Lennert's Lawn Ornament, Take 2: Part One

Little Pink Lenny Lawn Ornaments, Inc. Factory

"Ladies and gentleman, I'd first off like to thank you all for coming on this tour today - I'd like to, but I don't get paid enough for that!" the tour guide, a pink Lenny who had the unfortunate luck of being a male pink Lenny, announced cheerily to the crowd, wearing a merry smile. Another day, another group of tourist pets clad with tropical shirts and sunglasses coming for a tour of the factory.

      Idiots. I mean, honestly - who wears sunglasses inside? And why would you want to tour a factory on vacation, anyways?! Stupid!

      The factory they were all in was large and loud, with rows and rows of Virtupets machines churning out lawn ornament after lawn ornament - just as one might expect a factory to do - all of which looked exactly the same: pink and Lenny-shaped.

      Everything was clad in gray; the walls, the floor and even the machines themselves. The only bits of dull color were those that the pets manning the machines were painted. And perhaps the pink colors of the Lenny lawn ornaments coming out of those machines; and of the tour guide himself, of course.

      Yes, the pink Lenny tour guide was a guy. He hadn't chosen to be this way, of course - the factory owners had forced him to get painted pink so as to better match what it was that the factory made. The fact that he happened to be a guy didn't really matter to them in the slightest.

      He smiled once more. "Now, if everyone's ready, we'll begin!"

      A red Lenny in the back of the group raised his wing.

      The tour leader nodded to him. "Yes?"

     "Umm, what should I do if I get lost?" he called out, practically having to shout to be heard over the roar of the machines.

     "Then sit down and die!" the guide replied, a little too quietly, still managing to hold his cheesy smile.

     "I'm sorry, what? I didn't catch that!"

     "Moving on!" the tour guide shouted, turning briskly and striding off across the factory floor. He took about four steps, stopped right next to one of the many machines, and spun back to face the group, still smiling wide.

     "This machine here makes the heads of the ornaments! I'd describe to you how it works, but then I'd probably lose my mind from boredom and go on a massive battling spree, wiping all of you out!"

     "Hey!" one of the tourists, a random blue Bruce shouted, pointed to a figure slumped over on a stool next to the machine. "Isn't he supposed to be awake and watching the machine or something?"

     The tour guide smiled, waving his wing in a poo-poo fashion. "Don't worry about him - he's just a mannequin! We leave him there so the inspector won't say anything whenever he stops by for inspection!"

     A green Kyrii standing in the back of the group next to the first red Lenny raised his paw.

     "Hey, aren't we supposed to be wearing hardhats or something? It seems like we could get hurt…"

     "Don't worry," the pink Lenny replied, again keeping his voice below the roar of the machines, "you'll be fine - I'm not that lucky!"

     "I'm sorry, what was that?"

     He spun back around smartly. "Moving on!" He took another three steps forward, stopping at another machine, this one with a large mold that came down at intervals as large melted pieces of plastic rolled underneath it on the conveyer belt, smashing the blobs of bubbling material and shaping it into the body of a Lenny.

     "And this," the guide explained, loudly enough this time so that everyone could hear, "is where we make the bodies of the lawn ornaments! I would explain how it works, but I think I should probably hurry and finish this tour before the sight of your faces makes me vomit!" He reaffirmed his smile, turned and took another few steps, then spun back to face the group.

     "This concludes our tour!" he announced, still cheery as always. "Are there any other questions?"

     The red Lenny in the back raised his wing once more.

     The tour guide pointed to him. "Yes?"

     "Why do you sound so much like a guy?" he shouted.

     The pink Lenny's face fell. "…You realize that I am a guy, right?"

     Lennert stared back for a few seconds. "…So, why do you sound so much like a guy?"

      The tour guide sighed before once more plastering on his false face of joy. He looked about the group for any other hands, paws, or wings in the air. "No one else? Good! Well then, I hope you all had an absolutely miserable time and please, feel free to waste your money buying useless crap in our gift shop!" He turned and strode through a door off to the side marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY".

