Misadventures of an Innocent Bystander 2: Kastraliss

      Grinning, I reached into the weathered chest and held up a large sapphire as big as my face. I had never seen anything more in tune with nature: so wonderfully blue like the sea I was in, so large as to allow me to gaze upon it more, so light I nearly had to hold it down lest it, too, floated to the surface.

      After staring at it for several seconds, I heard a distant voice scream my name. I fought to keep the beautiful scenery from slipping away into the ghostlike abyss of my inner thoughts. The sapphire felt even lighter in my hands, and I grasped it tighter, trying to raise it above my head.

      "Cassie!" Oh, now I could really hear it. I wanted to retrieve the sapphire and head to the surface before anything else hap--

      The door burst open, and a bubbling journalist sporting long yellow locks flounced in. I groaned. It wasn't that I didn't like Kristy, but she had a tendency to bring chaos with her. Whether or not it was intentional, I didn't know.

      "Cassie!" She practically pounced on the overstuffed couch I was napping on. "What...?" I mumbled blearily. I was in no mood for shenanigans. Unfortunately, shenanigans was practically her middle name.

      "Nothing."

      "Are you serious?!" I straightened in the chair, slightly more awake with irritation. "Didn't Protector tell you I was sleeping? You really woke me up for 'nothing'?" I could not believe my friend. Apparently she really did like to torment me.

      "Oh, your Ogrin likes marshmallows. I gave him a few and he immediately told me where you were and to go see you. Anyways, it's not really nothing. I just wanted to talk to you about your article."

      I was even more awake now. "What about my article? Which one?" I was hoping she was talking about my interviews with the lesser-known queens and princesses across Neopia. That had been incredibly fun to write, especially with Protector by my side to carry me and well, protect me.

      "I actually have a bit of critique for you." Her voice became serious. Oh, great. I was strong enough to take constructive criticism most of the time, but my head was pounding, and I was still partially asleep. I was in no mood for this. If I refused her help, though, she might drag me on one of her famous misadventures, and I didn't want to do that again after helping her deliver Jhudora's earrings for her birthday.

     "What is it?" I asked, bracing myself.

      "Never, ever, ever tell your readers you're scared to interview someone." She thrust the article in my face, with the line circled in bright red marker.

      I stared at it, and it stared right back at me. I'd volunteer to get an interview with him to discover his precise evil motivations, but... I value my life. Eesh. The Weekly World journalist was just like an English teacher. "What can I do to fix that?" I asked her, already dreading the answer and sinking deeper into the chair.

      She laughed a very musical laugh, but I could have sworn it had a hint of evil in it. "Why, we interview Kastraliss! I'll lead, and you follow and take notes, and, hopefully, we can write our own articles about him. Sound good?" She practically batted her eyelashes to try and get me to agree.

      I valued my life, as I said in the article. I was not to be swayed once more! "Er, wait," I stalled. "How about we interview someone else?" I paused, thinking.

     "Like who?" Kristy raised an eyebrow.

      "I've got it!" I leaped up as though an idea had poked me right through the seat of the chair. "We should totally interview Taelia! I used to do quests for her when I was a little girl!" Thank Fyora. Taelia had indeed been a good friend of mine, even though I hadn't seen her for years. Surely she'd be safer to interview than Kastraliss!

      An unusually vexed look plastered itself on Kristy's face as she leaned dangerously close to my face, glowering at my suggestion.

      "No," she whispered menacingly.

      I shrank back even deeper so that all one could see were my legs and hands poking out of its plush surface. "Okay," I squeaked.

      "Good!" Kristy was back to her chipper self as though nothing had happened. "Let's go, then!" She paused and glanced at me. "Hey, Cass? Aren't you the expert here? Where exactly does Kastraliss live?"

      That was easy. I'd done my research thoroughly for my article. "He lives in the deepest part of the Bogshot Swamp," I replied.

      "Let's get moving, and, of course, I brought this to be safe." I had to stop my eyeballs from jumping out of my head. Kristy? Doing something to be safe? I was astounded and extremely curious. I stared without comment as she pulled out a tiny glass phial filled with a clear liquid. "Antidote, in case Kastraliss doesn't want to see us, but I doubt that will happen," she said dismissively with a wave of her hand. "After all, it's not like we're going to steal his black bogberries or anything."

