The Adventures of Fanny in the Land of the Bizarre

     Fanny battled through the forest, and, after somehow not getting lost, she found herself at the walls of the courtyard. The walls were very large and intricate, with grey-purple stone blocks and aggressively angular arches. Realizing that she may be in the presence of royalty, she did her best to adopt a noble demeanour before traipsing inside. “My, what a remarkably fetching exterior,” she said to anyone who would listen. “This is clearly Neo-gothic, and very flamboyant.”

     “Ohh, sounds like the young miss has an eye for architecture,” said the Alien Aisha gardener as Fanny entered the yard; Fanny merely beamed at the compliment. “What’s a cute thing like you doing here?” She took her scythe and with precision slashed off another branch from the doughnutfruit tree she had been tending.

     Fanny smiled and approached her. In a voice hardly above a hush, she said, “I am in search of the one they call, the Game,” Fanny replied, attempting to sound shrewdly clandestine.

     “Ohh, you’re one of them!” The gardener said with surprise. “And so young, too!”

     The Ixi curtsied. “I am but one score less three squared,” she replied with a bow. “I am Fanny, explorer of new worlds, and seeker of elusive berries.”

     “Ohh, so that explains it.” The gardener set down her scythe and scaled Fanny from head to hoof. “You must be competing for the prize!”

     The Ixi blinked. “Why, of course!” she replied with a grin. “I have come from far away, and that prize shall be mine today!” Fanny struck a victory pose. “But, er,” she added, her grin wavering only slightly, “do you mind reminding me what the prize is?”

     The Aisha clapped her hands. “Ohh, it’s nothing short of the keys to this Queendom – an Aquaberry!”

     Fanny had to pick her jaw off the fresh spring grass. Her eyes went alight with possibilities. “Yes, I most certainly will win that Aquaberry!”

     “Ooh, well, good luck to you, miss,” the gardener finished warmly before pruning another branch. “If you know your Gourmet Club Bowls as well as you know your architecture, you have a good shot!”

     “Why, thank you,” Fanny replied with a smile before she bid the gardener farewell.

     Shortly thereafter, the Ixi came across another gardener, another Alien Aisha. She was likewise pruning the branches of a doughnutfruit tree – though because all she had was a gavel, it was not going very successfully. “Ahh, who approaches?” the Aisha asked.

     “It is I, Fanny,” announced Fanny. “Fanny, an adventurer, and future winner of an Aquaberry.”

     “Ahh, I’ve never heard of you before this moment,” said the gardener neutrally. “Though, I don’t suppose you have a scythe?”

     “Unfortunately, I cannot help you with your lack of sharp object,” replied Fanny with remorse. “However, perhaps you can take this horn?” The Ixi held the instrument out to her. “If you blow on it, it will make you grow much bigger. Perhaps that will make it easier to prune the branches?”

     “Ahh, why thank you!” She gleefully accepted it. “And thanks for taking some interest in me anyway, oh traveller.”

     “You are welcome! And remember to suck on it to shrink again.” Fanny paused; “Also, why do all the gardeners tend so closely to the doughnutfruit trees?” she asked with great curiosity.

     “Ahh, Princess runs a doughnutfruit empire,” the Aisha elaborated. “We prune the branches that do not bear fruit, so the rest may – sometimes one hundred-fold, sometimes sixty, and sometimes thirty.” She glanced down at her gavel. “Of course, the ratio tends to be higher if proper tools are used, but I lost my scythe and have not yet earned it back.” She shrugged. “Why Princess allows this sort of productivity-hampering punishment I haven’t the foggiest. I can’t well effectively hammer the branches off.”

     “Noted. Quite right, oh gardener,” said Fanny. “Perhaps you can talk to Princess about this matter.”

     “Ahh, not I,” said the Aisha. “I am but a humble gardener clone, I have no place confronting Princess.” She paused. “Well, I prefer to call us clones – not ‘drones’ as Princess calls us lot.”

     Fanny nodded slowly and felt a strange dread growing at this apparent revelation that the gardeners were clones. “Fascinating. Well, best of luck to you, and farewell,” she said.

     “Ahh, ‘ta!”

     The Ixi soon found another identical Alien Aisha gardener, this one painting a brown doughnutfruit blue. “Hello, I am Fanny, what are you doing?” she inquired.

