Altador Cup XI Match Report: From the Sidelines

Hi there! I’m Kuszemi, and welcome to Altador Cup XI, where we will be joining the the arena for a good old game of Yooyuball once again. I’m here today in the spectator area with some of the gang, and coming up is Maraqua versus Krawk Island. Say hello, everyone!

Garin: Yeah, hi.

Jacques: Hi.

Slightly Manic-Looking Blue Techo With Bloodshot Eyes: HII!!! I LOVE ALTADOR CUP!! I LOVE ALTADOR CUP!!! I COULD JUST EAT UP ALL OF THE -

(A pair of burly Scorchio security guards come up and quickly remove the Techo fan, whose screeches fade into the distance)

Kuszemi: Ahem, sorry for the disturbance just now, which was completely unscripted. Over-zealous fans and all that. So boys, which team will you be supporting?

Garin: Are you filming this? You’re filming this, aren’t you?

Kuszemi: (sigh) Yes, I am. What does that have to do with your team loyalties?

Garin: It has everything to do with my team loyalties. (waves frantically at the camera) Isca, my Water Faerie! I’m Team Maraqua, all the way! Always have been, always will be! Oh, and by the way, I’m NOT rooting for Krawk Island. Hope they lose! And I hope it makes a certain pirate barmaid very sad indeed!

Jacques: Am I on camera as well?

Kuszemi: (swivels to face him) Well, you are now.

Jacques: Whupperyhoo, Caylis! I’m not Team Maraqua – just so you know.

Kuszemi: OK, I think that’s enough. Back to the game.

Garin: Is the camera still on?

Kuszemi: Yes, it is.

Garin: (slightly disgruntled) Awh, nuts. Guess I’m going to have to sit this one through, then.

Jacques: Hey, look at that Koi! He looks like one of the guards for that palace in Maraqua.

Kuszemi: That’s really not the point here. Back to the game, I say back to the game! Oh look, it’s a Darigan Yooyu.

Garin: Is that a good thing or bad?

Kuszemi: Bad for the players, not for you and me.

Garin: What do they do, then?

Kuszemi: They don’t do what they’re told. Much like yourself, in fact.

Garin: Well then, is there a Maraqua Yooyu?

Kuszemi: Don’t think so.

Garin: (grabs the microphone) I asked him, Isca. It’s not my fault they don’t have a Maraqua ball.

(There is a huge roar from all around them)

Jacques: What’s happening?

Kuszemi: (groans) Elon Hughlis just scored is what’s happening. Though how he managed that with a Darigan Yooyu, I have no idea. Haven’t you ever seen Yooyuball before?

Jacques: No.

Kuszemi: Well then, why did you say you’d come?

Jacques: Garin said there was some loot to be had. Where’s the loot? Is that ball precious?

Kuszemi: Well, yes, in fact they are - and they’re actually Petpets. Cute, aren’t they?

Garin: Hey look, there’s a gigantic ice block right in the middle of the field. Appeared just now. Wonder what it does.

Kuszemi: Oh yes. They don’t appear very often. Whoever gets it freezes everyone on the opposing team.

Shop Wizard: (randomly pops up) Are you bamboozled by the intricacies of the Altador Cup? Flummoxed by how Yooyuball is played? Then fear not, all your answers are only a click away! Check out THE SHOP WIZARD for the best deals on the newly released ‘The Altador Cup Encyclopedia.’

Garin: No thanks, I don’t read. And sit down, you’re blocking the view.

Shop Wizard: Youngsters these days. (morosely takes off his top hat, and sits down next to a sinister-looking Blumaroo who looks suspiciously like the Archmagus of Roo)

Garin: Did we miss anything?

Jacques: They keep dropping the fiery ball. Not very good at this game, are they?

Kuszemi: That’s because it’s a Fire Yooyu. They can’t hold it for too long.

(Feldon Collibridge reaches the ice block, elbowing aside Barit Jowes and Lamelle Turow in the process. Everyone on the Maraqua team immediately freezes. Coco Metrone, who has the ball, charges forward and scores, whilst a frozenly aghast Tonie Plessix watches on. The Krawk supporters erupt in cheers.)

Garin: Neat trick, that. Wonder where I can get some of those nice ice blocks. Be handy to have ‘em and freeze old Scarry whenever I’m in the mood. And Hannah and Kanrik, for that matter. In fact, I might keep that annoying upstart Gelert permanently iced up.

Kuszemi: That’s not very charitable, Garin.

Garin: Charitable has nothing to do with it. I’m a pirate, not the Soup Faerie.

Jacques: I’d like some soup.

Kuszemi: (groans) Does no one want to watch the game? Looks, Barit Jowes just scored.

Garin: Which team is he on, then?

Kuszemi: MARAQUA.

Garin: Right. Hey, Isca, I knew that. Just playing it up for the laughs.

Jacques: How much did you say those Yooyus go for?

Kuszemi: Well, that one there is a Faerie Yooyu, so several million Neopoints I would say. Not entirely sure, though.

Jacques: Hmm. Interesting.

Kuszemi: (suddenly looks dismayed) Oh, crumbs! Don’t get any funny ideas. They’re, um, they’re worthless. Handful of Neopoints at the most.

Garin: Ha! You’re a really bad liar, did anyone tell you that?

(The crowd erupts in cheers again)

Kuszemi: Good one there. Did you see Zayle Sufhaux send that one rolling into the net?

Garin: Is he Maraquan?

Kuszemi: No. You’re still on air, by the way.

Garin: Oh, curses. Isca, take no notice. This - uhm - this is just a funny skit that my dear friend has kindly - er - arranged for me. We’re just joking around like the lovable buccaneers that we are.

Kuszemi: Speak for yourself, I’m no privateer.

Garin: (in a loud whisper) Stop trying to make me look bad.

Jacques: Where’s the loo?

Kuszemi: You’re not going to covertly attempt some sort of Yooyu heist, are you? I must warn you against doing that, the security guards here don’t take very kindly to shenanigans of that sort.

Jacques: (innocently) Of course not! What do you take me for?

(The Yooyuball come sailing towards them, and Jacques manages to catch it.)

Jacques: Oh look at that! Guess I’m going to have to keep this one, then. (pockets it)

Kuszemi: The odds of that happening are.. never mind. Throw it back, quick!

Garin: Or what?

(A bunch of hefty-looking Scorchio security guards tackle Jacques, who goes under with a loud yell. Garin joins the fray in delight, but they are soon overcome and taken away, just as the referee blows his whistle. The crowds slowly dissipate, discussing the match animatedly.)

Kuszemi: (rather ruefully) And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I will never bring another pirate to the Altador Cup again. Today we watched Maraqua play against Krawk Island, which, despite their very best efforts, culminated in an extremely anticlimactic draw. This is Kuszemi for the Neopian times, live in the Colosseum. Thank you for watching, and please stay tuned for the latest news on the Altador Cup!