      I sighed. There was no talking Kristy out of anything once she got excited enough for it. Yes, I'd tried secretly searching her for an off switch, but of course, there was never any to be found.

      "Protector," I called out, summoning my Ogrin. He bounded towards me on three legs, the fourth occupied by stuffing a marshmallow into his mouth. I frowned. "Now, Protector, not only are you going to spoil your dinner but you'll short-circuit if you eat so many."

      "I can't quite help it," he beeped, abashed. "She was very kind to me." I stole a glare at Kristy, who was struggling to keep herself from laughing.

      I shoved my tiny notebook and a bottle of water into my bag ruefully. "Let's just get this over with," I sighed, mounting Protector. Kristy followed, hugging me. Nine times out of ten I appreciated the tightest of hugs, but this... oh, never mind, I could deal with it. The Ogrin surged with electricity, far quieter than any Neopet-made motor ever could, and sprang off southward, away from the snowy mountains I'd known as a child, away from the safety of home.

      "Now do be careful, Protector," my voice was nearly lost to him in the winds almost as loud as the Techo Fanatic. "This place is filled with mud and traps. You've got to stay on high ground."

      "But what about you?" he purred. "Will you not short-circuit, yourself, if you step in the bog?" I stroked his neck. Kristy laughed into the wind, let go of me, and raised both her arms. I had to grab her by the hair to get her back on, something I regretted doing only a few seconds later. To my surprise, it didn't seem to faze her all that much.

     "Apart from that one time she nearly drowned, I don't think you'll have to worry about her!" she guffawed.

      I whirled around, my patience growing thinner than Bart's apple bobbing water. "I thought I told you never to speak of that again."

      The sky overhead turned a deep purple, and I hugged Protector's neck tighter. The landscape had changed to a mottled brown and green, and I wasn't sure when it had happened. "Stay close," I whispered, mostly for myself. I shivered. This wasn't the friendly cold that I'd known for years in Happy Valley. This was a cold that rang with pure evil and of ominous things to come.

      "Are you vibrating? Perhaps I can jump-start your circuitry," Protector beeped politely, energy crackling around his cheeks.

      I leaped off of the Ogrin immediately. "How many times do I have to tell you, Protector, that unless I'm in grave danger, I don't need to be jump-started! I'm organic."

      The Ogrin bowed his head as Kristy patted his neck and handed him another marshmallow. "I have a tendency to forget," he whispered, nuzzling the blonde journalist in thanks.

      "Oh, for..." I didn't get to finish. A low rumbling spread through the swamp and vibrated what little solid ground I had under my feet. I weighed the options: help Kristy interview the serpent I only had the guts to admire from afar, or risk electrocution by my own faithful pet.

      I decided right then and there I'd rather be zapped to a crisp.

      "Let's go back, it's just not safe here!" I pleaded, hopping onto Protector once more.

      "It's beautiful..." Kristy sighed and walked forward with absolutely no trouble. It was almost as if the moss was her old friend and worked with her to pile underneath her feet. "Just look at that drapery, and the flowers, and the little Bagguss patch over there..." She swooned and said Bagguss patch caught her gracefully.

      I nearly dodged a wicked-looking bog hole, falling in and getting covered in mud up to my thighs before relying on Protector to pull me out of there. "You've got to be kidding me." My Ogrin, bless him, shucked me out of the mud hole, but it made me stagger, sending me this way and that while I fought to regain my balance. Splat! I fell into another Bagguss patch, but the Bagguss burst beneath me.

      It was almost as if my weight had triggered a bomb whose stench would knock out even The Drenched in the Battledome. Tears pricked my eyelids as Protector helped me up. Kristy grabbed my other arm, but held her nose as she did so. Such a supportive girl she was.

      "Thanks," I mumbled, coughing from the foul air. My clothes were muddy, I felt lightheaded, Kristy was definitely lightheaded but that wasn't unusual, but we were all stable. We, unfortunately, could move on.

