Bird Calls: an Interview with the Pteris of Neopia

First we have the Golden Pteri, a calm soul who flies around and, if he sees that one of your Neopets is a Pteri, it starts raining money. Think about this: this Pteri can create Money out of thin air! That’s gotta be a good power. I wonder which faerie he had to bribe to collect that. More importantly, however, why does he only give Neopoints to Pteris, and most importantly, why does he spend his time doing this at all? I know that if I could create neopoints out of thin air, I’d be racing to the Hidden Tower and purchasing the whole place.

Another intriguing Pteri is the Black Pteri, a brooding creature whom you can find sitting ‘on a fence post, howling doom and misery for all to hear.’ So if ‘all’ can hear this Pteri, he must have some kind of uber-loud voice. Also, you think he’d be a little less rare in the Battledome if you could hear him from anywhere in Neopia... does he howl at specific frequencies? But the real question here is, do Pteris actually howl?

But obviously the most powerful Pteri in all of Neopia, is the Maintenance Pteri. With one flick of his wing, he can shut down the entire site. And somehow he isn’t holding all of Neopia for hostage. In fact, he’s quite content to sit quietly until he decides, for no particular reason, to challenge you in the Battledome. Why isn’t he abusing these powers of his, just for the sheer pleasure of it?

I decided that the only way to get answers to these questions, (apart from making them up, of course, which is something I tend to do too much of,) would be to interview all these Pteris. Together, at the same time. After all, everyone knows pets of the same species are always bestest friends. Just look at Skarl and Hagan!

I sent neomails out to the three of them, asking them to meet me at the Coffee Shop. Then I changed my mind and set the meeting place for the top of the Money Tree, assuming the Pteris would feel more at home there. I also took the precaution of not telling them I was from the Neopian Times, as I doubted they wanted interviews in a paper of this low quality (oh, Poogles, I mean a paper of this HIGH quality, yeah, heh heh, they weren’t good enough, heh... Please don’t eat me, Snowflake.) Instead, following the ancient journalist credo that sometimes in order to get a story, you have to lie until your head turns blue, I told them that I wanted to give them large sums of money. I figured that the worst that could happen was that they’d get mad and scratch me. The important thing was, I was going to get another shiny, shiny Neopian Times Trophy.

On the day of the interview, I climbed to the top of the Money Tree, (that Soup Faerie guarding it was such a grouch about not letting me climb it. Fortunately, I dropped a Stone Sofa on her that someone had left in the branches and she didn’t follow me anymore.) Arriving at the top, I saw the Golden Pteri strutting about pompously. I approached him...

Pk: Hi, are you the Golden Pteri?

Golden Pteri: Of course. I happen to be the only Gold-colored Pteri in all of Neopia. And you would be... BK?

Pk: Pk. So about the message that I gave you...

GoldP: Yes. About that. I should have told you that I’m not interested in large sums of Neopoints. (Waves his wing carelessly and a cloud nearby dumps a 300-np sack on the head of the Soup Faerie, who had just flown up to drag Pk down, and now plummets to the ground.) I would much rather you were doing something interesting, like interviewing me for the Neopian Times, the greatest newspaper ever written. See you. (Begins to fly away.)

Pk: Wait! I’m actually a reporter for the Times, and I want to interview you!

GoldP: Yeah, right. You just want me to stick around so your Pteri will be able to collect its share of money from me. You do own a Pteri, right?

Pk: Uhhh... (Not wanting to admit that he once owned a Pteri, but sent it to the Pound because it kept screeching at night,) yes... I do own a Pteri... (sudden idea) And he’s painted Invisible!

GoldP: Awwww... how cute! Where is he?

Pk: Errr... right here? (Gestures at his side.)

GoldP: A respectable Pteri owner... Ok, now I like you. (Waves wings and 5000 Neopoints fall into Pk’s lap.) So, why don’t you interview me now?

Pk: Ok... so, why do you fly around Neopia giving Neopoints to any Pteri you see?

GoldP: Well, the Pteri is obviously the most handsome Neopet in existence, but everyone doesn’t think so. So I decided to convince everyone to own a Pteri by giving money to anyone with a Pteri, thereby ensuring that all those stupid humans would adopt Pteris today.

Pk: Where do you get all these Neopoints?

GoldP: I took up the part-time job of accountant for the Faerie Queen. Every day, I collect the interest for her 72,000,000,000 Neopoint account. It’s big enough to be able to give out a couple million randomly each day.