     “Hmm, hello Fanny, I am Gardener 426-Alpha-Pi.” She grinned widely at the Ixi. “It’s nice for someone to take notice of my chores! For Princess, any relatively inexpensive doughnutfruit – such as this Pineapple one here – gets painted like one of the Fish variety. Highly lucrative, is it not?”

     Fanny frowned. “Isn’t that cheating?”

     “Hmm,” replied the gardener, visibly disturbed. “Princess does not cheat, and I would rather you not insinuate such. She makes the rules; she cannot break them.”

     Fanny’s frowned deepened. Perhaps she would not like the Princess after all. “Well, thank you for your time. However, do you know your way to the Game? The, er, Gourmet Club Bowls?”

     “Hmm, why yes, I believe I do.” The Aisha pointed to the western wall. Go through the main archway there and you will find the Game.”

     “Thank you, oh Apple Pie.” She curtsied at her and departed.

     A short jaunt away, Fanny met another clone. This Aisha seemed to be sniffling, as though suffering from a terrible head cold. “I am Fanny,” the Ixi said as she boldly approached.

     The alien sniffled; Fanny could see the moisture droplets on her helmet. “Err, are you the protagonist of this world?” she asked before sneezing.

     This took the Ixi aback; “By what do you make this claim?” she inquired inquisitively.

     “Err, clearly you are here to defeat Princess?” She sneezed again.

     Fanny stood straight and then struck a magical girl pose. “I will defeat her at Bowls, and gain the Aquaberry for myself!”

     “Err, thank heavens!” the Aisha squeed before applauding her disposable gloved-paws. “She has been a tyrant for too long. What a happy evening!”

     “And by what well-wishes are vested in me as the protagonist,” continued Fanny, “I hope you can soon defeat your virus!”

     The Aisha bowed humbly toward Fanny. “Err, though,” she started as she looked up at the young girl, “it would help if you had many tiny sickles that you could give to my antibodies. That, or tiny daggers and throwing asterisks. Any of those would help me fight the disease, methinks.”

     Fanny nodded slowly. “I… will let you know if I come across any.” She grinned sheepishly at the Aisha and bowed her adieu. “Farewell Miss.”

     En route to the arch, Fanny saw a floating horn. Upon scrutinizing it, she realized it to be her Petpet friend from earlier. “Hello, Cyodrake,” she greeted warmly.

     “Hello,” came its slithery voice, before its eye and grin appeared. “It’s nice to see you were successful in your ambitions to grow.”

     “Thank you very much for your assistance with that matter,” said Fanny with a humble bow.

     “You are most welcome.” The rest of the Cyodrake came into view. “Anyway, I have come—”

     “Come to hear more poetry?” Fanny asked expectantly.

     “Er, no.” The Petpet smiled sheepishly up at the Ixi. “I came to warn you. There are wild forces at play, here – they will seem most bizarre to the uninitiated, like yourself.”

     Fanny crossed her arms. “I hear the Princess cheats.”

     “Everyone cheats, at least a little,” the Petpet said with a thin smile. “That will not be your biggest problem. Have you ever played Gourmet Club Bowls before?”

     “No.”

     “Even better,” the Cyodrake hissed pleasantly. “At its simplest – get your bowl close to the jack. Now please, enter… and remember that nothing is quite as it seems.”

     “So, just go in and try to survive the silliness?” asked Fanny.

     The Cyodrake disappeared, but for the tip of its tail.

     “Noted. That was your point.”

     Fanny held her nose as high as she could – the universal sign of pomp and privilege, so she had observed – and walked inside.

     CHAPTER VIII: A MOST BIZARRE GAME

     As soon as she entered, she was greeted by the Turtum she had met at Meri Acres. “Finally,” said the Petpet, “our last player has arrived!”

     All eyes were on Fanny. The Ixi started at seeing the Petpet, yet she stood with feigned bravado. “Well I should hope I’m the last player, given you greeted me with such finality.”

     The Turtum smiled at her. A dark smile… Fanny was quite unnerved by this smile. She did not like it, much more than one bit – she did not like it for all of its bits. Had the Turtum known Fanny was in this strange world, the whole time? Did she know she would end up here, eventually?

