Ask Sloth Finale: The Doctor is Out!

World Domination is like chocolate, it just gets too much after a while.

An Open Letter to the Pets and People of Neopia,

Even with enough swooning fan girls that, placed end to end, they could stretch a whopping seven times around Neopia’s edge, I have decided to call it a day. I also have a shocking confession to make... I’m really a girl! Nah! (Not sure about Darigan though. He has quite a well developed chest.) Oh for shame, you gullible Neopians!

I want to say, all good things must come to an end sometime - World Domination; Adam’s Asparagus Addiction; Half Price Day; My rein of terror.

You don’t expect these things to last forever, right?

Good riddance to being a columnist! I’m going to be a big television star! Problem is televisions don’t exist in Neopia, do they? Bummer. Surely there’s better things I can do with my life. Like adopting fluffy Cybunnies from the pound. Or on second thought, maybe not.

Snowflake, I only ask for one thing when I stop writing. Make sure Roxy the Striped Shoyru stays on her leash. We don’t want another columnist running away from the Neopian Times.

Wuv, Doctor Frank Sloth

(I don’t believe I almost typed ‘Slot’. Who would have thought that typing isn’t this evil villain’s forte.)

************

Dear Sloth, I have a troublesome teenage Acara daughter who won’t do her Neoschool homework. What should I do? Lock her in a tower?

The One Thing to Rule Them All

A tower is a splendid idea, but have you tried to get guild council permission to construct one recently, mate?

Or you could try and cease being such a nagging parent. Let her be a free spirit! If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Mr.Slothy-Kins, it’s Fall. Of course, all my little Neopets seem to have caught allergies. Is there anyway to keep them from sneezing 24/7?

Brain Sneeze

I’m scared of allergic to daisies. Achoo! It’s a great planet (Neopia) that we live on, and I intend to get out and enjoy it - just as soon as I blow my nose.

Hey Doc, I lve chtspk 2 much. Plse hlp meh 2 brk ths anoyng hbt. PLSE!

Chstspker

You’ll have to speak up. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

Dear Sloth, Is there any secret to getting places in life?

Avant Guarde

Yes, use a ladder. But seriously Friends, let's face it! No matter what you do in life there is always going to be a certain amount of behind kissing involved to advance in any type of a career. (Like me for example! But it has been worth all the Neopoints I have spent on Rarity 99 Virtupets stamps to spoil Ms Snowflake the Editor.)

Dear Sloth! I am making pizza. Should I put flies and mosquitoes mixed with ketchup or the usual chicken liver and asparagus? Is there any possibility you can help with my pizza predicament?

Best wishes, Street Pizza

I love pizza, it’s round and flat like Roxy’s head. I like my pizza with garlic and a pinch of world domination but that’s just me.

Hello Sloth, I don't want to clean house or work at a regular paying job anymore. I only want to stay home and write stories and do artwork. Do you have any hints or tips?

Yours Truly, Artistic Sloth

We were separated at birth! That's a tough question. Since I am a celebrity, I don't do any housework or other boring mundane work whatsoever. That’s what wives are for. Am I right, men? Men? Hello? Anyone out there? *tumbleweed rolls across floor*

Aloha Doctor Sloth! Do you have a theme song that you live by or describes you in a nutshell?

Name that Tune

Yes, I do. My theme song is:

“Some people call me the space Kauboy, yeah.

Some call me the Slothmeister of love.

Some people call me Janice. Hmm..hmm..”

Some of my relatives are pretty weird. Does craziness run in families?

Mad as the March Cybunny

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Every time I ask my menagerie of Neopets ‘what do you want for dinner?’, they never reply. Then when I put out dinner, they say they want something else or a choice of meals. What do I look like? The Soup Faerie?

Food Coloring

My friend Hubrid Nox cooks for his room mate and similar things happen.

Hubrid: Do you want dinner?

Room mate: Sure, what are my choices?

Hubrid: Yes and no.

Unless it’s Snot Soup, your little munchkins should eat what they are given. Kids, these days.

Dear Doc, I’m utterly upset. My best Neofriend abandoned me for a newer, sexier Neopian Times. All she pays attentions to is her notebook, her studies of NT in-jokes and she worships Weewoos. To top it off, she leaves me out of in-jokes. (What’s with the white Weewoo thing, anyway??!)

Ditched for a Weewoo

Fake it, hun! Pretend to have an interest! I’m sure there must be a 12-step program available for this.

Slothy-poo, A week ago I went to my favourite cafe and found a Cooty swimming in my chicken soup. It’s put me off chicken soup completely.

Deuce, Forty Love, Served

You should have said ‘hold the chicken and make it pea’! The restaurant industry has to make money somehow. If that means renting temporary accommodation (e.g. soup bowls) to petpetpets kicked out of galleries, so be it.

A bit unrelated but, a little food for thought here. When you see labels on canned Lupe food about 'new improved taste', how do they know? Have they tasted it?

Do you really love Jhudora?

Say It Isn’t So

Enough is enough. I am madly, truly, deeply in love with her! Her purple locks, her evil laugh and everything! Having said that, the new Happiness Faerie is quite a looker!!

Dear Doctor Frank Sloth, What do you make of the political system in Faerieland? Do you think we should stick with the current queenship or do you think Faerieland needs a popular leader like yourself?

Love the Gov

Personally, I think Fyora is hot, she rules my head and my heart.

But my political opinion is that she’s hot but should rule with her head, not her looks. Therefore I’m all for anarchy. Huh? I’m confusing myself. Can we talk about the Happiness Faerie now?! I’d like to play follow THAT leader!

Dear Ask Sloth, I have a problem. I’m an..Al the Chia impersonator. Tried to clean up my act (gags and such) but I am bitterly disappointed that has not worked. What is the secret of comedy, how do you pull it off?

Pulled By a Hook

My father told me once that comedy was like a Durian Chia. (Not questioning whether he broke into the Neopets image server or was a psychic.) With comedy you can either;

a) crack under pressure

b) stink at it

c) leave behind a pleasant impression.

Oh goody! My last question ever...

Dear Doctor Sloth, What would you do if you needed someone to get advice from? Would you ask a clone of yourself, or do the unthinkable and *shudder* ask Roxy? Who would you ask?

A Guy Breaking Into The Advice Column Industry

I would never go and ask a rival. Excuse me, I just have to pop off and consult a careers advisor to see where my options lie. He better not say the gutter, as I’m too famous for that kind of treatment.

Well that’s it. Ta, ta! Ciao, my darlings! So long and thanks for the Koi!

Rant of the Fortnight (or ROTF)

Authors who say they are going to quit writing for the Times, therefore creating a big song and dance about it. Everyone gets emotional, then the author makes a comeback two issues after and they expect a big ‘welcome back to writing for the Times’ present.

Rest assured, I won’t torture my fans like that.