3 Ways to Become Distinguished Enough for Kelp

NEW MARAQUA - Though many have been simply dying to get into the five star restaurant of many proportions, others have given up by the sixteenth day, thank you very much. But if you're still longing for some of that exotic Maraquan cuisine, then this article will help you become a distinguished patron - distinguished enough to mosey on into Kelp without any kind of reservation.

Before you begin to indulge in testing out the theories in this article, please make sure you have at least one hundred neopoints to spend, and it also helps to be affiliated in some way to an evil Meepit, which should be easy, for all Meepits are evil in their own way.

STEP NUMBER ONE: Getting to Know Important Neopian Figures

NOTE: When attempting this step, it may require the evil Meepit we discussed in an above section.

This step is probably the easiest step in the three steps needed to become distinguished enough for that five-star restaurant, Kelp. All you have to do is meet the most important idols in all of Neopia, so it's not that hard.

Okay, I lied. This is one of the hardest steps in the whole three steps. I wanted to boost your confidence.

To make this step a bit easier, meet some minor idols in Neopia first, such as Turmaculus, Jimmi and Woogy, or that Quiggle from Flycatcher (whatever his name may be). Here is an example of what to ask them and how they may reply:

A Conversation With Turmaculus

YOU: So, how do Petpets taste?

TURMACULAS: Gruuuunt.

Y: I see. Very deep. Do you ever have dreams while you sleep?

T: Gruuuuunt.

Y: Ah, yes. What are you thinking about right now?

T: GRUUUUUNT!

Y: But I'm not a Petpet! You can't eat me!

T: Gruuuunt.

Y: It DOES matter!

T: Gruuuunt.

Y: Um, I think I'll end this conversation... yeah.

END Conversation With Turmaculas.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't the BEST example for a chat with an Important Neopian figure. But you get the picture.

After meeting minor figure, you have earned bragging rights, which comes in handy when trying to meet REAL Neopian idols (no offense, Turmaculus... no really! I'm SORRYYYYY!). You can easily find people affiliated in some way to important figures in expensive, fancy spots (usually Kelp, but of course, how would you get in?). A good place would be in the Faerieland book shop or at the Poogle Races. Why, you could find Hannah's agent there (not saying I did or anything)! By simply pretending to talk near the important figure to someone about meeting these minor pets, they might react by saying, "I remember meeting ____!" or "Very nice, that ____," thus forcing you to strike up a conversation about him/her and then that person will tell you that they are ____'s affiliation. Act surprised and then set up a time to talk and you'll be on your way.

Of course, if they fail to oblige, there's always that evil Meepit you tucked in the steel box in your duffle bag that you carry everywhere.

Thus ends step one.

STEP NUMBER TWO: Distinguished Dressing

NOTE: One hundred Neopoints may be required for this step.

No confidence-booster this time, this is THE easiest step out of the whole three steps. Distinguished dressing makes you LOOK the part of the distinguished billionaire of a thousand Petpets and a full inventory stocked with the rarest items of every culture. Looks persuade that tricky old Maraquan Scorchio at the entrance of the oh-so-popular restaurant Kelp. Looks matter in this case (though they usually do not).

In most cases, all you have to do is hide behind a bit of seaweed for a while, and you'll collect pieces of cloth torn from high society Neopet's clothing items, perfect for stitching together to make a stylish, sparkling clothing 'invention'. But if you're not the patient type, we suggest paying the shopkeeper of Unis Clothing (that stylish blue Uni) that one hundred neopoints we mentioned for a few scraps of fine material. She'll go for it; why would she need scraps, anyway?

You must now learn how to sew. Well, you go under and over, under and over, under and over with that needle and thread. Repeat. ...Yeah, that's how you do it, right? If it's wrong, pshaw.

If these directions are wrong and you are completely messed up now, hire somebody to do it for you, like a pal or a family member, so you don't have to pay them. After you've/they've finished your/they're creation, DON'T wear it! It's more convincing to that stubborn Maraquan Scorchio if your outfit looks new, because it seems like you bought it for that occasion, and billionaires usually buy a new outfit for EVERY occasion.

Important: Before you sew, make sure you can get the thread through the needle. We've had issues with that, and we don't mean Neopian Times issues.

Now you're ready to move on to the third and final step!

STEP NUMBER THREE: Talking Like You're Something Out of a 'How to Talk' Magazine, Which Most Probably Does Not Exist

Ah, finally: the last step. This is a difficult step, though not as difficult as step number one, and not as easy as step number two (though some might have found step number two quite challenging). It is how to talk like you're a billionaire. Repeat after me:

"Good evening. May I have the pleasure of being a patron of your most wonderful business?"

That is to be said after the Scorchio greets you.

As for conversation when ordering, always use...

-Kind words

-Shall

-Shan't

-May

-May I

-Patron

-Most Probably

-Most Wonderful

-Quite

-Thus

-A Thesaurus

Those will pretty much totally persuade your waiter/waitress that you are the richest pet that ever breathed.

Try to avoid conversation; it just leads to trouble.

Thus ends another article based on Kelp, the restaurant everyone wants to eat at. This is your friendly Neopia Central neighborhood reporter, trying to get you to see if these steps actually work.