets behind their backs.

So, if Sally is obviously = Lucie... there’s still one thing that needs to be solved.

# 5 - Why?

Why did Lucie think it was time to get rid of Sally?

Here’s my thoughts: Lucie’s a spy.

That’s right. She’s the Zafara Double Agent of the Cybunnies.

Lucie works for Doctor Sloth. All of the people you thought to be good in this world are really working for him, and they will all betray you. He is watching you from every corner, preparing to someday make you too one of his loyal and trusting minions. Lucie really began her story as a Mutant Chia, drool and slobber dominating her world. But Sloth told her that he could provide her with a better life. That he could find her a home. If only she’d agree to help him in return...

Sally, terrified and shaking, hungry and depressed... decided it was in her best interest to help this mysterious green chicken. So she reluctantly agreed. Sloth came over to her with one of his laser guns, and without warning, zapped her into a red Usul. He turned her into the one thing scarier than a Mutant Chia, and found her a home.

But the home was haunted.

No, Sally’s parents are no longer alive. That is why they fail to feel the pain. That is why they fail to see how they are being cruel to her, with their timers and their walking vacations. They are ghosts. They cannot feel the pain as she has. They lived in a tiny four room house. Sally was miserable. But one day, she happened to see an Usuki in the window of a store. Collecting her few coins together, she bought it.

Sloth’s brainwashing scheme was going beautifully. Neopians were flocking to the new Usuki Frenzy game, and slowly becoming part of his conspiracy.

But Sally had found her calling. She had found the one thing that made her happier than anything in the world. Usukis.

She’d be willing to take an attack of Starry Battle Dung for those lovely Usukis. They listened to her, even though they were just really creepy plastic dolls. They were her best friends. Her only friends.

So one night, Sally stole Neopoints from her ghost parents’ bank. She ran to the trading post, and bought herself a Morphing Potion. And she became a Cybunny.

Desperate to run away from home with her Usukis, she ran out of the house and into the middle of the street. She had all ten sets in her hands, and they overflowed, tripping her with every step.

Suddenly, a black cloak appeared, and she knew it was over...

“Who are you?” the dark, dark voice bellowed throughout the foggy Neopia Central air. Sally shivered. She remembered Sloth’s ray gun. With terror in her eyes, she decided to lie.

“My name is Lucie.” She stopped herself from trembling.

“LIES!” Sloth bellowed, and held up the empty bottle of potion.

Then he promptly woke up her parents by singing a Christmas carol.

Her parents, too poor to afford a new Morphing Potion, decided she was going to have to stay like that.

While pondering how they’d explain her appearance change, Sloth had an idea.

“Let’s move you guys to a new house, and say we have a new main character.”

Shrugging in a ghastly way, the ghost-parents did this.

“But aren’t you going to punish her for trying to run away?” The parents, having no empathy for poor Lucie, turned to Sloth and asked him this important question.

“I put a gnome in the garden.”

With that simple explanation, Sloth was off, and Lucie was doomed to a life even more hideous than before.

#6 – How does this affect you?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what Sally/Lucie’s up to, right now. What Sloth has up his sleeve...

But I thought it was my duty to protect you all. My duty to tell you about what’s going on right in front of our eyes, tearing Neopia apart. It’s tragic. I’m sure that this is on more people’s minds than the NC Mall itself.

Someday, I will have more information to assist you in preparing against a Sloth attack.

But for right now, if anyone tells you to play Usuki Frenzy, know that Lucie is a more insane and tragic figure than all of the villains combined.

Today, hug a Mutant Chia.