Twelve Neopian Holidays

      Let’s welcome back our guest judges, Skarl and Hagan! For our next act in the talent show, we have the All-Neopian Choir singing “Twelve Neopian Holidays.” Are our judges ready to begin again?

      Wise Old King: That’s affirmative.

      Grumpy Old King: As ready as I’ll ever be.

      Announcer: Performers, you may take the stage.

      All-Neopian Choir: On the first of the holidays, TNT gave to me: a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Wise Old King: Wait a second. "The first of the holidays?" Which one are we starting with?"

      Grumpy Old King: Does it really matter? I mean, they're already all on the same day, so...

      Wise Old King: Of course it matters. I mean, I've got to be able to make some sense of this.

      Grumpy Old King: Well, we've got a Weewoo and a Dead Tree. So that...

      Wise Old King: (interrupting) Doesn't even make sense. Why would a Weewoo want to live in a Dead Tree? It’s... dead. That’s just depressing.

      Grumpy Old King: That’s right up my alley.

      All-Neopian Choir: On the second of the holidays, TNT gave to me: two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Wise Old King: Zombie Slorgs! Now we're getting somewhere. The second of the holidays must be Halloween. No, wait a second. Must be Slorg Day, and then the Dead Tree in the first holiday was a reference to Halloween. Now we're getting somewhere!

      Grumpy Old King: I can see why Zombie Slorgs would enjoy a Dead Tree, but why do we need another Dead Tree? Maybe one for each of the Zombie Slorgs?

      Wise Old King: Yeah, that works out fine, until the next verse.

      Grumpy Old King: How do you know the next verse already?

      Wise Old King: Just wait.

      Grumpy Old King: Oh this is impossible.

      Choir: On the third of the holidays, TNT gave to me: three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs, and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Grumpy Old King: Why would anyone want even ONE Brain Hot Dog, let alone three? And... again with the Dead Trees. I’m beginning to sense a pattern.

      Wise Old King: Gee. You’re quick on the uptake today, aren’t you?

      Grumpy Old King: This song makes no sense.

      Wise Old King: You've got that right. I mean, I thought I had it all figured out with Halloween and then Slorg day, but next would be Pteri Day, and Brain Hot Dog is definitely more like Halloween. So... now we're going backwards. I, in my infinite knowledge, have determined that this song is not supposed to make sense.

      Grumpy Old King: Well, that explains a lot.

      Wise Old King: Maybe I should stop trying to figure out which holiday each verse goes with, and just enjoy the song.

      Grumpy Old King: Enjoy??

      Choir: On the fourth of the holidays, TNT gave to me: four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Wise Old King: Awww. Pubbyblews are so cute! I want one! Or four.

      Grumpy Old King: Yeah, they’re cute. Until they eat your Asparagus Couch and tear up your Origami Couch. Then they stop being so cute, and start to be so... annoying.

      Choir: On the fifth of the holidays, TNT gave to me: five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Grumpy Old King: Rings! Finally, something useful.

      Wise Old King: Yeah, but do you really need five?

      Grumpy Old King: I’ll throw them in the magma pool and melt them down.

      Wise Old King: Good luck getting past the guard.

      Grumpy Old King: Fine. I’ll use one ring to bribe him, and throw the rest into the Magma Pool.

      Wise Old King: Pretty sure it’s going to take four to bribe him and you’ll only get to throw one into the Magma Pool.

      Grumpy Old King: Well, you’re no fun. This song is impossible.

      Choir: On the sixth of the holidays, TNT gave to me: six peas attacking, five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Grumpy Old King: Six peas attacking? I thought it was an Attack Pea.

      Wise Old King: Yes, but if they used the proper name, it would have to be “six Attack Peas attacking,” which is rather redundant.

      Grumpy Old King: Isn’t “rather redundant” redundant?

      Wise Old King: Touché!

      Grumpy Old King: Wait a second. I just noticed something. Why is the choir stopping for so long between verses?

      Wise Old King: Because with all of our talking in between, we’d be talking over the next verse, and we’d never get to comment over the ridiculousness of the that verse. It’s either that or I can manipulate the space-time continuum. I’ll never reveal which it is.

      Grumpy Old King: That’s impossible.

      Wise Old King: You say that as though we aren't already celebrating every holiday all at once.

      Choir: On the seventh of the holidays, TNT gave to me: seven AAAs gaming, six peas attacking, five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      AAA: No! There is only one me! I am the only AAA and the only master gamer! Muwahaha!

      Wise Old King: Wait. Where did he come from? It’s like he popped in here out of nowhere!

      Grumpy Old King: I don’t know. That’s impossible. And rather frightening.

      Wise Old King: Whatever dark magic he’s using, I’d suggest staying far, far, away from it.

      Grumpy Old King: Finally, something we agree on!

      Wise Old King: I think we agreed earlier that this song makes no sense. Hold your Unis. We just agreed with each other on two things. On the same day. What kind of craziness is this?

      Grumpy Old King: You keep saying that as if any of this makes sense.