     There was a huge table of gourmet food laid out – more food than Fanny could ever dream of eating in her lifetime. With great determination, Fanny stole a bite of an Angry Cinnamon roll (before it had the chance to bite her) and stuffed her mouth with a Zibblifruit (it was an irresistibly pretty shade of blue). It all tasted amazing… though she did not expect a cinnamon roll to taste like a mint salad, nor a Zibblifruit to have a butter pecan flavour. Nevertheless, she was sure that all of this was much more nutritious than anything at Club Random.

     As she bit down into a Maple Syrup Negg – and felt the odd sensation of a complete lack of taste, with only a sweet burn down her throat – a piercing voice cut through the sounds of the feast and chitchat.

     “Silence!” it bellowed from the other side of the field. Fanny spun her head to see a Grey Faerie sitting on a silver-purple throne that was twice the faerie’s size. She had a neutral expression, and large, baleful eyes.

     It had to be Princess.

     Everyone, now completely silent, stared back at the faerie.

     “I said, SILENCE!” she commanded exactly 13.4666 seconds later.

     “But… no one was talking,” Fanny replied, a defiant edge to her voice.

     Immediately, Princess smiled wickedly at her, showing her large fangs. “Good then,” she started as she stood from her throne. “It is time to play. Best of luck – you’ll need it.” She turned her head and gave Fanny a menacing look.

     The Ixi merely smiled and bowed. “It will be an honour to play you. Oh,” she added, looking up at her, “and Leopold sends his regards.”

     Princess grinned even wider, and somehow more intimidatingly. “And you can send that nihilistic nimbag my regrets.”

     On her way to her first game, Fanny saw it – the Aquaberry. Her eyes went wide with excitement. As though sent by a higher power, it was enclosed under bulletproof glass, with a card reading “For the ruler” placed beside the case. Fanny stiffened with resolve; she was going to be the winner of that prize.

     In her first game, Fanny took her bowl – which was more like a saucer – and hurled it toward the white jack. Her opponent, a sentient Bleeding Heart, did the same. Fanny was closer – but then the jack suddenly turned into a piece of cheese and rolled away! Much closer to her opponent’s bowl, which itself was more like a tea-spork.

     The Ixi seethed. She picked up another bowl, preparing to dive left and toss it; but when she threw it, it became a stream of gravy. Luckily for her, there were some fries on the field, and once the gravy hit the fries, the cheese that was the jack rolled happily over. Her opponent could do nothing about it, and Fanny won the game.

     In her next game, Fanny’s bowls were a series of Plumpies. The extra rule of the game was that she had to bowl her Plumpies from the lightest to the heaviest weight. Her opponent, Santa, picked one up and, with a tremendous curve, got it very close to the jack, which this time masqueraded as a missing sock.

     Fanny picked up her bowls and found the obvious lightest one. However, it castigated her, saying, “Hey, we all the weigh the same!”

     The Ixi was taken back. “I do not think so, you seem to be the lightest one.”

     “Remember, weight is an illusion,” the least plump Plumpy replied. “We may have different masses, but our weights will change depending on our gravitational environment.” The Plumpy grinned at her widely. “Trust me.”

     Fanny thought about this. “Well, alright,” she commented as she picked up all the Plumpies and bowled them simultaneously. Though she did not get as close as her opponent to the jack, Santa was thereafter disqualified for not obeying the rules.

     The Ixi gave a sigh of relief. This was becoming challenging. Even more challenging than the time she tried to stand on her head whilst playing the National Anthem of Meridell on her kazoo – a strenuous feat, especially considering such an anthem did not exist.

     She played another game here. Another there. All of sorts of craziness and chaos manifested in the meanwhile – from floating towels marked with twos and twos squared, to a tornado made of canned fruit and gelatin, to the theme song being sliced, diced, and played in reverse, to a temporarily game-breaking buffer overflow (they had to restore the game state from a saved copy). Yet, Fanny managed to stay at the top of her bracket.

     By now, the young girl had caught the attention of Princess. This next round was the semifinals – and if she pulled this off, Fanny knew whom she would be competing against for that berry. The Ixi gave the grey faerie a sweetly competitive grin. The faerie vaguely raised an eyebrow at Fanny, as though unsure how to react, or what level of attention to give.

