Aquatic Junkology for Newbies

The future is a mysterious thing. You never really know what's waiting for you just around the corner, and that's a scary thought sometimes. Thankfully, there are tools all around you to help make it a bit less foggy. The mystic crystal ball allows the user to gaze into tomorrow, an empty cup of tea spells out ominous messages with its dregs, and the Island Mystic mutters wise predictions (mostly about angry Kyrii).

But one age old secret of divination seems to go unnoticed today. I speak of course of the ancient and noble art of aquatic junkology. "What in the world is that" you ask? No, dear reader, it is not a method of speaking that makes you sound like you're underwater with a lollipop stick in your mouth. It's a method of gazing deep into the murky depths of the future and pulling out knowledge (very wet and often drippy knowledge).

Also called kelpomancy, dampjunkery, or pond divination, aquatic junkology is the art of studying the spoils from a session of underwater fishing in the hopes of discovering your own immediate future. Anyone can poke about at lumps of soggy tea or stare at their own reflection in a crystal ball, but mastering the art of aquatic junkology takes much, much more. It takes massive amounts of skill. It takes painful amounts of dedication. It takes... a fishing pole! Fortunately, you can replace skill and dedication with a brief and informative introductory course on the subject (you will, however, still need the fishing pole). Yes, even the most lackluster students of underwater fishing can learn what the billowing leaves of the sea fern hold for them if they have time to read an article- this article, in fact. So grab a pole, pack a lunch, and find a comfortable place on the jetty- you may be at this for quite a while, but it's well worth it.

Simply knowing what aquatic junkology is will not get you very far at all. You can't very well expect to reel in your line and have the fish shout stock tips at you. No, to see your future in the tentacles of a fractalpus, you need to understand the language of the junk. Modern junkologists base their predictions off of meanings derived from the journals of ancient Maraquan sages, who seldom made a decision without first consulting a net full of fishing swag. Using this same complex set of meanings, you too can trade in your daily horoscope for wetter, wigglier fare.

Let us begin with an example. Say you were to dip in your line and pull out an eyefish. A fairly common catch, and a wonderful example of the complexities of junkologic symbology. The first thing you will notice about an eye fish is its rather large eyeball. Because of this, the eyefish is synonymous with perception and enlightening experiences. Catching an eyefish is a sure sign that you will soon have an experience which will change the way you think about things, or that you are going to be blessed with new and exciting knowledge. If you happen to catch a glimpse of your reflection in the eyefish's gigantic eye, your new knowledge is sure to be about yourself- you will most likely discover a new passion or skill, or just realize you have spinach in your teeth.

From here it is easy to make observations about most anything you catch. A breadfish, perhaps the most nutritious of the sea's offerings, signifies bounty. You can expect a sudden financial gain. A rotten right boot tells of loneliness, and catching the left one soon after insures that you will make a very good friend. Even catching nothing at all means something- it means you are far too impatient to start predicting your future and should wait a bit longer.

By now, you should be starting to grasp the complex language that is junkologic symbology, but I just wouldn't feel right letting you run off without a guide to refer back to if you get a bit stuck. In the name of academics, here is a small sample of the goodies you may pull from the deep, along with their meanings.

Mossy rock- If you are thinking of starting a long term project, today would be an excellent day to start. If you already have a project started, expect a delay in getting it done, but do not give up hope- you will succeed; it will just take longer than you anticipated.

Shimmery Seagrass- This grass is very pretty, but surprisingly sharp and utterly useless. Be on the lookout for deception today! If any deal seems to good to be true, it most definitely should be ignored.

Bag of broken neopoints- Expect your stocks to take a deep nose dive. Today will be a hard day for you financially, as many of your neopoints will crumble and break. Do NOT attempt to sell or trade your broken neopoints (or anything for that matter) today, as you will be underbid.

Landfish- A sudden, drastic change will occur. If you use the lab ray, be prepared for a species change. Today would be a good day to try a new game or activity.

Scrawnyfish- Be very careful with your spending today, or you risk losing them tomorrow. Make sure your pets are well fed, but if possible do not spend any money at all.

Small giant squid- You will find that your expectations in every area will not be met today. Be prepared for disappointment.

Waterfish- Something you had always thought was impossible will happen today, either good, or bad.

Butterfish- If you catch it on the same day as a bread fish, luck is on your side today. New ventures will usually be successful, and your stocks will do well. If you catch it without a breadfish, toss it back. Butterfish are no good without breadfish, and are very high in saturated fat.

Lesser spotted fish- Expect small achievements today. Nothing monumental will happen, but you will find that you have lots of little reasons to be happy.

Cheery plant- It is of the utmost importance that you donate to the money tree today, or find another way to make a perfect stranger happy. Failure to do so will lead to misery in your life.

Waterlogged book- You will find that today is a good time to concentrate on something besides aquatic junkology. Any items you catch on the same day as a waterlogged book are bunk and should be donated or discarded without examination. This includes the book.

In your pursuit to learn the secrets of the deep, you are bound to find skeptics. While you may be tempted to push them off the jetty and go about your business, fight the urge! Reeling in a waterlogged skeptic leads to rather poor performance in most games and a lot of random attacks from the Pant Devil. Instead, simply ignore them and embrace your newfound knowledge, and remember that they are probably just grumpy because they caught a small giant squid.

So the next time you reel in your line, look closely at your treasure before donating it to the money tree. You will find that your future is just a little bit less mysterious, and a whole lot more fun.

Note - I cannot be held responsible if you catch a breadfish and your stocks still fail.