      Wise Old King: Valid point.... So. Since we've already ripped giant holes in the space-time continuum and defied all logic, and we seem to have suddenly become great pals, we can basically talk about anything for as long as we want between verses. (Suddenly excited) We could read from the Book of Ages! (sees look of horror from Grumpy Old King) I'm kidding. Only kidding. But... seriously, how are you doing today?

      Grumpy Old King: I. Am. So. Tired. I was up all night making sure my peasants... I mean citizens had valentines to give out, and chocolate Chias, and neggs to dye for the Negg Festival, and... just... everything. I'm extra grumpy. I mean, I'm sure you were making preparations too. If even the Grumpy Old King tries to make his citizens happy sometimes, I'm sure you do too. But somehow, you seem extra cheerful. What's your secret?

      Wise Old King: (Whispering, talking out of the side of his mouth) Minions. Rented them from Dr. Sloth.

      Grumpy Old King: Oh, who am I kidding? Me too. I didn't do any of that on my own. But I still had to make sure the minions did everything right.

      Wise Old King: Well, enough about us. Should we let them continue?

      Grumpy Old King: Oh, I guess so. Even though I'm really not sure I even want to know what's coming next.

      Choir: On the eighth of the holidays, TNT gave to me: eight Wraiths destroying, seven AAAs gaming, six Peas attacking, five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Wise Old King: Well, the Wraiths have arrived. It’s all over now.

      Grumpy Old King: Might as well call the rest of the festivities off. I mean, they just suck the positive energy right out of the place. No holiday cheer when they’re around.

      Wise Old King: You speak like you know of this “positive energy" and "holiday cheer."

      Grumpy Old King: Oh, shut up!

      Wise Old King: Pretty sure you just proved my point.

      Choir: On the ninth of the holidays, TNT gave to me: nine copies of “The Night Before the Night Before the Night Before the Day of Giving” gathering dust, eight Wraiths destroying, seven AAAs gaming, six peas attacking, five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Wise Old King: Wait. WHAT? That’s....

      Grumpy Old King: (smirking) Impossible?

      Wise Old King: I mean.... it’s like... twenty-four syllables where there should only be four! You can’t just use a Toy Shrink Ray to make the words fit. That’s not how this works. Besides, books should never gather dust. They should be read. They should spread knowledge, or make you laugh, or... something.

      Grumpy Old King: You seem to be getting a bit agitated. That’s my role. Stop invading my territory.

      Choir: On the tenth of the holidays, TNT gave to me: ten Trumpets playing, nine copies of “The Night Before the Night Before the Night Before the Day of Giving” gathering dust, eight Wraiths destroying, seven AAAs gaming, six peas attacking, five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Wise Old King: And yet another line that makes no sense. Who’s playing these Trumpets? They can’t play themselves.

      Grumpy Old King: And ten Trumpets playing at the same time would be quite loud. And rather annoying. This is impossible.

      Choir: On the eleventh of the holidays TNT gave to me, eleven Baby Unis crying, ten Trumpets playing, nine copies of “The Night Before the Night Before the Night Before the Day of Giving” gathering dust, eight Wraiths destroying, seven AAAs gaming, six peas attacking, five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a Dead Tree!

      Grumpy Old King: Wait. Eleven Unis at once? That’s like... octuplets plus twins!

      Wise Old King: Actually, it would be octuplets plus triplets. And I believe the word you are looking for is undenuplets. Or henduplets. Take your pick. My sources give multiple options on this word that technically isn’t even a valid word yet.

      Grumpy Old King: You’re impossible.

      Wise Old King: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

      Choir Director: Hey, are you two even listening? Don’t make us start over. Besides, this next verse is just for you.

      Wise Old King: We’re listening. We’re listening. We promise.

      Grumpy Old King: Please don’t start over. Anything but that!

      Choir: On the twelfth of the holidays, TNT gave to me: twelve judges listening, eleven baby Unis crying, ten Trumpets playing, nine copies of “The Night Before the Night Before the Night Before the Day of Giving” gathering dust, eight Wraiths destroying, seven AAAs gaming, six peas attacking, five Golden Rings! Four Puppyblews, three Brain Hot Dogs, two Zombie Slorgs and a Weewoo in a dead ttttttttrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

      Wise Old King: That... That was a rallentando!

      Grumpy Old King: A rallen what?

      Wise Old King: Rallentando. It means they slowed down. It can signify the end of a song.

      Grumpy Old King: Does that mean what I think it means? Is it over?

      Wise Old King: I sure hope it’s over. I’ll never get those precious minutes of my life back.

      Announcer: And now, for our next act, we have the Mystery Island Choir singing, “The Twelve Days of Gadgadsbogen.”

      Grumpy Old King and Wise Old King: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!

      Wise Old King: Last one out is a Pile of Rotten Neggs!

     Author’s note: This article was to first appear in the Day of Giving Issue a few years back. A trophy was awarded, but the article never appeared. Two subsequent years this article was submitted too late. Many thanks to the NT editor, and I’m so happy this article finally found its home in this issue of many holidays!