     Fanny’s next game was earmarked by uncertainty, and by many holes on the game-field. She tossed a bowl, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. When she looked at where she wanted it to go, it didn’t seem to move at the velocity she had thrown it; conversely, when she threw it at the velocity she desired, it moved in a completely different direction.

     Luckily, her opponent – a disgruntled Yooyu eating a big dish of halo-halo topped with star anise – was having an equally tough time, likewise being unable to get their bowls anywhere near the existential mid-life crisis that the jack currently called itself.

     Fanny picked up the last bowl of the round, her bowl; the bowl had taken the form of something that cannot be mentioned on a children’s website, and which made Fanny blush profusely. The Ixi closed her eyes. She remembered something, she remembered this exact scenario – that, upon releasing the bowl, before she opened her eyes to see where the bowl was, it would be at all positions on the field simultaneously. She just had to picture it at the right one – the position right beside the jack.

     Mustering all her might and what limited control of universal principals she had, she tossed her bowl – and when she opened her eyes, she saw that she had been victorious.

     Fanny struck another victory pose. “I’ve done it!” she called out, giggling. “I’m in the finals! That Aquaberry is as good as mine.” She beamed widely.

     Princess finished her game as well and strode over to the Ixi. The faerie looked the Neopet square in the eyes. “I do admit,” she started, “I did not think much of you when first I saw you. I thought you would be eliminated in the first round.” She grinned aggressively as she strode and picked up her bowl.

     The young Neopet smiled and swaggered to the game-field. “Why thank you. But,” she added with cool hubris, “I always knew it would be you and I, here and now.”

     The faerie’s grin disappeared. “Then let’s get underway.”

     At once, pure chaos erupted. The field was torn in three, the jack floated combatively into the air, and the gourmet food all about was turned to gold. Static streaked across the sky, and Fanny found herself unable to even lift her bowl – it must have been thrice as heavy as a leaden Turmaculus!

     “Isn’t it glorious?” came Princess’s bitterly saccharine voice, unadulterated disarray flying around her, as Fanny watched on in horror. “Thermodynamics, relativity, entropy – it is the reason for and meaning of life itself, to bring our plane of reality further and farther into disorder!” She cackled. “I am a vessel of progress, merely accelerating the chaos that the universe has always predestined, fulfilling the laws that ‘pets have tried to understand for millennia but that have always been just outside their cerebral grasp!”

     At this, the faerie began to change. Her hair started to droop, and her skin started to melt. She was becoming the picture of Fanny’s wildest nightmares – even worse than her nightmare about technological-driven gentrification coming to the Ixi’s homeland and upsetting the traditional way of life.

     “You evil witch! What have you done?” Fanny shrieked.

     The ruined faerie gasped, taken aback. “Evil? I’m not evil – merely an agent of instability!” She chuckled lightly. “I’m just doing what I do,” she replied, her voice slowing and dropping several pitches, yet simultaneously growing to a piercing crescendo, “sewing the seeds of discord, and turning the tide against conniving little girls who think they can enter this world and dethrone me.” The grey faerie cackled wickedly and then displayed her rows upon rows of impossibly sharp teeth. She carelessly tossed her bowls and they all gravitated like homing missiles, stopping to hover right next to the jack. “Your move – if you can even find the strength to pick up your bowl!”

     Fanny’s face contorted with confusion. “Dethrone…” And then her eyes widened as a realization hit her harder than a huge sack of Neggs – even ones that are actually mechatronic under their thin layer of artificial skin.

      whoever possessed that Aquaberry ruled over the land.

     “Wait!” Fanny called, panic rising in her voice. “I swear, I’m not trying to—”

     But she was interrupted by the Turtum, who came onto the field and yelled, “HALT!”

     Immediately, everything went back to normal. This included the now non-deformed Princess, who harshly asked, “What is it, Countess?”

     The Turtum wailed. “The Aquaberry has been eaten!”

     A collective gasp erupted from all the players.

     “And I know who stole it and committed the heinous act!” continued the Countess as she turned to face the youngest player, the one who was only eleven. “Fanny!”

     0CHAPTER IX: THE WAY, A.K.A. WHO STOLE THE AQUABERRY?

     Fanny gaped, a scowl behind her shock. “I did nothing of the sort!” she barked as she turned to face the Turtum. “You are lying, you foul Countess!”

     “I did nothing of the sort,” mockingly rebutted the Turtum. “You stole and ate the Aquaberry, so that you might reign as the new Princess over this land forever!”

