Investigation on Roo Island: Dice-A-Roo

How many times have you dejectedly selected the Press me button because you unluckily “rolled” a Game Over? How MANY annoying Roo minions have bounced around you, taunting you with phrases like ‘Tra la la’, ‘191273 is such a lot of Neopoints!’, and ‘I’m hungry!’ ??? HOW MANY PICKLED PEPPERS DID PETER POOGLE PICK?!?!

Well, it was one too many Game Overs for me that day. I needed to find out some things. All these questions, and many more will be answered in this solemn article about a twofaced King possibly more evil than Doctor Sloth. Little did I know that even more than what I needed to know if I knew what I know now that I actually had the chance to interview King Roo and all my questions would be answered. Let’s start at the origin of this insane villainy… Roo Island.

Seems like a pretty happy place, eh? Maybe to the less observant. If you ask me, it’s a little TOO happy. And so, I began my search, traveling from the twice-daily ferry service provided by Neopia Central. As soon as I got on the boat I knew something was in the wrong, because I was forced to pay a 30 NP fee. This was King Roo’s doing. Maybe. I had to stay on a low profile.

The ferry came to a halt, and I whispered to the Roo captain, “Couldja be so kind as to direct me to the King’s lair of dirty evi--... palace of jolliness?”

He looked at me funny and said, “Yeah. His palace is the big blue Blumaroo-shaped castle that takes up half of the island and towers above the clouds, shadowing our ferry right now. It’s in front of us. You really can’t miss it.”

Perfect. I’d tricked him into telling me the location. I slipped him 5 Neopoints in a handshake.

“Err... I don’t want this.” He looked at me funny again. Hah. He was playing along. I nodded and gave him a thumbs up before trotting away.

I whipped out my Neopian Times notebook and scrawled down his exact directions. With an NT quill. While drinking out of an NT mug. And sitting on an NT beanbag chair, wearing an ‘I love the NT’ T-shirt. I placed my NT quill into an NT pencil case. Then I remembered something and I threw the NT notebook and NT quill and NT mug and NT beanbag chair and NT pencil case into the ocean because I was supposed to be on a low profile. Unfortunately I couldn’t take off my NT shirt, because that would be wrong. I searched through my backpack for some of my secret-agent wear and slipped a Valentines Day t-shirt on top. Just to be safe I licked a Tyrannian Blumaroo stamp from my backpack and stuck it on my forehead to show I wasn't an enemy.

Time to look for the face of evil, King Roo. I started by slinking around in Grandma Roo’s café to look for evidence of something which I really couldn’t place. Or maybe I was hungry, it’s too far back to recall. All of a sudden something touched my shoulder. I whipped my head around and yelled “WHO’S THERE?”

An older-looking Roo wearing an apron with the nametag “Grandma Roo” on it stared at me, and as I stealthily glanced around the room I realized most of the Roos in the building were also looking at me. This was a test, I knew it. King Roo sent them to stare me down and test my wits. Pshh. As if I could break down. I stared at each of them until they looked away, with a sense of triumph. Even the old rude Grandma was snapping her fingers in my face and trying to make me blink. She was on HIS side. “Honey?” she called. I stared at her with bug eyes, just in case she was part of the test. “Erm... firstly, can you stop crawling around under the tables? A couple is trying to eat in peace here and it’s hard to when you’re looking at them like that. Secondly... you want to see my son, don’t you?”

The old lady completely caught me off guard. I forgot all about everything else and focused my attention on her. “Why would I want to see your son?” I arched one eyebrow, then arched the other. Ooh. Intimidating.

“Oh, I just thought you might because you’re wearing a Neopian Times backpack and your shirt has a big hole in it. I assumed you were a writer, because they’re sometimes a bit quirky. The press is always coming for interviews with King Roo.”

AUGHH, SHE KNEW KING ROO! “EVIIIIILLLLLLLLL!!”

My cover was blown. Time for plan B.

“But.. but.. what are you talking about, old lady?” I took her glasses off and dunked them in a customers coffee cup so she wouldn’t see my escape. But first I needed to sound convincing.

“I AM NOT A TIMES WRITER! YOU CAN’T PROVE IT! PROVE IT! CAN YOU PROVE IT?” Time to jet. I jogged out the door.

Before I got very far however, two important looking Roos grabbed both of my arms. After the mayhem Grandma Roo caused inside the coffee shop, I was confused. What were these two guys up to, and why were they wearing funny hats?

