Insult Sword Fighting in "The Ballad of Mirglepelago"

     Excitement is building after the recent announcement that The PJ Grundonn Company (NEODAQ:TPP) awarded AAA Game Studioz (@AAAgamestudioz) a license to remaster the OrangeShirt cult-classic point and click adventure game, "The Ballad of Mirglepelago", for modern computing hardware and upgraded technological advances. Not only will there be updated 4K graphics, but the game is planned to feature a full professional voice cast and an orchestral score performed by the Neopian Philharmonic.

     Of course, note that spoilers for the game follow.

     The Ballad of Mirglepelago (BoM) follows a young Vandagyre, Giacomo Van den Berg, in his quest to become a pirate. Enthusiasts may remember BoM as the first video game to feature timed cutscenes and music synchronized with action. Most Neopians who have played it should easily recall its brilliant storytelling, timeless laugh-out-loud comedy, and its cheerful anachronistic setting -- including varying pop-culture references and humorous absurdities such as a Neocola machine in Ye Olde Krawk Island (TM).

     One of the most iconic (and perhaps infamous) elements of the game is "insult sword fighting", during which Giacomo must "battle" other pirates and learn from them in preparation for his final battle with the Sword Master -- the elite treasure-hunter Hannah herself. The "battles", however, subvert common fighting conventions and feature exchanges of quips, barbs, taunts, and other forms of wordplay. As Admiral Snarkie says, "In a sword fight, it's not always about what you do that matters, but what you say."

     In BoM, you guide Giacomo as he challenges pirates, learns their insults, uses the insults against other pirates, and subsequently learns proper comebacks with which to eventually challenge and defeat Hannah, who has her own set of elite insults; thereafter, the Usul considers Giacomo worthy of further pirate training. While many find the insult sword fighting mechanic hilarious, some reviewers commented that it can drag the game's pacing, especially during replays. Thus, we present the insult/comeback pairs you can learn, in case you get stuck (or simply want to accelerate your future playthroughs).

     Below are the insults and comebacks you can learn. Everyone will know the first insult by virtue of training with Admiral Snarkie.

     1.

     Insult: You fight like a potato farmer.

     Comeback: How appropriate, you fight like a potato.

     2.

     Insult: When Neopets meet me, they run awaaaay!!!

     Comeback: That must be because of your smell. Go get some soap from the Grooming Parlour.

     3.

     Insult: I know you were Cap'n Threelegs's worst student.

     Comeback: Except, no one knows you at all!

     4.

     Insult: No one has ever stabbed me with their sword!

     Comeback: Wow, you must run faster than the Poogle Racers.

     5.

     Insult: I've been known to be mean with a sling.

     Comeback: Only when around slushies!

     6.

     Insult: I spend all day in the Battledome!

     Comeback: Well, someone has to keep Bob company.

     7.

     Insult: I have a sword and I'm not afraid to use it.

     Comeback: Likewise, I fear not what is unknown to me.

     8.

     Insult: You'll need the Healing Springs when I'm done with you!

     Comeback: Really? I don't need a Snowball that badly.

     9.

     Insult: I'm as charismatic as Hanso.

     Comeback: Yeah, made of stone.

     10.

     Insult: I bet your idea of fun is the Merry-Go-Round.

     Comeback: Hey, at least I was played with as a child.

     11.

     Insult: I have more trophies than you.

     Comeback: I'm not sure if being taxed 100x really counts.

     12.

     Insult: Amongst other pirates, you just don't stand out.

     Comeback: That's a testament to my skills at stealth.

     13.

     Insult: I'll bet you can't even trash-talk me.

     Comeback: You should train more and spend less time at the Rubbish Dump.

     14.

     Insult: Paint yourself invisible so I don't have to look at your ugly face.

     Comeback: Unfortunately, you won't get me to disappear that easily.

     15.

     Insult: When I'm through with you, you'll be asleep with the Underwater Fishes.

     Comeback: Are your sword skills really that boring?

     16.

     Insult: I once battled five pirates at once, and WON.

     Comeback: Let me guess -- you got ONE out of five?

     Here are the elite insults the Sword Master and Ultimate Insulter, Hannah, can toss at you. We will leave matching the appropriate comeback as an exercise for the reader (we won't give everything away!), but an answer key is provided at the end of the article in case you get stuck.

     A: You just wait, I'm gonna get all EXTREME on ya'!

     B: I personally know Dr. Sloth.

     C: Even the Lab Ray doesn't phase me.

     D: I have the ferocity of Gooblah the Grarrl!

     E: I once stole from the Snowager 10 times in one day!

     F: I've seen piles of dung bigger than you.

     G: Your combative form resembles a broken toy.

     H: My famous combat skills were reviewed and rated in a Neopian Times article.

     I: I know as much as King Hagan himself!

     J: Even the Monoceraptor wouldn't find you appetizing.

     K: I don't need to cheat to best you.

     L: I wouldn't be caught dead with combat skills as poor as yours.

     M: My NeoHome is decorated with the fanciest furniture.

     N: I see Neopets like you passed out on the floor of the Golden Dubloon.

     O: I can read you like an open book.

     P: No one can read my next move.

     Whether you've played BoM a dozen times before or the remaster will be your maiden voyage into this piratey tale, we're sure you'll enjoy interacting with BoM's eclectic cast of characters and immersing yourself in the game's highly engrossing world. At least, after this guide, the insult sword fighting stage should be a breeze for you!

     Keep reading NTGN (@NTGN) for all your Games Room news, including walkthroughs, help guides, and updates on the release date of the BoM remaster.

      Answer key to which comebacks match which Sword Master insults:

     A: 1, B: 11 or 3, C: 7, D: 5, E: 8, F: 13, G: 10, H: 16, I: 3, J: 12, K: 6, L: 4, M: 9, N: 2, O: 14, P: 15

     (Permission granted by Flufflepuff to reference her series, "The Swashbuckling Ballad of a Vandagyre". Check it out in the Series section!)