Crazy for Food

Now, she's gotten this hare-brained idea that she should write some sort of restauranteur's guide--as if she should be rating--

Duckiiy: "Kelly? What are you scribbling?"

Kelly: "Oh--nothing, Duck!"

Duckiiy: "Oh good! You can act as the scribe for my guide, then! Oh, ho ho, scribe, guide! How perfect! Now, let's start with Neopia Central!"

Kelly: "Duckiiy, I'm not sure that you should be doing this. I mean, what do you really know about foo-"

Duckiiy: "NOW, LET'S START WITH NEOPIA CENTRAL."

---

Neopian Fresh Foods

I tried three rather terrible dishes from this all-stop shop: my main dish was Lenny Cream of Onion Soup; my drink was a Shenkuu Chocolate Milk Glass; and my dessert was a Carrot Cone, with a total cost of 3,792 Neopoints.

To be frank, the Lenny Cream of Onion Soup was the only decent part of my meal. It was rather delicious and thick, worthy of being served at Maraqua's fine Kelp. It was also ridiculously cheap--

844 Neopoints is not ridiculously cheap. She is delusional, at best.

--and well worth the cost. However, I was surprised the chef who made it, a Chia who kept flipping one single pancake over and over and over and over, even had time to think up the recipe for such a soup. Literally, all he did was flip pancakes. I don't know how he charged me. Frankly, I was surprised he manages to restock three times an hour, because I didn't see him set down that pancake once. I was there for four hours.

When I tried to complain that my drink, the Shenkuu Chocolate Milk Glass, was perhaps better suited for--shall we say, SHENKUU?, he merely laughed and flipped that pancake. It was by far the most expensive item I consumed, at 2,108 neopoints, yet it shouldn't even belong on that menu.

Finally, I had a lovely Carrot Cone, if by "lovely" I mean "terrible." It was a hunk of carrot, slathered in chocolate sauce and plopped into a waffle cone as if the crazy pancake-flipping chef didn't even care enough to play it off as a joke. Why? For the love of Fyora, why? Did he not understand that if there is one thing that shouldn't be covered in chocolate, it's a carrot? After I ate this nasty treat, I glared at him. That's how I spent the last three hours of my visit to his shop. He never once noticed. He just flipped his pancake.

---

Kelly: "Now, Duckiiy, I don't know if you're being fair. You're being extremely negative. That Chia is a very nice creature. I happen to know that he sells well over a thousand different types of food. Why, I bought all our food from him for a very long time."

Duckiiy: "You have strangely-shaped ears and I've no interest in what you think. Are you Royal? No."

Kelly: "I mean, do you think being Royal changes your taste buds?"

Duckiiy: "Can we please continue. Why are you, a commoner, questioning me? Do you want me to call the guards? Guards! Guar--!"

Kelly: "Okay, okay, let's just move on. But please, keep the negativity to a minimum--"

---

The Chocolate Factory

It's weird that the Kiko owner of the Chocolate Factory says nobody ever goes in, because I can completely understand why.

This is not what I meant by keep the negativity to a minimum, Duckiiy....

Whatever. As I purchased the goods for sale, I couldn't help but notice their descriptions.

Icy Heart Candy: "This is one cold heart."

Angry Emoticon Candy: "Now you can show your dislike with candy."

Mouldy Chocolate Heart: "Uh, someone left this chocolate out a bit too long."

Marshmallow Gobstopper: "It may taste like the soft, gooey confection, but it can crack your teeth!"

Oh my Fyora. Is that what you think Neopians enjoy? Getting their teeth cracked, consuming moldy food, purchasing angry-faced candies? I didn't even try the food available here--after all, I don't want to have to take a trip to the hospital. And, for the love of all that is good, why is selling moldy food even legal?

---

Kelly: "It doesn't seem fair to 'review' a food store that you didn't actually eat anything from, Duckiiy."

Duckiiy: "Again with the blathering?"

Kelly: "Well... I just think you need to re-think how you're going about this. You're going to make a lot of enemies in the food business."

Duckiiy: "I'm going to make a lot of frenemies. After all, they can't be angry if my review makes them realize they need to improve their business."

Kelly: "What? No."

---

The Bakery

What a quaint, lovely place! If there was one place I could spend the rest of eternity, it is Neopia Central's Bakery. It is owned and maintained by a lovely Kacheek, a chef of the greatest talent, a man who epitomizes creativity.

From his lovely cafe, I enjoyed two treats: a main dish and a small dessert: Starberry Scorchio Pancakes and a Marshmallow Jetsam Fin Cookie. The Pancakes were delicious--I wasn't even reminded of that Chia fellow from the Neopian Fresh Foods store, the one who just kept flipping and flipping.... Oh, where was I? Well, the pancakes are actually made with a special grain that gives them a little extra oomph. Most enjoyable! And, as if that wasn't enough, the Kacheek chef tops these beautiful delicacies with some Starberry syrup. For those of you not "in the know," Starberries are actually rather rare and can sell for upwards of 100,000 Neopoints. How the Bakery manages to sell these pancakes for 1,200 Neopoints, I'll never know.

As for the Marshmallow Jetsam Fin Cookie? Spectacular! Its description lists it as "dangerous," but isn't that an understatement. It's made with an intoxicating blend of sugar and spice, a treat so fine as to be worthy for only the most well-trained of taste buds.

So, you were upset that the gobstopper was "dangerous," but you're totally okay with the cookie? Are you sure that you're not just a little bit biased towards the Kacheek?

Of course I have no bias--I am a reviewer! I have pride! I do not accept bribes of marshmallow cookies for a good review, madam!