     “Tut tut,” cautioned the Princess. “We shall convene court at once: Fanny vs. the Aquaberry Queendom.”

     Lightning crashed to the earth, and suddenly Fanny found herself in a courtroom – although, the Ixi supposed all rooms here were courtrooms, given she was presumably still in the bounds of Princess’s court.

     “Welcome,” announced Princess, looking from her sharp nails up to the gathered crowd, “to the Weigh.” She sat presiding behind a tall pulpit, opposite to Fanny, who stood on a large circular scale built into the wooden floor.

     The Ixi looked down and around, observing just where she was. It then dawned on her – she had misheard WEIGH for WAY and misunderstood the whole time. The Weigh was nothing but a scale, likely for evidentiary purposes, and part of a courtroom. Fanny thought back to her discussions with others, and it all made sense! Especially why all those she had encountered seemed so wary of her visiting such a place…

     Fanny looked around the room, at the empty faces of the Gourmet Club Bowls players. Was this her jury? Did she even get a jury? Were they here only to ridicule her? Or to watch the carnage…

     “Countess,” commanded Princess. “Read the charges.”

     The Turtum cleared her throat.

     “For wandering into this beautiful land,

     For feeding escap’d criminals from her hand,

     And butchering poetry oh once so grand,

     Of this we accuse oh poor Fanny.

     For breaking and entering, stealing a horn

     For breaking a bridge that the whole world will mourn

     To drowning a Snorkle – how savage, forlorn!

     Of this we accuse oh poor Fanny.

     For heckling standups whose jokes are well-known

     To spreading anti-Princess word ‘mongst the drones,

     To eating, unseating Princess from her throne,

     Of this we accuse oh poor Fanny.

     I’ve known since the Farm – her intentions were clear –

     She did covet the berry – she’d called it ‘most dear’,

     And now I dare say her life’s end doth grow near…

     Goodbye, oh goodbye, poor young Fanny.”

     The Turtum just grinned insidiously at the captive young girl. Fanny glared daggers back at her.

     “You have heard the charges. What do you have to say for yourself, Fanny?” barked Princess.

     Well… everything they had said about her was true! They just cast her kindhearted helpfulness and curiosity in the worst possible light. The realization that Fanny seemingly could not win this case chewed inside her like a Dark Chocolate Acara would chew through her Puppyblew. She felt small – and she felt herself start to shrink, until she couldn’t have been more than a few inches tall.

     Hissed the Princess, cantabile: “The princess had

     Her berry, glad

     To rule o’er near and far.

     But Fanny came,

     And stole the same,

     So she could be the star.”

     “I swear!” Fanny pleaded. “I did not eat your berry! I don’t want to rule this land, I hardly know it!”

     The faerie grit her teeth at the tiny girl, and pointed a bony finger at her. “You’re full of hot air!”

     At once, Fanny’s stomach blew up like a balloon.

     The members of the seeming jury gasped and started to chitter amongst themselves. “Well look at that, she looks just like an Aquaberry!” they said.

     “I present,” started the Turtum, turning toward the Ixi, “Exhibit F: Fanny herself. She looks just like, and is the same size as, an Aquaberry – and you know the saying, ‘you are what you eat.’” The Petpet grinned proudly, menacingly, knowingly, down at Fanny – as though the case were over.

     Fanny glared at her, seething. And then she narrowed her eyes even more, scrutinizing her… wait, was that something in the Turtum’s teeth? Fanny gasped as she realized the reflective liquid. Could it be – remnants of the Aquaberry? The real Aquaberry?

     She bet that Petpet set her up! The Countess must have asked countless ‘Pets from Fanny’s world if they knew the Way – just waiting until someone managed to follow her inside. Then, the conniving Turtum could eat the berry herself and instead accuse the poor unfortunate creature that found themself at the Weigh.

     The Ixi opened her mouth to speak this revelation, but another voice came first.

     “Oh Princess,” the voice slithered. Fanny turned and relief washed over her as she realized it was her helper, the Cyodrake.

     Princess turned to face the one-eyed Petpet. “Yes, Advocate?”

     “It is time for the Weigh,” said the Petpet. “And I mean THE Weigh.”