Pk: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

GoldP: Yes, I have two siblings, neither of them nearly as attractive as me. One of them is that terrible Black Pteri you’re always hearing about... I hate him so much... so, when are you going to draw my picture?

Pk: (Suddenly seeing the Black Pteri flying in behind the Golden Pteri and wanting to avoid a fight) Uhh... I dropped my sketchbook ... into the Money Tree... could you go get it?

GoldP: Moi, do menial work? You’ve got to be kidding me.

Pk: There’s a mirror attatched to the side of it.

GoldP: OUTTA MY WAY!! (He dives off the side of the tree just before the Black Pteri swoops down.)

Black Pteri: Are you Tk?

Pk: Pk, actually. Now, thank you for-

BlackP: Why are you here?

Pk: Huh?

BlackP: When you said you wanted to meet at the top of the big Tree, I assumed you meant the Brain Tree.

Pk: Are you crazy? No one can climb up the Brain Tree.

BlackP: What do you mean? I go up there every day. It’s quite delicious.

Pk: Eww...

BlackP: But enough about that. Where’s my large sum of money?

Pk: Errr...

BlackP: Oh, here it is. (Takes the 5000np from Pk’s lap.) Alright, let’s do this. (The Black Pteri pulls out a fence post from his pack, jumps onto it and begins howling.)

Something Has Happened!

The Black Pteri sits on a Fence Post, Howling Doom and Misery for all to hear.

New Battledome Challenger! The Black Pteri will be waiting for you in the Battledome.

BlackP: Is that good? Now you can go and fight me in the Battledome, okay? (turns to leave.)

Pk: No, wait! I want to interview you. For the Neopian Times.

BlackP: The Times? Oh, very well. (perches on a branch.)

Pk: So, why do you fly around Neopia, promising doom and misery for everyone?

BlackP: Well, a few years ago, my evil brother, the Golden Pteri, took a job that was supposed to be mine. He went on to fame and sucess, while I was labelled the black Babaa of the family. Seriously, I was labelled it, as they painted me with an Evil Paint Brush.

Pk: I’ve never heard of an Evil Paint Brush.

BlackP: Well, there were only ever three of them created before they realized its destructive capabilities, and quit making them.

Pk: Who else got painted?

BlackP: The Shadow Usul, and Matt the (Evil) Programmer.

Pk: That would explain a lot.

BlackP: Quite. Any more questions?

Pk: Well (I am about to ask why he doesn’t just paint himself a different color when the Golden Pteri flies up, holding a really big cauldron lid.)

GoldP: I couldn’t find the sketchbook, but there was this delectably cute mirror. I had to steal it from that silly Faerie, though. She kept whining, like she needed and kept yelling ‘Misoup! MISOUP!’ Weird.

BlackP: Always stealing things, huh, Bob.

GoldP: YOU! (I make a note that the Golden Pteri’s name is Bob.) What are you doing here, Bob! (I make another note, saying that the Black Pteri’s name is also Bob.)

BlackP: I think the real question is, what are you doing here?

GoldP: Nonono, the Real-real question is, what are you doing here?

BlackP: Actually, the REAL-Real-real quest-

Pk: (Interrupting) So, I guess you two don’t like each other.

BlackP: Like? He stole my job! He took the opportunities that were supposed to be mine!

GoldP: What? As if! You cursed the family and ran away from home! I took over for you because there was no one else to do it!

BlackP: I wasn’t running away from home! I was going to the store to buy a quart of milk!

GoldP: Most people don’t normally disintegrate the doors and howl evilly on their way to the store, Bob.

BlackP: I was painted with an Evil Paint Brush! I couldn’t help it! In fact, why don’t you tell my interviewer how you got your color!

GoldP: Your interviewer! He’s my interviewer!

Pk: Uh-oh. (As both Pteris turned to glare at me, the entire world suddenly freezes in mid-stride. Slowly, the Maintenance Pteri descends from the sky, not noticing the other Pteris, who are behind him.)

Maintenance Pteri: You are Kp?

Pk: Pk. God, why is my name so hard?

MainP: I must decline your offer of a story.

Pk: What? WHY?

MainP: If I gave interviews to everyone who asked, I wouldn’t have time to shut down the site, now, would I?

Pk: But the site’s down now. You’ve got plenty of time.

MainP: Hmmm... true. Alright, just this once. Say, where’s my Large Cash Payment?

