Back To School... Ugh!

     Yes boys, girls, and Neopets of all ages. It’s that favorite (sarcasm) time of year once again! You know what it is, you can tell it by the smell in the air! *sniff* * sniff* *cough* No, not burning leaves and apple cider… chalk dust and pencil shavings! It’s back to school time once again! (Well not actually for Neopets, because the schools haven’t opened yet… but that is a whole different article). Summer vacation is over, time to pack up your flip flops, and dust off your sneakers. Gym class is just around the corner. Hey! Stop throwing things! It’s not my fault; I didn’t make the school calendar. If I had my way, it would be summer break all year long! I know that would mean there would be a lot of dumb people roaming the streets, but you can’t have it all! I’m just here as your friendly Neopian guide to the return of learning! Think of me as the Guru of Geography, the Houdini of Home Ec., the Maestro of Music Class… but I digress.

     Now, one of the most important things to remember before heading back to school, is to have a nice, long list of lies, um, excuses as to why your homework is NOT done. To help you be at your most believable when delivering said lie, I mean excuse, I have a handy list for you to choose from. Never, and I do mean never, leave home without it. This could possibly be the most important piece of paper you will have ever owned. Just make sure to choose wisely. Picking the perfect lie, um, excuse for each teacher is a delicate, but important operation. Think about the teacher this lie, I mean excuse is going to be given to/used on. Pick the one that suits your teacher’s personality. That said; let’s start those lies, I mean excuses flowing:

     1. My Puppyblew ate my homework. Now we all know that this one is a time honored tradition. It’s an all-purpose, hard to prove wrong lie, I mean excuse. The teacher doesn’t actually know that you don’t even have a Puppyblew. It was really a Slorg!

     2. Sloth’s Ray Gun turned it into a pile of sludge. Put a little dirt in a Ziploc; add a little water, mix and voila-there’s your proof! One baggie of sludged homework coming right up! Besides, who doesn’t love to blame Sloth, your not so average bad guy villain?

     3. The Pant Devil stole it. I don’t really know why he would want to steal some stupid pieces of paper, when he could just wait for you to buy that cute little paint brush or really expensive Battledome weapon from the Hidden Tower, but it might work. If not, you’re on your own! Get ready to do some major explaining.

     4. The Ghost Lupe took his revenge on your homework. Okay, now this one may take some explaining. You tell the teacher that you were just innocently sitting at the bus stop, when along came the Ghost Lupe and ripped your Fire Faerie Backpack right off your arms. A couple of band-aids on your shoulders along with a few fake scars would be a nice added touch.

     5. The homework got caught in the web of the Spider Grundo. Now, there must not be a teacher alive that would expect you to rescue a few pieces of paper from something so disgusting. I would like you to note that this particular lie, I mean excuse, came to me as I watched one of those hideous eight-legged creatures crawl down my wall. I of course screamed and ran away! When it comes to creepy crawlies someone else has to do the gross stuff.

     6. The papers were taken by the Jelly Chia. There’s no way the teacher would be able to read them through the sticky mess, so you had to throw them away. Smearing some actual jelly all over yourself will make this one a bit more believable.

     7. Meuka slimed it. Ewww, gross. Enough said.

     8. Morguss cast a spell on you. Well of course this is believable; it was her vicious “Forget to Do Your Homework” spell. Anyone would be powerless against that.

     9. You went out dancing with the Court Dancer. Of course you wouldn’t be able to do homework after spending the evening partying. Sheesh, get real.

     10. The Tax Beast took it. This is what happens when you leave too many homework papers just lying around. The Tax Beast comes and takes them as payment. Next time put them in the bank, um, backpack, where they belong.

     11. Balthazar needed some quick NPs. Balthazar remembers what it was like to be taunted and tormented by all those bullies in school. While he realizes that it’s not actually your fault that his childhood was so incredibly painful, you make a nice easy target. If you hurry you might be able to bid on your homework in the Auctions. Good luck winning though.

     12. Count Von Roo decided he was hungry. It was late and you were hot and thirsty. The window was open so you could feel just a little of that nice cool breeze that all of your friends had been able to enjoy while you were stuck inside. You had been slaving over the keyboard for hours, no make that for days. Your freshly printed essay had just been plucked from the printer tray when you heard it. There was a slight rustle of the bedroom curtains. You didn’t see a thing, when all of a sudden… it happened! POOF! The Count appeared, gulped down your essay, page by page I might add, till it was gone. How can the teacher expect you to redo your homework after having been traumatized like that?

     And last but certainly not least:

     13. You ticked off someone on the boards, and they bombarded you with Piles of Dung just as you finished typing all 50 pages of it, single spaced, size 10 font of course. The teacher may then decide if smelly papers are really worth it or not, lol!

     Well my dear friends, we have now come to the end of today’s most timely article. I hope these lies; I mean excuses will help you all throughout the coming school year. If not, don’t blame me. I’m just the Guru of Geography… the Houdini of Home Ec. Oh never mind, I’m out of here!