Evil Laughter 101

Unfortunately, many Neopians have no clue as to how they should properly express their wicked amusement, so to speak. Most are amateurs; a select few are masters; most are wannabes. To these wannabes, there exists only one thing left to say: you're doing it wrong.

How should one get around to doing it right, then? It really is quite simple, this evil laughter business, once you get the hang of it. Just half an hour with this article and you'll soon be cackling like a pro. Choose a style you're suited to, keep practicing, and once you get it down to a science you'll be able to giggle and howl with the best of the best!

1. The Maniacal Laugh, aka The Muahahahaha

A favourite of illustrious Neopians such as Dr Sloth and Number Six. If you enjoy flashy displays of power, shifty eyes and loud noises, this laugh is for you! (There has been some debate over the number of 'ha's in the Muahahahaha, and its variations Mwahahahaha and Bwahahahaha. For the purposes of this article, we will stick to the standard four.)

Instructions: This technique requires a lot of air, so take a deep breath first. Puff up your chest, throw your head back, don't pound your chest, open your mouth slightly as if in preparation for a sinister smile. Good. For added effect, bare your (sharp) teeth when enunciating the successive "ha"s and raise your arms high in the air (not recommended for those of you with short/no arms).

Uses: Scaring Baby Neopets, when counting/rolling in wealth (you are wealthy, right?), "error 404!", essential component of World Domination

2. The Spine-Chilling Cackle

This laugh will send chills down the spines of even the bravest of Neopets! The technique originated in the Haunted Woods, where it was pioneered by the likes of Edna and Sophie; it later proliferated to the Dark Faerie population.

Instructions: The Cackle produces a sharper, crisper sound than the Muahahahaha. Therefore, taking a deep breath first is not required and is in fact discouraged - your cackle should be nasal rather than breathy. For added visual effect, grow your nails/claws long and sharpen them. Prepare a chalkboard nearby - and keep it close.

Uses: Eardrum-piercing, when turning someone into a Mortog, *ribbit*, "fetch me the pie", "lookwhatyoujustdid"

3. The Malicious Snicker

This one's as old as Neopia itself, really. Young Neopets seem to have the ability since birth, as demonstrated in the playground of many a Neoschool. Just a few notes of this snicker will be enough to send a Frowny into tears, a Werelupe howling, and a Mortog asploding.

Instructions: Inhale air through your nose and expel it from your mouth as a series of utterly patronizing and annoying noises. (This does not mean mooing.) To enhance your performance, add an evil glint to your eyes while simultaneously scrunching them up and using your hand/paw/hoof/claw to stroke your chin.

Uses: Annoying people, "better than you", annoying people, "I just got the last Chocolate Covered Peanut", "you're doing it wrong", annoying people

4. The Deep Rumble

Ah, hear that sound? This laugh is more suited to Male Neopets, but Female Neopets are welcome to try it, too! This laugh has always been a staple weapon in the Mutant Grundo arsenal. When properly executed, it can send the most stoic of Neopets quaking in their Lucky Green Boots!

Instructions: Start by lowering your voice register until you've hit a suitably rumbling low note. Open your mouth slightly and use all the power in every bone in your body to force that laugh out. Each subsequent "ha" should be a tone lower and a shiver "rumbly-er". Try practicing in front of a stack of Neoblocks - they should shake with every intonation you make. Your arms should be spread out but pointing downwards (towards a hopefully trembling ground).

Uses: To enhance stature, to make up for a lack of stature, "hello there, young Neopet", "what's for dinner?"

5. The Patronizing Chuckle

We've all been on the receiving end of one of these at least once in our lives. More often than not we want to slap the perpetuator of the chuckle about the ears with a stale Breadfish. Two things we must observe: the laugh is highly effective when one chooses to act like a jerk (for lack of a better word), and to take safety precautions when using it in public.

Instructions: Execution is similar to that of the Malicious Snicker, but the produced sound should be of a more audible variety. Tone should be more "indulgent" than "malevolent", but don’t forget to throw in that mocking edge! Accompany your chuckle with a shake of the head for that extra annoyance factor.

Uses: On your younger siblings, muddle-headed lesser minions, "why of course you can", "no really", "not really"

6. The Girly Simper, aka the tehehehehe

"tehehehehe" in small letters to denote the diminutive-ness of this one. Yet for one so small, how frightening the reverberation! Nothing screams "EVIL" louder than this syrupy sweet sound; it invokes images of frills, bows, pink Kadoaties, pink, pink, and just plain girly evil. Not recommended for Male Neopets – no, not even the Uni. ;)

Instructions: This laugh is the polar opposite of the Deep Rumble. Take a small breath, and aim for those glass-ceiling high notes. Instead of the common "ha" sound used in laughter, use "heehee" instead to create a more shrill effect. Moderate your voice carefully: you want sickeningly saccharine, not sharp crackling cackle.

Uses: Scaring your little brother, freaking people out, "of course I didn't", "why would I do such a thing?"

7. The Disbelieving Snort

In my opinion, this has to be the most underrated laugh in Neopia. It’s short, crisp, to the point, expresses everything a laugh is supposed to, and it doesn’t even strain the vocal cords! Yet some have dismissed it as a mere "non-laugh" (complete with a Patronizing Chuckle). Nevertheless, I have taken the liberty of including it here simply because of its extreme usefulness in quelling foolish subordinates.

Instructions: Inhale gently through your nose and expel it with as much force as you can accompanied by a throat-noise. If executed correctly, you should produce a suitably disdainful nasal pronunciation. Be careful, though – you wouldn’t want to blow snot all over the place (ew), that would incite Malicious Snickers (unless you’re Meuka). Garnish your snort with some eye-rolling.

Uses: Expressing disbelief/disdain, clearing the sinuses, "did she just say that", "you make no sense, okay"

8. The Meep

Okay, so it isn’t really a laugh. I don’t care. This sound is so evil (not to mention adorable) that I can’t bear to exclude it from this evilest of evils list! Invented by the Meepits (who else?), the Meep quickly gained popularity across Neopia as the gold standard for audible evil.

Instructions: ...oh, come on.

Uses: When attacking, when chewing on cardboard, when fighting Feepits, when taking over the world, mind control

...And that concludes this exercise in the evilest of evil and the funniest of funny! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed testing out all the different forms of laughter on unsuspecting passersby.

P.S. Remember, kids: Feepits are bad! *meep*