How To Get On Illusen's Good Side

First, introductions. I am a Maraquan Eyrie named Dyhol, but you can call me “Dy,” “Dypstick,” “do you Dy your hair,” “Irreconcilable Dychotomy,” or, if you hate me, “Die, Hol!”

Let us begin with the basics: things which you should avoid doing at all costs because Illusen will boot you from her Glade with incredible speed and make you land in the garbage dump with alarming accuracy.

Do not question her fashion sense.

Like any faerie, Illusen reacts violently if you point out the oddities of her wardrobe. Do not ask her if her fingerless green gloves are in fact old Mighty Techo Gloves that someone tossed off at the Money Tree. Do not call them “hobo gloves” either. Side note: do not ask her if her green highlights are natural.

Do not mention the J-word.

Illusen is perhaps best known for her ongoing feud with Jhudora. Illusen turns into a raging, foaming, Earth Faerie version of a ticked-off Devilpuss at the very mention of Jhudora (complete with fang growth). The details of these two faeries’ feud is still unknown -- some feel that it relates to Jhudora’s tendency to compare Illusen’s head to various fruits and vegetables. On that note...

Do not call Illusen a “mushroom-headed freak.”

This annoys her for some reason.

Do not ask her why she left Faerieland.

Another one of those touchy subjects. I personally believe that she left because she didn’t want to bunk with Jhudora and couldn’t afford other accommodations. However, when I shared this theory with her, she burst into a huge laugh and gave me a cream cookie. So I really can’t confirm anything except for the fact that Illusen’s cream cookies are tasty.

Do not tell her to go get her (quest item) herself.

This both defeats the purpose of Illusen’s Quests, and annoys her because she knows very well which direction the Shop Wizard is in and does not need you to point her to it. As she kindly told me, “I know where the Shop Wizard is, you overgrown Beekadoodle. Now fetch my Basic Red Floor Tiles before I grow a Tree Weed out of your head.”

Now let us move onto the things which your should definitely try to do to make Illusen like you and give you cream cookies.

Be prompt in your Questing.

By this I mean, come back to Illusen’s Glade as soon as you have the item, instead of hovering around the outside of it, taunting her with the item until you have three seconds left to hand it in. Earth Faeries do not have a very well-developed sense of humour. When I tried this little gag out, Illusen made me trip over roots at two seconds remaining and I failed the quest. This made her laugh very hard.

So maybe Earth Faeries do have a sense of humour but it revolves around plant matter. I guess the word “tubercle” is funny, so I can understand where that might come from.

Side note relating to plant humour: Illusen shared the following joke with me.

Q: Why did the leaf fall off of the tree?

A: Because it was dead!

When she tells it to you, laugh very hard.

Collect the merchandise.

Illusen is an action figure. This pleases her immensely. Tell her about how much you love your Floating Illusen Doll and brush its hair and kiss it goodnight. Tell her about your Illusen Canopy Bed and how you fall asleep imagining you are in her peaceful Glade, far from the troubles of the world.

Send her postcards liberally plastered with Illusen Stamps. Drink only Illusen Day Drinks. Eat only Illusen Day Sandwiches. Tie an Illusen Kite to your tail, wrap yourself in an Illusen Poster, balance an Illusen Snowglobe on your head, drag an Illusen Chair behind you using the vines from an Illusen Vine Rug, and come and visit her. She will either love you or think you’re a huge creep. (I haven’t actually tried this myself because I can’t afford these exclusive items. If you try it, please inform me of the results. Alternately, you can just send me all the stuff and I’ll update you on the outcome. And keep your stuff.)

Collect the cards.

It’s okay to look like a gigantic nerd. Tell her that your favourite of all of the Illusen-related TCGs is simply the one entitled “Illusen.” Talk about how flattering that TCG picture is. Ramble about how cool the glowing plant growth power thing is and ask her to show it to you. When I asked her, she was kind enough to make a Tree Weed sprout right before my eyes, but not out of my head, as she had previously threatened to do.

Write about her.

See, I’m doing it right now. Illusen is going to think I’m awesome. You could also write a massive twelve-part series examining how and why Illusen is so much better than Jhudora. You could write a poem for the Poetry Gallery. Helpful hint: Illusen rhymes with glen, when, zen, ten, then, den, again, pen. So a totally amazing poem would go something like this:

“Illusen,”

(or, “An Ode to Perfection”)

Oh how I love Illusen,

I love to visit her in her glen.

It is infinitely cooler than Jhudora’s ugly den.

The atmosphere in Illusen’s Glade is very zen.

I last quested for her at half-past ten,

And tomorrow I will do so again.

I wish there was an Illusen Pen.

I know, I know, I should be a Neopian Poet Laureate. That Alstaf Poogle guy has got nothing on me.

Summary.

Illusen is nice when she is not called Mushroom Head. Mentions of Jhudora result in outbursts of manic fury. Illusen is not wearing hobo gloves. Laugh at the dead leaf joke. Buy, live and breathe Illusen merchandise. Collect Illusen-related TCGs like a gigantic nerd. Do these things and Illusen will like you and not make a Tree Weed grow out of your head.

Thank you, and may Illusen’s Glade always be green for you and may your step always be light enough to avoid being tripped over by rogue roots.