      After several minutes of moss-observing and near-electrocution, we reached a stone platform. My feet cheered, glad to be temporarily rid of fickle flooring. "I remember my research..." I recalled fondly of the books I'd read and games I'd played. "Sir Tormund made his way to Kastraliss on this very platform." I stared at nothing but my thoughts, practically watching the words come out of my mouth and enter my head again. "Sir Tormund himself!" I exclaimed, eyeing the ground for muddy footprints. There were none but ours, as I suspected. He had vanquished Kastraliss long ago, so logically, there was enough time for the great poison serpent to get his breath back--so to speak.

      "You're excited now, aren't you?" Kristy laughed at my bubbling enthusiasm for Sir Tormund's escapades.

     "Come on, now, who wouldn't be?" I retorted.

     Protector purred thoughtfully. "You have made mention of him to me once," he droned. "He was a most interesting knight, but had no robots on his team. That, I think, says something about the knight."

     I was stunned.

      "Come on, you two!" Kristy practically dragged us by the arm and leg to get us closer to my doom.

     "All right, we're coming," I sighed, taking one last look at the delightful solid ground. "Psst. Protector." The Ogrin leaned his ear my way. "You have every right to zap this wench anytime you see fit."

      He nodded. "I will do what I can to protect you." He beeped loudly. I struck my face with my palm. There had been a reason I'd whispered! Why did he have to be so dense?

      "Shhh." Kristy held a finger to her lips after we'd used several logs as a bridge. Protector and I bumped into her as she'd turned around, nearly making her fall into the filthy water. "Look there," she whispered in awe.

      There in front of me lay the most beautiful, the most purple, the most regal of all winged serpents: Kastraliss himself. So peaceful. Napping.

      I wanted to scream and run.

      "Kastraliss." I pushed my desire to leave aside and stepped into the water. Green algae floated on top of most of it, but I saw no other way to approach him. "We're not here for your berries. We just want to see you." I cursed my inept voice for not ceasing to shake. I couldn't believe I was doing this.

      The great serpent opened one red eye. "Hmm?" he murmured, shaking the water's surface. He raised his head from his stony bed and uncoiled himself, approaching my face with several fangs, his jaws opened wide enough to bite my head off.

      I squeaked. "You are so handsome up close!" I gasped more out of fear than out of genuine awe. He growled and stared at me. It didn't look like he was buying it.

      "Wait just a moment! We really do like you!" Kristy held up a notepad and paper. "We just want to talk to you so even more people can know about you!" Kastraliss tilted his head, bemused by the interruption. He hissed and reared up once more to snap at her. I knew everything he did to attack, so I knew he was going to lunge at her. Frankly, a disembodied Kristy would be better than one being slowly poisoned, but I wanted nobody's blood on my hands or on Protector's robot paws.

     "Look out!" I screamed, shoving her into a nearby rock bench.

      Kastraliss lunged.

     I covered my head with my arms, as though that would offer any sort of protection. I braced myself for inevitable death.

      I felt a gentle tug on my shirt, lifting me out of the water and into the sultry air. "What?" I gasped, opening my eyes again. Kastraliss had plucked me up and sat me right next to him! Frantically, I looked around. The water was too murky to properly gauge its depth. I could sink to my death and not even know it! There was no escaping him.

     "So, I have admirers, eh?" He turned away and huffed green poison clouds in quick succession. Was he laughing?

      "Yeah. I mean, I wrote the first article that ever had anything to do with you as far as I know."

      Kastraliss blinked his great red eyes. "You?" A thin film slid across his eyeballs and then back. "What did you write?"

      "Oh, I have it right here." Kristy rummaged in her bag and pulled out my article, the same article with irrefutable proof I was afraid of him! She held it up, grinning as if she'd just won her 200th Neopian Times trophy.

      Kastraliss squinted. "The print is quite small," he mused. He squinted more and leaned towards Kristy, who held the article up for him with inhuman patience.

     "Sorry. They're not really written for giant serpents, you know."

      Kastraliss nodded, a strange gesture: his head bobbed up and down at the end of his long scaly neck. "Understandable. But why is that line circled in red--" Kastraliss drew back as if ready to strike again.

      He reared up once more, and I feared the worst. I buried my face in my hands, too upset for Kristy's sake. I didn't know which was worse: the possibility of attacking Kristy or Protector, or his finding out why I'd been so reluctant to come here in the first place.

