Discoveries of Professor P. Shaw: The Meepit

Yes, the Meepit. For how many years has Neopia sat in fear, waiting for the day the Meepits would finally strike and reveal their evil plan to take over? How many articles have been written, stories told, pages and pages and pages of the Neopian Times taken over just to inform the community of this so called threat? If the Meepits are taking over anything, then it is not Neopia, but the hearts and minds and souls of the pets in it. And anyway, they had nothing to do with that – we created the scare of the Meepits by ourselves.

And so, that brings the semi-famed Professor P. Shaw here today, to explain his latest discovery, and, of course, show us that Meepits are quite far from the heart of evil. A round of applause, please?

Oh, wait. Never mind. The great professor’s secretary has informed me that, unfortunately, Professor P. Shaw is sick with a bad case of the Neezles, and will be unable to come today. But, that doesn’t mean this is over!

So. The Meepit. The first great discovery, as the professor likes to call them, is the fact that Meepits are not a threat. That isn’t to say they aren’t evil – not yet, at any rate. No, this is merely to state that the Meepits are either the unfortunate scapegoats of some other big time baddie, or dumb enough as to allow news of their plan to leak all over Neopia. If they were scapegoats, then the whole idea of the ‘Meepit Threat’ is pointless, because, well, they weren’t the ones creating the ‘Take-over-the-world’ plans. And even if they were, and if they were dumb enough to allow it to leak out… well. A dumb criminal mastermind is not a mastermind, because he, she, or it is dumb. The Meepits have no intention of hurting anyone, or anything – or, at least, they aren’t capable of it.

“So what about the game Meepit Vs. Feepit?”

Ah, yes, a very good point. This was one of the few arguments against Professor P. Shaw’s last great set of discoveries. Again, we shall state that this is but one Feepit, and no more than five Meepits. They could have easily gotten into a feud. But, while this point still remains the attention of our audience, let’s broaden it into Meepit related games in general. Not only do they appear in the aforementioned Meepit Vs. Feepit, but also in Meepit Juice Break and Snowball Fight. They’ve so willingly volunteered to get beaten up, or eat rotten apple cores, or get whacked in the face by a flying snowball. They provide us with entertainment, and, what’s more, neopoints.

Professor P. Shaw had found this out shortly after stumbling through the door marked ‘Do Not Enter’ in the game of Snowball Fight. There he found a large group of Meepits, handing out neopoints to those happy gamers of Neopia. But, why? As I’m sure many of you have figured out by now, this can only mean the Meepits are not selfish. Petpets like that, they could have easily found ways to create games much better for their health, if the giving out of neopoints was a crucial part in their plan, if this plan even exists.

Of course, this was a large group of Meepits, not just one or two. They have banded together to provide the poor (and a few of the rich) of Neopia with money. And Meepits have been shown, for the most part, to live in colonies. Of course, all of us assumed this was merely a temporary sort of alliance, while the Meepits bonded against the current enemy of the time. But, when Professor P. Shaw did some further investigation, interviewing every Meepit he could understand, he found that these colonies are, in fact, about as the old as the stone of Tyrannia itself, and hadn’t changed a whit. And the Meepit colonies were the oldest sightings of large petpet gatherings in Neopia. So, they couldn’t have been together as a protection from some unknown enemy – it simply doesn’t make chronological sense! And, if it were several different adversaries, then, surely, over time the Meepit colony structure would have changed to better fight off these several at once.

And, of course, since the structure of Meepit colonies has lasted for such a long time without any recorded scuffles, one must assume that the Meepits are a group of largely peaceful and well-organized petpets. And they’re also cute and pink – a must for any fan of hugging fuzzy creatures.

Their abnormal coloring makes Meepits stick out like a sore thumb. Of course, in the Haunted Woods, such flamboyant brightness would do only one thing: scare folks off. And, of course, that only shows that the Meepits are unwilling to participate in violence. How could these be the ones to take over our world? Oh, yes, and it does prove the Meepit’s diet is not carnivorous, as any possible Meepit prey would have been scared off.

And they have flat teeth.

Yes, we all know what I mean. Those adorable little buck teeth that stick out from a Meepit’s mouth – yeah. Those in our number who have studied petpet anatomy, surely, they would be able to tell us what this must mean.

“The, uh, flat teeth of a Meepit can only suggest that he is a plant eater. Or, at the very least, not a meat eater. Which is pretty much the same thing. It’s hard to bite and tear things when you have teeth like that. And knowing the Haunted Woods, you need to bite and tear to get anything. If they’d had to live on meat alone, the Meepits would have died out a long, long time ago.”

Thank you, for that enlightening bit of information. Quite clearly, yes, the Meepits are not fierce predators at all. They must be gentle – or, at least, as close to gentle as a petpet can get in the world of the Haunted Woods.

So, all in all? We have slashed the logic behind the ‘Meepit Threat’, proved them to be non-selfish creatures willing to give out money to Neopians, shown that they are a peaceful, gentle, and extremely well organized species, and – yes, that’s right, we’ve figured that they can’t possibly be carnivorous. With all this, the Meepits are well on their way to getting onto the list the Neopia’s top ten improvers of daily life for the rest of Neopia!

And so, we must wrap up this little lecturey meeting thing. Just remember: Meepits are good, and verrucas are chewy.