Keep Up with Kalora the Kau

     Firstly, I’ve got a quick question for you: do you ever feel cast out? Like you’re missing out on something and you don’t have time/opportunity to stay in touch with everything that’s happening in Neopia right now?? Well, your problems are now over, my darling. I present to you KEEP UP WITH KALORA THE KAU – my very own article with the biggest, the juiciest and the hottest gossip from Neopia’s most famous personalities. What are they doing? What do they wear? Who are they fighting with? Your girl will spill all of the tea.

     For my first issue, I’m going to talk about a group of eight well-known characters from Central Neopia. When they come to play, they’re not playing at all. They make everything that’s both possible and impossible to win. Yes, I’m referring to my fellow Cheat! players that I love and care – well maybe not all of them… –, or as I nickname them, The Cheaters.

     Now keep up with me:

      1. Who Are You? - Agent 00 Hog

     This figure is truly a mystery. He’s an agent, after all. Getting his personal life secrets is not as easy as the peasy. I don’t know from where he’s got his – seriously marvellous – custom-made tuxedo nor do I know for whom he works for. But I might have something on this subject. A little birdie told me that Mr. Hog was recently spotted walking by The Neopian Plaza leaving the Defenders of Neopia Headquarters. It can be a coincidence BUT may I remind you that the leader of the DoN is Judge Hog, which IS a Moehog. Coincidence? I don’t think so… my guess is they are brothers! One has powers and the other one is the master of the disguise!! Well, I guess I need to put my own spies to know any further… let’s proceed!

      2. Where’s the Money? - Branston

     The disco diva-wannabe Branston the Eyrie is part of a big confusion involving the band Chomby and the Fungus Balls. The tea is that the band’s vocalist said Branston hosted a 2-days party at his house and hired them to play for one million Neopoints. After the party, which was a success, the Chomby said it was deposited only five hundred thousand Neopoints in his bank account, half of what it was stipulated. Branston of course says to the press it’s nothing but a misunderstanding and that the payment will be made, eventually. What do you think about that? – What a shame! – NEXT…

      3. All About the Mon-Ice - Brucey B

     Neopia’s billionaire, Brucey Xander Baker, famously known as Brucey B, is about to launch Nice Spice, another ice rink to compete against Terror Mountain’s Happy Valley one. It’s going to be located inside the Ice Caves’ Ice Arena – Nice, right? Ha-ha. It’s not known how much the Bruce spent to make it but rumour has it the investment was around 80 million of Neopoints. Brucey said that the rink will be complete with bathrooms, restaurants and a cool lounge. Also, there will be skate teachers for the ones who want to learn how to ice skate. The open house will be next week, but he’s making a soft opening with a few celebrities and rich Neopians – you know I was called, of course – to see a presentation of The Skating Bruce and himself! My contacts said the entry price will be 20 Neopoints per hour (food and drink not included). Brucey is doing everything he can to enlist his ice rink to be the new host of the Annual Happy Valley Skating Competition next year.

      4. The Influence of Inflation - Capara

     The elusive Capara the Kyrii is apparently looking for a job. After quitting her primary job as the shopkeeper of the Grooming Parlour to live as an influencer, it looks like her gains as a celebrity – let’s face it, sub-celebrity – is not paying the rent. The last time she was spotted it was putting her resumé to work as Neolodge’s concierge claiming “I am bored, I just wanted a different type of work” to the press. I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re the face of Cheat! trophies in the end – L.O.L. no shade, girl. Keep Up with Kalora the Kau team wishes the best of luck for Capara and her new “hobby”!

      5. C&C Forever - Chuffer Bob

     Oh, Bobby! This Chuffer Meerca is always eating, as you may know. To be honest, I think I’ve spotted him swallowing once or twice a card to win a game of Cheat! … but let’s talk about his life. Did you know that he was going to participate in the past competition of the Spooky Food Eating Contest (Y15)? After an intense day of training, eating lots and lots of pies at Crumpetmonger’s shop he started feeling ill and with symptoms of Bloaty Belly, Floppy Tongue and Blurred Vision. His participation was then cancelled because of that. Preoccupied with her friend, Crumpetmonger started to think that maybe her pies had poisoned him. After a lot of experiments, she realized the problem: Chuffer Bob developed a gluten allergy. That’s why you can now buy gluten-free pies at Crumpetmonger’s shop from now on. This episode made them inseparable and very close; they are soooo cute!! – I’m still waiting for my time, Coltzan.

      6. Drummer Drama - Little Timmy

     The young adult drummer was spotted with Sticks N Stones’ vocalist Axle Roo at the Music Shop – probably because Axle keeps breaking the microphone in his shows. They seem very happy together. Timmy is playing less cards and Cheat! to invest in his career as a musician. There’s a rumour that Sticks N Stones next single will be a featuring with him. Also, more tea: Allegedly, the band's current drummer, Grizley, is about to leave the band and if you connect the dots, everything indicates that Little Timmy will be Sticks N Stones new drummer. But of course, that’s just a rumour…

     7. Loves Me Not - Princess Fernypoo

     The spoiled princess is paying a fine of 100 million of Neopoints to the Petpet Protection League because she left her Puppyblew Muffy in the Petpet shop for 1 day. She said to the press that she had to attend to a conference inside King Hagan’s castle and got confused with time because of her appointments. My contacts have a different story. A figure close to Fernypoo was spotted taking a bath at Mystery Island’s beach party with her friends. The figure was wearing a tiara, how interesting, uh!? Also, if she tells you I’ve tried to steal her tiara, GET OVER IT. IT WASN’T ME. I would never want that marve- horrid thing. Now let’s move on to the last one…

      8. Gambler Minion - Spectre

     Ugh, you know I despise Fernypoo, but she’s not a Sloth minion at least. I can’t say the same for Spectre and there is nothing I loathe more than a Sloth minion. How do you follow a crazy narcissistic leader? Well… to the tea. Even after being a suspect of stealing Brucey’s Lucky Coin for Sloth, he’s often seen playing – what an irony – Brucey B. Slots. The thing is he is always winning. HOW?? He keeps making bets with other Neopians and winning!! This despicable jetsam is good at gambling I have to say. Or maybe… Well, enough about him...

      And that’s it for today, folks! I hope you liked my first-ever article and if you don’t, it doesn’t really matter, I’m still rich and still getting paid. Actually, I’m just about to travel to Shenkuu. *kiss smiley*

     This issue was brought to you by Faerie Clothing Ltd. (FAER) - enchanting outerwear for all occasions. Girl, they are the ones who made my famous pink polka-dotted jumpsuit.

      No shade, just tea. See you next issue! Kisses & Kisses, Kalora the Kau.