---

Kelly: "We're almost done, right, Duckiiy?"

Duckiiy: "Almost. I just want to do a final fell swoop of Neopia Central's 'Specialty Shops.' The Smoothie Store, Hubert's Hot Dogs, Pizzaroo and the Coffee Cave."

Kelly: "What about the Healthy Food store?"

Duckiiy: "What, you want me to write about everything? Can't I just cover that with, I don't know, Spooky Food? Or something?"

Kelly: "Does that make sense to you?"

Duckiiy: "...It does if you'll leave me alone."

Kelly: "If we're doing this, we're doing it well."

Duckiiy: "Fine. We'll have a section for the special shops and a section for the Healthy Food place thing-a-ma-thing. After that, I'm taking a break."

Kelly: "Thank Fyora."

---

Neopian Health Foods (place thing-a-ma-thing)

When you first walk into this story, you are attacked by a Quiggle who demands to know, "Would you like to buy some nice, healthy food for your Neopet?"

Would I? Would I?! I'll tell you--yes. Because my owner said I had to review this place, too.

Anyway, my visit to the Neopian Health Foods store actually wasn't that bad at all. The food there is utterly beautiful in its presentation: such a wonderful use of bright, warm colors, and each vegetable is arranged just so. The foods there are rather expensive, but well worth the cost. I purchased a delicious Mixed Fruit Kebab for a mere 1,450 Neopoints. I never knew that fruit could be smothered in honey and then grilled, but that kebab was the single greatest item of food I have ever consumed. After that, eating was ruined for me. I picked up a Korbat Seasonal Fruit Basket for the family--after all, if I don't take care of them, who will? our owner?--

Duckiiy! I buy you guys whatever you want!

This isn't about you! Shh!

So, as I was saying, I got a Korbat Seasonal Fruit Basket for my sisters, who all loved the variety of fruits. I don't know what it had to do with Korbats, so I'll dock a few points for that.

We're not doing points. Points? What are you talking about, points?

Yes, so, I'll dock a few points for that, which means Neopian Health Foods gets 42/47 points. A pity, but it was truly an amazing shop.

---

...Duckiiy: "Nothing to say?"

Kelly: "I just want to finish this."

---

Neopia Central's "Specialty Shops"

Now, this is a compilation of four shops: the Smoothie Store, the Coffee Cave, Hubert's Hot Dogs and Pizzaroo. They all focus on one area--smoothies, coffee, hot dogs and pizza, respectively--so I wasn't very interested in eating two or three items from each place. Rather, I've just purchased one item per specialty shop.

At the Smoothie Shop, I enjoyed a Small Seaspin Smoothie. It was a bit off-tasting (though it was advertised as "tasting great") and rather pricey at 1,762 Neopoints, but after drinking it, I felt fantastically energized! I zoomed around on a bike for hours. You want to see the dirt marks on my hem?

--Wait, no, I am Royal. Ahem. On to the Coffee Cave, where I was delighted to be served a Spring Flower Tea. The shopkeeper was a bright, sprightly Shoyru who seemed surprised that I had managed to find my way down to the Deep Catacombs. She kept calling me Bethany, and we had a lovely chat about her adoration of Feepits. Actually, that lovely chat lasted four hours, and I fell asleep for most of it. Still, good coffee.

After I managed to escape from the Coffee Cave, I stopped by Pizzaroo. There were a dozen different pizza types to choose from, and most were reasonably priced, but then my eyes fell upon a Solid Stone Pizza. Really? Really. It seems that this rather evilly-mustachio'd Blumaroo attempts to sell pizzas made entirely of rock. Even worse, he sees nothing wrong in this, and charges nearly 4,000 Neopoints per pizza. Beside it was a Coral Pizza, as well, with huge chunks of real coral on it. Do you know what coral is? Just as bad as rock for the teeth, I assure you! I was horrified. Surely these things aren't edible; even if he had created them for the poor, who often can't afford the best of foods, he's priced them far too high. I stared at it. I glared at him. That was how my time at Pizzaroo was spent: in horror.

Finally, I walked away. I made my way to Hubert's Hot Dogs, where I was perfectly ready to write up another bad review. Alas, I must surprise my readers with some rather good words about Hubert and his fare: Everything I ate there was delicious. Everything. I originally purchased a Fruit Stuffed Jacket Potato, thinking it would be terrible, but I was wrong. Oh, so wrong. The apple and kiwi slices perfectly complemented each other and mixed so well with the baked potato that I felt lighthearted. I was in love--in love with Hubert's Hot Dogs. I had to get something else.

So you broke your own rules?

If I make them, they're more like guidelines. Anyway, I overlooked a rather disgusting Ant Eaten Corn Dog and grabbed at a Beefy Cheesy Hot Dog. Now, I am not a lady who likes to indulge herself; this food looked a bit over-the-top with its condiments, and I don't actually like beef and cheese that much. Yet once again, I was in love. It was almost sickening how fast I gobbled that hot dog down. Hubert actually dropped what he was carrying, blinked, rubbed his eyes, and then asked, "Weren't you just eating?"

Yes, yes I was, Hubert.

---

Kelly: "Well, that concludes this little foray, eh, Duckiiy?"

Duckiiy: "For now, at least."

Kelly: "For now? No. Forever."

Duckiiy: "There are tons of other food shops for me to visit! You're really going to deprive me of the chance to taste such delicacies and then destroy them via the Neopian Times?"

Kelly: "Well, when you put it so kindly, yes."

Duckiiy: "We'll see. Oh, we'll see. Muahuahuahahuah...."

Kelly: "No more sugar for you."