Pk: Uhhh... (improvising.) Over there... it’s those two statues. (Points at the GP and BP.) They’re sculptures of you in Gold and... Black... Gold.

MainP: Uhh, those remind me of my terrible brothers, the Golden Pteri and the Black Pteri and the Hula Pteri.

Pk: Hula Pteri?

MainP: HOW DARE YOU MENTION HIS NAME! (Lightning attempts to strike me, but the site is down, so the lightning can’t finish booting up.)

Pk: Sorry. Won’t happen again. Can I ask you questions now?

MainP: I suppose. Just a couple.

Pk: How can you shut down the site?

MainP: Oh, it’s very simple. I use one of these patented Asparagus-Powered Stone Hourglass Ray Guns.

Pk: Is that from the cooking pot?

MainP: How’d you guess?

Pk: ... luck.

MainP: Well, you’re right. Anyways, it shuts down the site for a bit and leaves me free to wander, looking for that cursed Pteri so I can destroy him.

Pk: Cursed Pteri?

MainP: Yes. Bob.

Pk: (speecheless, and flipping through notes in horror.) So... what would you do if you found Bob?

MainP: Oh, you know, strip all his feathers, feed him to Werelupes, make him play Kiko Match II. You know. The usual torture. (checks watch) Oh, wow, it’s getting late. I should be going. Very nice talking to you.

Pk: What?

MainP: I have to leave now. I’ll just restart the site now.

Pk: I’d be careful.

MainP: For what?

Pk: ... Nothing. (gets out sketchbook)

MainP: Alright then. (raises wings and restarts site. Millions cheer. Three angry Pteris are now face to face.)

GoldP: -MY interviewer! HEY! What are you doing here, Bob! (I make another note that the Maintenance Pteri’s Name is also Bob. Family reunions must be rather difficult.)

MainP: ME! What are you two Bobs doing here!

BlackP: Bob! I told you never to show your face again after...

MainP: After what? After Bob here stole my life savings?

GoldP: That was not me, it was Bob!

MainP: How could it have been? I had Bob tied up in chains!

BlackP: Where you painted me, Bob, you fiend!

GoldP: Don’t call Bob a fiend, Bob!

MainP: You stay out of this, Bob!

BlackP: Don’t yell at the dumb Bob, Bob!

Pk: (Now as throughly confused as all the readers) So, wait, which one of you is Bob again? (receives three angry glares in return.)

GoldP: YOU stay out of this! You’re just my interviewer!

BlackP: You mean my interviewer! He wanted to talk to me!

MainP: What? He came here to talk to me!

(Another steely glare)

Pk: Well... I actually wanted to talk to all three of you?

All Three: INTERVIEW ME WITH BOB AND BOB?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

Pk: Calm down! Don’t you see what’s going on?! The three of you are letting past pettinesses spoil your lives! How can you live with each other and yourselves if you don’t resolve these differences! (Pause as everyone considers the words.) I mean, I see three intelligent Pteris here who can work out their differences.

GoldP: Wait, aren’t there four Pteris here?

BlackP: There he goes, unable to count again.

MainP: You’re so right, Bob.

GoldP: No, he said he had an invisible Pteri with him.

MainP: But Pteris can’t be painted invisible!

BlackP: Which means he must have been lying!

GoldP: He lied so he could get my money! And picture! And be in my presence!

MainP: Let’s get him!

BlackP: Hold on, brothers. Do you all realize that this stupid human’s actions have brought us together and settled our thousand-year feud?

MainP: You know, he has!

GoldP: I can’t even remember why we were angry with each other!

Pk: Whew!

BlackP: Let’s celebrate by destroying him!

GoldP & MainP: Yeah!

Pk: Uh-oh.

Well, I won’t bore you with the details of my escape. Except to say it involved a sketchbook. And six Wockies. And it’ll be about four to eight months before the Golden Pteri gets out of traction. But the real question is: what did we learn from this? I think what we know can be summarised in three bullets.

1) Pteris are all homicidal psycho maniacal siblings... named Bob.

2) Pteris all have miraculous Superpowers that make little sense.

3)There is an evil Hula-ing Pteri out there who is the evilest Pet on the planet, apparently.

I’d tell you more, but my notes got a little singed when I blew up the Money Tree to create a distraction. Yes, that was me. If you have any donations that you would have given there, you can just send them to me. Until next time, Peeks out.