     Inside the break room, the Lenny dropped down heavily onto nearby red beanbag, sighing. The only other pet in the room, a blue Kacheek wearing a shirt and tie, was making himself a cup of coffee at the table nearby. The Kacheek looked up at the Lenny curiously.

     "What's wrong?" he asked, walking over.

     The Lenny sighed again. "I hate this!" he shouted. "I hate this job, I hate my pay… but what I really hate, more than anything else, is this colour - now, everyone thinks I'm a girl! It doesn't seem like anyone has figured out that I'm actually a guy!"

     The blue Kacheek nodded, seeming to understand.

     A momentary pause.

     "So… Why do you sound so much like a guy, anyways?"

On the walk home…

      It was a bright sunny afternoon in downtown Neopia Central - pets of all types were roaming the streets, making their way in and out of shops, dining out, or simply trying to get home. Like one certain familiar pair - a red Lenny and his green Kyrii of a roommate.

      And as they were strolling down the street, Lennert, the red Lenny of the two, couldn't help but wonder aloud…

      "Hey, you know what you never see? A vanilla chip cookie!"

      Hawkins, the green Kyrii, looked over at his roommate as they walked. "Vanilla chip cookie?"

      "Yeah!" Lennert replied. "I mean, you see chocolate chip cookies all the time, but never vanilla chip!"

      "I don't think they can make vanilla chip…" the green Kyrii pointed out.

      "Well, I don't see why not!" Lennert exclaimed. "I mean, they both come from beans, right? Its not like they're growing chocolate chips on trees somewhere!"

      "True…"

      "I'll tell ya what I think," Lennert continued as he and his partner strolled down the sidewalk, passing by restaurants and a large brick apartment building. "It's the big chocolate corporations - they've got a monopoly! That's what it is! They've got a strangle-hold on the chocolate chip-making business and they're not letting the little vanilla companies get in on it!"

      "Wow…" Hawkins replied, a tinge sarcastic. "The world must know about this…"

      "Yeah! And further more, I--"

      "Lennert, look out!"

      At just that moment, Hawkins tackled his roommate to the ground, knocking him out of the way just as a large, pink object came plummeting from the sky, crashing right into the spot where Lennert had been standing not a second earlier.

      For a few seconds, both pets lay lifelessly on the ground. Finally, throbbing with pain, Hawkins raised himself up. As he shook his head slowly, trying to clear his mind, the Kyrii looked back to see that the object which had almost crushed his friend was, in fact, a lawn ornament - a lawn ornament shaped like a pink Lenny! It had shattered into about half a dozen pieces from the impact, but it was still clear what it was; or, at least, what it had been.

      Lennert, rubbing his head painfully, looked back at the ornament and gasped. "Oh my gosh!" he cried. "Oh man… Hawkins, you… you saved me!" He continued gaping at the spot in the sidewalk where what was left of the lawn ornament sat in many pieces. "If you hadn't pushed me out of the way, that thing would've killed me!"

      Hawkins sighed, pulling himself up. "Well, I dunno if it would've killed you - but it certainly would've given you a good bump on the head…"

      "No," the red Lenny retorted, pulling himself up beside his roommate, "that thing would've definitely been the end of me! Hawkins, you saved my life!"

      Hawkins walked over to where the splintered remains of the ornament lay, shaking his head sadly. "I wonder how…" He looked up above him. The two were just outside of a large apartment building - maybe 6 or 7 stories in height. There were no open windows and no one peering over the roof searching for a fallen lawn ornament. It was almost as if the ornament had simply fallen out of the sky…

      The Kyrii shrugged. "Ah well. Whatever." He turned back to continue the walk home.

      "Hey wait!" Lennert shouted, rushing to catch up to him. "Aren't I indebted to you now or something?"

      Hawkins waved his paw, pooh-poohing the idea. "Lennert, don't worry about it."

      "But really!" Lennert pressed. "I owe you my life! I'm now forced to become your indentured servant!"

