Gifts for Your Enemies: Ranked and Rated

     dancerchickemily’s favourite gifts for her enemies:

     7. Slightly Nibbled Holiday Socks

     Meepits may prefer chewing on wires, but they’ll wreck a pair of socks every once in a while, too. Make your Neofoe’s day mildly inconvenient with these holey socks. 5/10

     6. Reused Gift Box

     Sending an item that’s clearly already been used is a great way to show them how much you don’t care. 5/10

     5. Angry Meepit Eyes

     Let your Neofoe know how you really feel about them with this expressive wearable! 6/10

     4. Stack of Tax Return Forms

     As the Month of Eating nears, nobody wants to be reminded of the Tax Beast’s potential visit. 6/10

     3. Deceptive Gift Basket

     Let your Neofoe know they stink. Literally. This gift basket is full of fruit-shaped soap! 7/10

     2. Something Already Happened Cake Plate

     The cake is a lie. There’s nothing more disappointing than receiving a plate without the cake. 9/10

     1. Definitely not an Exploding Present

     Imagine the look on your Neofoe’s face when they receive this deceptive gift that looks perfectly normal … until they open it up! 10/10

     surging’s favourite gifts for her enemies:

     7. Lump of Flaming Coal

     Giving someone coal already means they were bad or you otherwise don’t like them. Kicking it up a notch by setting it on fire first really lets them know your true feelings and, hopefully, cause a little destruction. 6/10

     6. Clown Balloon

     At first this seems cute — who doesn’t like balloons or clowns? But the true magic of this anti-gift is the fact they will slowly come to the realization you are calling them a clown full of hot air. Ouch. 7/10

     5. Smelly Sock

     Many already hate getting socks as a gift, but to really take it to the next level, make sure to get them good and stinky beforehand. Wear them and go for a nice jog. This gift is a nice blend of disappointment and disgust to ensure there will be no confusion on how you feel. 7/10

     4. Frying Pan

     This one is more about the delivery than the gift itself. A frying pan may be useful since we all need to cook and eat; you need to make it not useful. How? Whack them upside the head with it. So, really, the gift is for you. 8/10

     3. Geraptiku Fly Trap Bouquet

     A normal bouquet is always nice, but a fly trap is aggressive. Make them question everything they know about safety when their plant tries to bite at them. 9/10

     2. Haunted Snowglobe

     Snowglobes are perfectly fine gifts on their own, but the fun thing about this one is that it is haunted. Your enemy will have no idea what sort of tragedy has befallen them; the only thing they will notice is a string of bad luck — or worse. Truly a gift that keeps on giving. 9/10

     1. Crumpled Gift Wrap

     The best part about this, to me, is that it highlights the fact that you couldn’t even be bothered to produce an empty box or bag. You seemingly opened a present from someone who likes you (and, I assume, you like them) and then handed your enemy the trash as their own gift. This really lets them know they are not only less than an afterthought, but that you actually have friends (unlike your Neofoe, who only has enemies). 10/10

     noileh’s favourite gifts for her enemies:

     7. Dubloon Disaster Mine

     This one has the potential to be a little too evil — after all, it might literally explode in your foe’s face. I’m not sure if this is water activated, so you should probably save it for your non-aquatic enemies. There’s also the chance they may simply be delighted to have a new wearable, and you accidentally become friends. 5/10

     6. Old Lenny Dentures

     Picture this: it’s the first Saturday of the month, aka Rubbish Dump Day, and all you want is that elusive bottled Faerie and an avatar. Yet, all you managed to pick up is a set of dirty, old dentures. Don’t forget your 3 R’s — reuse those bad boys! It is, of course, the most eco-friendly option. 5/10

     5. Gnawed Gingerbread Grundo Ornament

     Struggling with what to do with your homemade ornament after your Noil swatted it off the tree? And worse, a Miamouse took a bite out of it? Consider adding a bow and sending it to a foe! 6/10

     4. Wilted Flowers Bouquet

     After you’ve finished laying fresh flowers at Dead Chia’s memorial, the respectful thing to do would be to remove the wilted ones. Could you compost them? Surely Meri-Acres Farm will take them. But, on the other hand, it would make a mighty nice re-gift. Dead flowers from Dead Chia’s hands? If you’re lucky, they’ll come with a bonus haunting! 6/10

     3. Snot-Dripping Mistletoe

     You’re under the mistletoe, watching the fire glow, when all of a sudden you feel a cold, slimy drip on your shoulder. Looks like Meuka might have gotten here first … does anyone remember who invited him? Nevertheless, unless you’re willing to follow through with that commitment, you better swap this out for some fresh mistletoe stat. Perhaps you set this one aside in a lovely box marked For My Frenemy. 7/10

     2. Empty Mint Box

     Nobody wants to be told their breath stinks. Now, you can not only tell your enemies, but also refuse to give them a way to fix it! This one gets bonus points for being extra diabolical. 8/10

     1. Regurgitated Gift

     Have you ever had the perfect present for a friend, wrapped up and tied with a bow, and then you accidentally click "Feed to…" instead of "Give to Neofriend"? No? Just me? Well, good news! If your Skeith, Grarrl, or Jetsam is kind enough to erhm … return their unintended snack, it’s still giftable! Just to a different demographic now. 10/10

     Honorable mentions

     While these gaffes err … gifts didn’t make the final cut, we each have one last gift to spotlight — perhaps for that acquaintance you’re still iffy about.

     Deceptive Greeting Card - dancerchickemily

     This card would be an excellent gift for a Neofoe, but having a face full of pie doesn’t sound too bad to me. I give it points for its deceptiveness, though. 4/10

     Melting Ice Cube - surging

     An ice cube is actually useful, which is why this only gets an honorable mention. However, this one, like many ice cubes before it, is melting. With each passing minute it becomes generally less useful and therefore more frustrating. Eventually it will be a messy puddle, a ruiner of a tasty beverage, or if you are unlucky just more water (but lukewarm!), so it may or may not work out completely in your favor in the end. 4/10

     Lump of Coal - noileh

     A tried and true gift! Why fix what isn’t broken? Not only is it cheap, but it’s a universally understood symbol of being on someone’s personal naughty list. You won’t even need to attach a card! 5/10

     And that concludes our rankings of the best Gifts for your Enemies. We hope your Neofriends and foes alike enjoy their gifts! But you might want to keep your inventory and Neomail inbox full … just in case.