     The faerie turned and looked at Fanny, scrutinizing her. Then she turned back and looked at the Cyodrake. “Advocate, you know that if you are wrong, you will be replaced and removed – by means of hanging.”

     The Petpet gave one firm nod of agreement. “You know my track record.”

     Princess nodded back. “Very well. You did excel at shotput.” She returned her gaze at the diminutive Ixi. “Let’s see,” she started slowly, “whether the claims brought against oh poor Fanny are correct.”

     The Cyodrake nodded at Fanny reassuringly; the Neopet smiled, her first genuine smile since the trial began.

     The Advocate pressed a few buttons on the control panel behind which she sat, and a few moments later, announced, “The reading is complete. First of all – she does currently weigh within the 95% confidence interval of known weights for Aquaberries in this world.” At this, those in the room gasped, and Fanny grimaced. “However,” the Cyodrake quickly cut that thought short, “the highly complex and incredibly deep neural network – so cerebral that mere mortals cannot begin to understand how it works, and can only glimpse into its moral teachings a posteriori – has weighed the sins against the merits of our accused.” She paused for dramatic effect as the room turned to an unbreathing silence. “And we find her… almost completely innocent.”

     More gasps from the crowd. Fanny beamed and squeed.

     “Wait, wait,” started Princess, banging her scythe against the pulpit. She narrowed her gaze at the Advocate. “What do you mean ‘almost’?”

     “Although,” the Cyodrake started her reply, “she has been found to begrudge and perhaps even envy the ignorant simplicity of her NeoSchoolmate Susan, she also hates classic futuristic electronica… Which balances out her soul.”

     At this, Fanny leapt gleefully into the air as applause swept through the courtroom. She had won! With some help from that Cyodrake and forces beyond her own levels of comprehension, she had emerged victorious. And she grinned determinedly. She knew who really committed the—

     “WAIT,” rang Princess’s shrill voice.

     “Yes,” said the Advocate calmly in reply. “I just did perform a weight.”

     “No,” responded Princess, her wicked grin growing larger once more, before turning to face both the Advocate and the Countess. “She did not SUCCESSFULLY usurp my authority, correct?” The faerie raised an eyebrow.

     The Petpets raised their three eyebrows in response. “Yes,” said the Cyodrake. “This is true.”

     “BUT,” continued Princess, “that still means that she can be charged for ATTEMPTING to usurp my authority.” The faerie started to cackle.

     “No!” started the Cyodrake with fearful fury.

     “Indeed!” simultaneously and sickeningly stated the Turtum.

     Fanny gasped and felt her panic rise. Despite all that happened, she was STILL going to lose? She scowled as anger emboldened her; she should have remembered that Princess cheats.

     The faerie’s expression was cold – colder than a private investigator mixing metaphors atop Terror Mountain, thought Fanny.

     Through an icy smile, the ruler continued her poem: “But Princess grins;

     She always wins!

     Without further ado,

     Let it be sang,

     ‘Fanny will hang!’

     For her attempted coup.”

     Fanny glanced back at her Advocate, who looked remorsefully and defeatedly at her. The Ixi sighed; she could tell by her comrade’s expression that the decision was final. This situation seemed even more dire to Fanny than the time she met Illusen at the public toilets and accidentally called the Earth faerie “Mom.”

     “Someone needs to hang for the crimes committed this evening… Executioner,” Princess sang, as the Korbat from the chaotic household drifted up to Fanny.

     Despair grew in the Ixi as she noted the identity of the Executioner. “But what about justice!?” she cried.

     “Silly Ixi,” Princess retorted, folding her arms. “I am ‘Justice’.”

     The Korbat clown glared down at Fanny, grinning. “Oy, I’m gonna enjoy takin’ ya’ out after humiliatin’ me in front a’ da’ Mistress before.”

     The Ixi summoned her strength and bit his foot.

     “Ack! Ya’ wee debil!” the Korbat said as he placed a glass jar over her and scooped her up.

     Through the jar’s trippy fisheye effect, she gazed apprehensively down at the Cyodrake, who just blinked back at her… or was it a wink? Fanny frowned pensively, before turning toward Princess.

     The grey faerie rubbed her hands together in vile expectation. “I sentence thee, oh poor Fanny, to hang for your crimes of an attempted coup against the ruler of the Aquaberry Queendom!” To be continued…