      Hawkins rolled his eyes. "If only that were true - then I'd order you to be quiet for once!" he thought to himself as he continued down the sidewalk.

Hawkins and Lennert's Apartment…

      The front door of the apartment opened and in walked its two tenants - Hawkins the Kyrii and Lennert the Lenny. Hawkins turned and tossed his keys on to the stand by the door when he heard a blood-curdling scream…

      "AAAHHHHHH!!!"

      The Kyrii spun back around to the sight of Lennert kneeling on the floor next to their blue couch in the living room, hunched over some object his red, feathery body seemed to have obscured from view.

      "Lennert, what's wrong?!" Hawkins shouted, rushing over to his friend. But as he got closer, he realized almost immediately what the problem was...

      Lying on the floor were the remains of a pink Lenny lawn ornament - Lennert's short-time friend, Pinky! The head had been snapped off at the neck and the ornament now lay in two pieces: the body and half of the neck in one piece, and the head and the other half of the neck in the other.

      "Oh Pinky!" Lennert wailed, clutching the ornament's head in his wing. "Pinky, what's happened to you?! Who did this two you, Pinky?! WHO?! Oh, who could be so cruel as to hurt a poor innocent lawn ornament like this?!"

      Hawkins could only stand there, watching his friend wallow over his "dead" lawn ornament; the Kyrii wasn't really sure what to say. After all, what can one say to ease the pain of a lost garden accessory?

      "What's that, Pinky?" Lennert, who was already down on his knees, leaned in a bit further, putting his ear to the lawn gnome's head's beak. "Pinky, are you trying to say something? What are you trying to say, Pinky? You… you want Hawkins to give me one-- no, ten-thousand Neopoints?! Oh, I don't know, Pinky… Hawkins can be very callous when it comes to last wishes…"

      Hawkins rolled his eyes. "Okay, that's it!" he said, reaching for the lawn gnome's head.

      "No wait!" Lennert cried, pulling back from his roommate. "No, he's trying to say something else! What, Pinky? Who hurt you? It was… who? The other lawn gnomes? What other lawn gnomes? Pinky, what other… No! Pinky! Don't go, Pinky! Hold on! We'll get you to the hospital! We'll get a doctor!" Lennert looked back up at Hawkins. "We've got to get him to the hospital!"

      "And tell the doctors what?! 'Oh hi, excuse us, would you mind healing our sick lawn gnome? Yeah, we think he might have been the target of an assassination. 'Kay, thanks!'"

     Lennert put his ear to the ornaments beak, then, with a sigh, shook his head. "It's too late… He's gone!" Lennert dropped the head to the floor, rolling over in an all-too dramatic fetal position and dissolving into tears.

     "PINKY!!!!!!"

Dead-as-Dirt Cemetery

      It was a cloudy, slightly-gusty afternoon in the cemetery as Lennert, Hawkins, and a golden Lenny lawn gnome named Goldy stood among the many graves and headstones for the stupidly-solemn act of burying a well beloved, though shortly-known, lawn ornament, the pieces of whom (which?) now lay in a small, wooden casket-type box near the freshly-dug grave.

      "Pinky," Lennert began, with both pets bowing their heads in remembrance, "you were a good lawn ornament, cut down in the prime of your life. And though your time with us was short, we-Hey wait! Stop that!"

      Lennert glanced up to see a black Airax perched on top of Pinky's head, pecking at its eye.

      "Hey!" the Lenny shouted. "Get off of Pinky's head! Fly away, you! Shoo! Shoo!"

      The Airax did take off and fly away - carrying Pinky's head in its talons!

     "Hey!" Lennert cried out as the petpet flew off into the sky, out of reach. "Come back here with Pinky's head! Come back! Awww, Pinky, he's stealing your head! He's stealing your head, Pinky! Awww man… this isn't good…"

     Hawkins, standing off to the side, just put his face in his paws, shaking his head sadly.

     Goldy simply stood there, looking golden and gnomish as always.

     And, really, is there any other way for a golden lawn gnome to look?

To be continued...