How to be a Better Skeith, for Skeiths

Skeiths are often seen as the lowest of the low, fat, slovenly, ugly and rude! Why live up to your name you may ask, and really it’s all about your pride. Every Skeith is born with an inner feeling of skeith-yness, and you have to let it glow and hope other Neopets like you for it. My Skeith, Filthy, and I have compiled a list of nine ways that you can really channel your inner disgustingness whilst softening the Skeith image:

1. Snarl, not smile

A lovely simply point this. A smile suggests you are friendly and welcoming, but as a Skeith you cannot be this. You can curl your lips evilly, you can even chuckle madly, but allowing a grin to blossom on your chubby cheeks is simply a must-not. Filthy highly recommends practicing your leer or snarl in a thickly reinforced mirror before showing it off to the public, it would not do to have a half finished smirk. He also highly suggests only brushing your Skeithy fangs once a weeks (brush your smaller points every day as tooth hygiene is important) as he finds a yellowed look extra repulsive. This kind of behaviour shows people you aren’t afraid of who you are, and that you are most definitely not a fake.

2. Dress inappropriately

Nothing screams scary social reject more than a uncoordinated outfit at the local dance now, does it? Skeiths were never made to fit in, to clothes or crowds, so why even try, you will simply fail miserably. So go out, make a bold statement that dares those fancy Kacheeks to talk about you behind your very large back. My Skeith advisor says you should turn to a colour wheel to put your outfit together and that his personal favourite combo is lime green skirt, his rusty orange cardigan and is brown dungarees. Although it is hard to tuck the skirt into the dungarees he says it is worth it just to see the shock on their faces. No, I don’t know who ‘they’ are either, and I don’t like to ask. By making such a disastrous fashion choice you are telling everyone that you don’t care about social fashion convention- and you’ll simply exude cool, rebel vibes.

3. The more you eat, the better

No Skeith should be sticking to the health foods only, or eating cybunny food for breakfast. Skeiths were made to eat a hearty seven meals a day, and that is what they should continue to eat. If you are worried about seeming greedy you could make some of your own meals and order the others from different places so it doesn’t look like you’re having more than one meal to yourself! Great idea that, thanks Filthy! Make sure you get regular checkups though to make sure all your systems are coping with the large amounts of food.

4. Rudeness is simply polite

Mind your manners? Ha, you must be joking. People love it when they can moan about that rude old Skeith. And Skeiths just love the attention. Don’t you worry, rudeness rarely gets you kicked out of parties -maybe the cold shoulder, but not for too long. So don’t be minding your Ps and Qs, no one even knows what that means anyway. No ‘thank you’s, no ‘may I’s and certainly and most definitely no ‘please’s. This makes you seem independent and badly brought up. Maybe you’ll

5. Everyone needs to hear you

What’s the point in being a Skeith if nobody knows you’re hanging around? You’ve got to stomp your feet, you’ve got to eat with your mouth open. People need to know you’re there! Take my Filthy for example. He always slams the doors, wherever he is. It’s perfect for making an entrance (or even a quick exit). Of course I find it aggravating and annoying, but it just reminds me that my Skeith is not to be messed with. A small warning though, people get really angry if you actually break the door or frame so maybe don’t take it that far, at least any more than once.

6. Swot up

There are some things you just can’t let be true. Skeiths aren’t stupid. You have big heads, so therefore bigger brain mass... right? Wow your peers with crazy (and hopefully disgusting) facts and did you knows. People won’t only be scared of you, they’ll be impressed too. Is the perfect way to maintain your unattainable image. People will be saying, “he’s gross, enormous AND intelligent! I wish I could be him.” Isn’t that what you have always wanted?

7. Don’t hang out with only Skeiths

People get suspicious if you hang out alone, or even with just other Skeiths. Its best to mingle and surprise, that way your fabulous burping talents really get known about and what does that lead to? A phone call from a scouting agent of course. You don’t actually have to socialise of course. Friends can definitely be bought. I know you’re probably a money hoarder but a chocolate bar and a coin or so really go far in ‘friend making’. However it doesn’t hurt to strike up a conversation (if only to wow the recipient with stinky breath.)

8. Practice good tail care

Take this from me; your tail is your biggest asset and you must take excellent care of it if you want to go anywhere in life. If your hands (and feet) are fun with cans and crisp-packets and junk foot then what else can be used to reach the popcorn bucket? Only your tail of course! How about when you are counting your money? You can count up to 15! This is a massive advantage and will help to swell your wealth until you’re a mega tycoon*. You can buy tail care kits or just ask your grandmummy. At the very least make sure you do your daily tail exercises as recommended by the Skeith Health Association.

9. Don’t be a Halloween prop

It’s around that time of year now. Everyone is starting to plan their Halloween parties. What’s top on their lists? You, of course. They need a typically scary Neopet to be their super scary monster. Say no! Don’t take this degrading job when you could be improving the reputation of your kind. This type of work suggests Skeiths don’t deserve to be invited to the party, in fact, that they aren’t even proper Neopets. Furthermore, don’t just say no, growl and roar and scream. Make sure they regret even daring to ask. (However you could recommend hiring a petpet or some kind of ghoul, you don’t want to be seen as too unfriendly.)

So there it is, nine ways in which to be a better Skeith. Follow these simple rules and you will be moving up in the Neopian social ranks as quickly as Neopets used to avoid you. The good thing about these instructions is it doesn’t make you hide you true Skeith. You can really enjoy your life now, Skeith-friend. Good luck!

*you are in no way guaranteed to make extra Neopoints from using your tail to count with as well as your fingers and toes