      Strange noises came from my captor. I raised my head to see Kastraliss exhaling and huffing and wheezing thick clouds of smoke wildly. The edges of his mouth were turned up! He was laughing! But he was laughing at me! I put my head back into my hands and tried to wait him out.

      A strange scent wafted through the air. It smelled of danger and rotten Bagguss. I coughed, but found it slightly more difficult to breathe than I did with the breath before it. I coughed again, fear creeping into my lungs.

      I looked over at Kristy. She was facing a laughing Kastraliss and was coughing much harder than I was. Furthermore, she was leaning on Protector! "Kristy, your phial!" I whispered, too constricted to scream.

      Kastraliss, having recovered, wiped a tear away from his eye with his tail. "That is just too funny." He sighed contentedly, the whole of his serpent body shaking with it.

      Kristy, with shaking hands, swallowed a drop of the liquid in the phial, and threw it to me with more strength than she looked like she had. "Catch it!" I did, by Fyora's grace. Without hesitating, I placed one drop on my tongue and immediately fought the urge to cool it with the filthy water surrounding me and Kastraliss. Why didn't Kristy know I didn't take kindly to anything spicy? Instantly, my breathing returned to normal, and so did Kristy's.

      "You two have made me happier than I've been in such a long time!" Kastraliss wiped another laughter-induced tear. "It's not my fault you can't stand my breath, you know; some would say it's downright... monstrous!" The serpent grinned, displaying every one of his fearsome fangs. I gulped, having had enough.

     "I think we've overstayed our welcome here so if you don't mind I think we really must be going thank you oh so very much for your time please have a nice day," I sputtered without thinking, my eyes racing around the hollow for a place to jump and make my escape.

      "If you must." Kastraliss said indifferently, but I could have sworn he was a little hurt by my reaction. Now I felt guilty.

     "We... we could come back someday," Protector tried to amend.

     "Oh, and who is this?" Kastraliss towered over me, looming closer to Protector. He tapped the metal armor with a fang. "Immune to poison." He seemed more amused than anything else.

      "It does get rather lonesome here. Do come back, and I'll answer whatever questions you have, so long as you don't bring anybody else. The black bogberries, you see, are that which I cultivate myself with love and tender care. He lifted a wing to reveal said berries growing in a tiny patch of pure grass, vibrant with color, devoid of any swamp material. "My breath is the secret."

      I thoughtfully stroked his purple hide, unaware that I was doing so. "So that's how you do it.... wait, what?!" I yanked my hand away as if it were burnt after I felt the hide vibrate. I hunched down, fearing another attack, but felt myself being lifted gently by my shirt once more. Kastraliss was pleased...? "You are very kind," I managed to squeak out.

     "As are you! Do come again. And now, if you will excuse me, it is time for a nap." The great serpent coiled himself tightly and put his head under his wing.

     Not caring about how much noise I made, I scrambled across the bog and beckoned Kristy and Protector, splashing and getting swamp water and mud all over myself.

      Kristy had to lean on Protector and had to slam her hand over her mouth just to keep from falling over with laughter. AGAIN. I cursed everything I knew from Beginner's Curses, knowing they did not work when uttered by non-magical beings.

      How I wished right then I was magical.

      Kastraliss opened one eye. "Please. I am trying to sleep." He closed it.

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      "I think that's the last of it," I growled, scrubbing the mud off of the clothes I was wearing before. Poldon, one of my Bori twins, bless him, was putting salve on the rashes that broke out where the water touched me.

      Which was everywhere.

      "Are you going to be okay?" he asked. I nodded so as not to worry him too much. Really, I was sure the burning and itching was going to last more than a month. I ruffled his fur to reassure him.

     "That was a glorious trip, wasn't it?" Kristy beamed. "Kastraliss seemed lonely, didn't you think? We should visit him again sometime! Start a real Kastraliss fan club! Oooh, we could even help him cultivate the berries!" An unnatural gleam appeared in her eyes. "Think of it, Cassie! We could be rich! He'd definitely give us a share of the profits we'd get from selling them!"

      I rose from my seated position, glowering, and loomed over her as Kastraliss would have.

      "No."

The End