A Sloth Fan's Guided Tour of the Space Station

     It all started last weekend at the Games Arcade when I was playing Advert Attack and one advert that kept blocking my way was asking me to set my home page to virtupets.com. Well, that was fairly effective subliminal advertising for me, you see, as although I’m potentially Sloth’s biggest fan in all of Neopia Central, I have been so busy with my newsletter (and homework Mum, I’m not forgetting that) that I hadn’t actually visited this aforementioned web page in a while. Clicking onto it that afternoon I was immediately caught by yet another advert. Oh dear Sloth! You and your minions sure know how to win us over.

     It read: Day trip to the Virtupets Space Station, only 500 Neopoints! Trips include shuttle from one of 6 key locations around Neopia, a guided tour, a complimentary meal at the Grundos Cafe, leisure time in the Recreation Deck, and of course the Gift Shop. I checked my Greedy Kadoatie Piggy Bank and even after depleting my funds somewhat to purchase those Sloth Day Burgers the other week, I did still have enough left over to fund this week’s riveting content exploration. That’s right, fine readers, your beloved SlothFan127 has just returned from a visit to Virtupets. Can you believe it?

     (Okay, so technically it was yesterday, it was such a long day I couldn’t stay up to type this last night, and who can blame me, I need my beauty sleep too.)

     Thankfully, one of the shuttle sites was right down the road in Neopia Central and there wasn’t even a very big crowd around it, in fact there were only two other Neopians and one of them was just an Elderly Ogrin who was really actually looking for a public bathroom. That left me and an Orange Blumaroo waiting to board the shuttle. The organiser stepped out of the shuttle and greeted us very warmly, though they had those little wrinkles all up the side of their face like they’d just woken up from a nap. As my Mum always says, sleep is a virtue, especially when the one sleeping is responsible for flying you into space in a rickety looking rocket.

     The inside of the shuttle was everything you could have dreamed of, give or take a couple dozen things. Yes, the seats were very uncomfortable and the seat belts were apparently “Under Construction”. Yes, the reactors sounded like a wailing Baabaa. But do you think Dr Sloth would have been taken aback by this? Would he have turned around?

     Well, technically there were also big red letters on the inside wall saying “REJECTED - DO NOT FLY” and this would perhaps indicate that he very well might have avoided this particular shuttle, but bear with me. I went along with it, hoping that this was just part of the scene setting rather than a dire warning.

     Once we were up in the air the whole thing started shaking like we were inside a washing machine and both of us passengers eventually passed out. Perhaps because the cabin pressure was inadequately maintained, perhaps there was a gas used for this exact purpose, perhaps we were hypnotised to sleep by the odd music that was piped into the vessel. Whatever the reason, it made for a surprisingly comfortable flying experience and we arrived at the Space Station in no time at all.

     All of my apprehensions vanished when I finally rolled out of the cabin and onto the landing docks. It was everything I ever dreamt of and more. I stood in awe, taking in the sight of all the other shuttles and spaceships lined up in the hangar, the grandiose scale of it all, the technology, the subtle non-fragrance of space. I walked slowly, marveling at every tiny aspect, wondering if the great Doctor himself might have taken these very same steps, scheming, giving out orders to his loyal army, swishing his cape.

     Unfortunately, the originally planned guided tour (that I paid my hard earned Neopoints for!) didn’t actually happen. Our original tour organiser and pilot was escorted away by armed Grundos, just as they were about to lead us down the first corridor towards the Recreation Deck! Seemingly immediately, however, a Marble Mynci clad in Virtupets uniform and looking extremely intimidating then came up to us to ask us questions. I explained that we were here for a tour, a meal, and souvenirs - showing my ticket to them to back up my diatribe - to which they replied that as long as we didn’t talk about this to anybody, that would be fine and they’d honour my ticket. Thankfully, I am a writer, not a talker so I’m sure this will be a-okay with them. Won’t it?

     It was still just me and the Blumaroo on our so-called tour. To hedge my bets I won’t go into too much more detail other than to report that we had an enjoyable time playing Slat-A-Sloth on the Recreation Deck. We were shown some of the shiny plaques that honour those who fell during some of Sloth’s most violent initiatives. And I finally got to taste the much hyped up Roast Gargapple in the Grundo’s Cafe, and I agree with all that has been said before, 5 stars to the Chef!

     We were provided with only a little commentary about the actual station itself, our guide seemed to have the utmost respect for the history of the Space Station and relayed a lot of historic information of events that have gone before. But they seemed to be sticking to a pre-prepared script and were not willing to answer any of my astute journalistic questions or take us anywhere that wasn’t specifically listed on our ticket stubs. Which has left me extremely intrigued as to what is happening behind the scenes right now, beyond the scope that my tourism jaunt allowed me to see.

     We finished our tour with a trip to the Gift Shop - a delightful place with maybe a few too many fluffy Evil Fuzzles to purchase. I, personally, selected myself as a delightful Dr. Sloth Bobble Head, though it was quite difficult to decide. Plus, I didn’t have much time to browse every option as our so-called Tour Guide was looming over me and checking the time at regular intervals.

     Thankfully, they did arrange a suitable alternative shuttle for us to return to the firm ground of Neopia Central. This time I was able to maintain consciousness for the whole ride and strike up a conversation with my fellow tourist. Turns out that his Mum’s Cousin’s Step Kid’s Great Great Uncle is no other than Commander Garoo himself!! Can you believe it!? He said that there’s a small chance that he’ll be able to get in contact with him so that I can talk to him and maybe conduct an interview for this newsletter in the future. Wouldn’t that just be just the best?

     That’s about it from your favourite Neopia Central Almost Official Sloth Fan Committee Newsletter this week. This was, once again, SlothFan127, signing off.