A Sloth Fan's Rating of Neopia's Villainy

     While we intend to cover a variety of interesting topics – Doctor Sloth’s spaceships, Doctor Sloth’s minions, Doctor Sloth’s charisma, Doctor Sloth’s skincare routine, to name a few - we here at the Almost Official Sloth Fan Committee have decided to address the overall topic of Evilness in honour of this Sloth Appreciation Month. How could a single day be enough, after all?

     Groom your furs, fasten your spaceship seatbelts, and get ready for a ranking of Neopia’s most terrifying beings as we assign them a grade based on a truly unbiased revolutionary system that will leave nothing to be desired.

     A fair disclaimer: many of these entries could leave you, dear readers, unable to sleep as you find yourselves shaking in sheer admiration and adoration. Without further ado, let’s get started!

     The Pant Devil

     While my Aunt Susan certainly has a hoarding problem, considering her ever-growing collection of garden chairs, I hardly would call her scary. Our first focus suffers a similar fate. I don’t care how many so-called Pant Devils there are or how many times they happen to steal my homework right before the due date: stealing simply isn’t scary. Boohoo, the Pant Devil stole my last slice of Lemon Swirl Usul Cake, big whoop! Plus his brother is just around the corner handing everything back out again. Boring, I say! I'll award some points for creativity as those horns and eyes look really nasty, but I, unfortunately, must settle on a low score to kick off our list.

     2/10

     The Spider Grundo

     Have you ever been scared by a Spyder? I know I have! While its lack of loyalty to Doctor Sloth is assuredly deplorable, this friend's “scariness” factor is greatly enhanced by the Grundo’s relationship with Sloth himself. Not only is it a Grundo; but it has many arms, red eyes, and lives in the Haunted Woods - which are already very scary! While its escape from Space boggles the mind – who would want to leave Space? We’re fortunately not here to judge life decisions. Being created by the Great Doctor brings the Spider Grundo up a couple of points and justifies the score I have provided.

     7/10

     Doctor Frank Sloth

     Oh. My. Sloth. What can you even say here? When he’s not busy being an absolute menace at Gormball, this genius is busy planning his next plan for Neopian domination. He created his own Space Station for Sloth’s sake! Do you have a Space Station? Do you even have a spaceship? Have you ever even been to space? That’s right my friend, Hubrid Nox would never! If it wasn’t for that pesky Bruce or the Space Faerie, maybe we could all now join his hordes of Grundos and enter voluntary employment under his greatness! Maybe I would even be able to quit school! What more can I even say? Is it the eyes? The face? The yellowing smile? What. A. Star. 10/10 isn't going far enough!

     20/10

     The Jelly Chia

     Um, excuse me? What are we even doing here? Have you ever been eating your afternoon snack and thought to yourself “Man, that is very scary!”? Me neither. At least the Pant Devil isn’t edible! If you told me this thing came from Jelly World, firstly, I wouldn’t believe you and I would tell you to stop making up places. Secondly, I’d at least say that’s a little spooky. But food isn’t spooky, and neither is this fellow.

     1/10

     Commander Garoo

     Wow. Just wow. Those eyes. That nose. That armour. The ruthless attitude. What a guy. What a villain. This guy just screams “cool”. The pen is mightier than the sword, you say. Well, forget a sword - which he has as well – and try to block his entire battle axe with your silly little pen. Or you know what? Forget the battle axe. All this Commander needs is a fork to put an end to any tricks you might cook up. This is loyalty. This is swagger. This is what true villains are made of. Take notes, Gallery of Evil!

     9/10

     Hubrid Nox

     Ugh. What is it with these cheap villains and being blue? Contrary to what some would have you believe, this guy holds no candle to our good Doctor. First, if you want to conquer the world, try, I don’t know… being alive? Yeah ok, rising as a ghost is nice and all, but the world isn’t going to conquer itself. You’re going to conquer the world with an army of Zombie Techos? By cosplaying as a Cybunny? Who are we even kidding here? Where are the spaceships? Where are the missiles? And that moustache? A Rusty Hubrid Nox Clone robot just wouldn't work. I’m sorry to all his fans, and to all our readers for even having to humour this farce. Try again later, Nox.

     0/10

     Xandra

     Now we’re talking. You know what most of the failed villains need to rank higher? Results. Well, the results she got! Bringing down all of Faerieland? Wow! Points for style! Framing Hubrid Nox, tricking everyone, and putting an end to him? My Sloth, that's a plan if I ever heard one! However, you must admit turning into a statue is a little lacklustre of an ending. She also has no relationship with Doctor Sloth, or rockets, or space. I can’t be too harsh though – the Almost Official Sloth Fan Committee Newsletter prides itself in its purely objective journalism, after all.

     5/10

     Jhudora

     Sure, she might look a little mean, but mostly she just has a bad attitude. You know who else has a bad attitude? My big sister! She doesn’t even believe me when I pretend that I’m not the one who broke her favourite hairbrush trying to clean up my science project! Now that’s quite scary! Jhudora though? Is she even a villain anymore? Running the annual Faerie Festival with her… well with Illusen of all faeries! Frankly, we at this publication don’t rate that as an act of evil at all. Call yourself a Dark Faerie? She can't hold a candle to our Dr Frank!

     Unrated

     Doctor Frank Sloth

     That’s right, he’s back. Whether in this article or in Neopia, he’ll always be back. You all think a PhD in horribleness is earned by just twiddling your paws? No. Way. He and his armada are never far away. His next plan will be even more nefarious than the last! Fyora isn’t ready. I’m not ready. None of us are ready! When the time comes, just let it be known: the Almost Official Sloth Fan Committee Newsletter will be the first to welcome our new overlord. Our last grade was unfair, let me adjust it now.

     Infinity/10

     Now for some honourable mentions. Vira, for one, I’ve heard rumours that she could have something to do with all the Grey being spread around. We’ll have to withhold judgment until things are confirmed though; this is serious journalism, after all. Lord Kass also scores quite a high score on the style scale, but this unfortunately isn’t a fashion contest. That being said, this is all we have for this very first issue.

     We will be back soon this Sloth Appreciation Month with more stunning journalism. Including such features as:

     An Ode to Sloth, poetry and songs featuring our favourite Frank.

     How to build your own Dr. Sloth Gift Basket with Listening Device.

     Which is better, Plain or Wheaty Sloth Day Burger? Taste Test Special Edition.

     We look forward to your continued readership. This was SlothFan127, signing off.

     -*- This message is not approved by the official Sloth Fan Committee -*-