Survival: a Guide to Neopian Camping

"More like too much connection!"

A little trip into nature never killed anyone yet! Or, at least, not under normal, non-violent weather conditions. But then there's also possibilities of being smashed by a boulder, crushed by a falling tree, eaten by a rabid bearog, starving to death... *notices frightened stares in audience* Err, well, anyway, here is a guide to help you avoid or eliminate those threats!

The first thing you need to do before camping is to pack. Sounds easy, right? (Unless you're like me and wait until the last minute to pack, forgetting several rather important items.) When packing, make sure you've remembered all...

...important clothing. Make sure that all the clothes you take are warm and will withstand all the elements (with the exception of fire, of course). You will also need good shoes with you. That pair of rotten boots, sneakers, or --dare I say it-- sandals you found while fishing are not going to cut it! Also, don't pack any shirts with short sleeves. Your pink I Love Fyora T-shirt will have to stay at home this time.

...of the items in your first aid kit. This should include Itchy Scratchy Cream, Magic Smelly Socks, NeoFlu Jelly Pills... *half an hour later* ...Kikoughela Syrup, Extra Thick Goggles, and Onion Balm. Phew! On second thought, maybe you'd just better bring the whole pharmacy with you! You'll never know when there will be an emergency and poor little Susie will catch the Sneezles!

...your necessary food. However, if you're really roughing it, leave the food at home and find your food in the woods!

Disclaimer: The author is not to be held responsible for any digestion, starvation, or poisoning problems created by eating food from the woods. She will, however, remind you that you can always use the 36 different medicines in your first aid kit to heal your pet. (Hey, one of them's got to work!) If you don't have your first aid kit because it A) fell off your raft (given that you go rafting), B) was stolen by a rabid bearog hoping to cure his NeoFlu, or C) wasn't packed in the first place because you weren't paying attention to this article in the first place, you're in trouble! If you answered C, shame on you! The author is also not responsible for anyone who happens to fall asleep and somehow get injured during this overly long disclaimer.

You're all set to go camping now! But wait... hmm. It feels like you're forgetting something? Nah, it's probably nothing! Oh, wait! The tent!

Heh, don't forget your camping gear either. Make sure you've got your matches, sleeping bags, tent, compass, and any other camping items that you want to take with you.

Well, now that you're all packed, you can leave! Just hop on the nearest ferry or bike, and you can be on your way! Once you get there, set up your tent, roll out your sleeping bags, and... Hey, wait! What are you doing? This is no time to relax!

If you're roughing it and plan to only eat food from the wilderness, start hunting around for it! Even if you decided to bring your own food (wimp!), you may wish to explore the surrounding area.

*Five hours later* Haven't you passed that tree before? And aren't those your footprints in the mud? Well, it seems you've gotten yourself lost. Now what? First of all, don't panic. It'll only make things worse. Running and hiding in a corner, rocking back and forth is much more effective!

You see, now this is why I told you to pack a compass. You did pack a compass, didn't I--err, you?! *digs through backpack frantically* Phew, there it is! Now, let's see. The needle should point to the north, so camp must be that way!

*Five more hours later* Ugh, this thing must be broken! Well, never fear, here's another thing you can use to find your way back to camp. Moss always grows on the east side of the tree. Or was that west?

Seeing as that tidbit of information hasn't helped you in the last couple of hours, here's a last resort. Just look for the North Star, and it will lead you south. Ha, just kidding! It points west. Look, there it is! Hm, that's strange; it seems to be moving! I'm sure that's just an optical illusion.`

*Ducks from flying garbage* How was I supposed to know that was the Space Station and not the North Star? Sheesh! It's not like I'm an astronomer or something! At least you found your way back to camp. Who would have thought something as bizarre as a map would come in so handy?

Brr, now that you're back to camp, you're chilly! You'd better chop some firewood. It's simple, just grab that worthless random item that failed you in the Battledome and find some trees to cut down! Once you have found your tree (or trees, if you're planning on staying in the wild for too long), swing the weapon at the tree. A small dent should appear. Lather, rinse, repeat. Just before it falls, yell, "Timber!" loudly to scare away any people who could possibly be in the way of your falling tree. Oh yeah, and you should move out of the way too! Split the log into smaller pieces, and your firewood is ready to burn. Just as soon as you deal with the angry owner of the property whose trees you have just cut down.

Great. Now you've got a huge fine, and you have to leave and go home! So much for a long camping trip! Since you were a horrible camper and didn't follow this article very well, I would suggest never camping again! Please, for the love of white weewoos, stick to Neopia Central from now on. Oh, and by the way, that rabid bearog behind you looks like he thinks the same thing...