“…Do you likkle Roos wanna play Red Rover?” I crooned. “Sorry, but I have big people business right now.” The Roo on the left stared at me. Holy cheese, what is WITH Roos and staring at you? How rude.

“Do you see my uniform? That’s a BADGE. We’re the palace guards and we’re taking you to King Roo.”

“Why would you take me to King Roo for?” I asked, while alternating arched eyebrows.

“Because you’re a Times writer and you’ll get ONE interview, once it’s over you’ll hopefully be off our island. Now let’s move.”

“Oh yeah? OH YEAH? Well, fine, you can take me to King Roo. But you did NOT prove I’m a Times Writer, henceforth I win. You did not PROVE the PROOF that could not be PROVEN! Did you prove the proof that has not been prov--...”

The police-Roos talked amongst themselves above my shouting. “Well, she’s a bit wired. Like all NT writers.”

As I was dragged along, a group of spotted Blumaroos got in my face. “So, have YOU adopted a Blumaroo yet?”

“No. I don’t like Blumaroos because your King’s a weenie.”

……...

“Boing!”

“I’m hungry!”

“My tail hurts.”

“Blumaroos love Nachos, I bet you didn't know that!”

“So, have YOU adopted a Blumaroo yet?”

“STOP THE MADNESS!!!” I screamed half an hour later, trying to run away.

“Uh. Okay. We’re here, I’m going. This kid scares me.” One of the guards left.

Well, here we were. At the palace. THE palace. I was going in. The Roo got in my face and said loudly and clearly, “Follow this corridor and ONLY this one. We’ll escort you far, far away from here when the interview is over. Got it?”

I threw a cookie at him to show my understanding, and trotted down the corridor. Before I pushed open the door to the King’s room, I searched through my spy-bag for my favorite treats, Vanilla Blumaroo Biscuits. Handy for the hungry. And with that, I stuffed half a biscuit in my mouth and stepped into the King’s throne room. Dun dun dun.

At first I didn’t see anyone there. Just a sunshiny room with flowers and rich pictures hung on the walls. Innocent? Hardly. I’m pretty sure the sunshine was supposed to melt me, and the flowers were there to give visitors allergies. Behind the pictures were Blumaroos closely watching in a neighboring room. Everything I said or did had to be smooth. I heard a creak and whipped my head around, to see THE King, King Roo in all his splendor, settle down on his throne and smile upon me.

“Why, hello there, young reporter. I’m very glad to meet you, how do you like my kingdom so far?”

I was silent for a second, and then the shock was over:

“WHOA MY GOSH IT'S KING ROO CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH? YOU HAVE A FUNNY CROWN DOES YOUR FACE HURT FROM SMILING AND THE ROOS ARE MEAN TO ME I LIKE VANILLA BLUMAROO BISCUITS DO YOU?”

The King chuckled. “Take it easy, I have all the time in the world, because every day’s a holiday! Now, what’s the first question for the interview?”

So I took a breather. “I’ll be back in one second,” I told him. I went out to the area where the palace guard was loitering and waved perkily in his face. “Can I borrow your notepad?”

Time to start the interview.

Me: -whispering- Can’t let his artificial jolliness get to me... gotta break him down...

King Roo: -has smile plastered on face- You realize I can hear you from here, right?

Me: Oookaaaay, first question: I’ve been doing a little bit of research on you. –eyebrow arch– Is it true you used to be an evil bossy control-freak until the rigged game of Dice-A-Roo made you happy because you like stealing Neopoints from children?

King Roo: What..? But.. but..

Me: I SAID, IS IT TRUE???

King Roo: NO, no, no!

Me: Do you ever stop smiling?

King Roo: I’m never depres--

Me: Is that all you have to say?! So it IS true! AUGHHH! EVIIIILLLLLL!

King Roo: Let me explain, youngling. I used to be a very grumpy King, yes. There just wasn’t enough to do in my kingdom. And then a mysterious figure showed me this wonderful game, Dice-A-Roo, with magical dice. Every turn is a surprise, and forever after I learnt of this game, I’ve never been depressed or sulky ever again! I’m spreading joy to other Neopians, and not again will there be a day I stop smiling!

Me: Yeah? -slams slab of Blumaroo steak (my second favorite food next to Vanilla Blumaroo Biscuits) onto plate and bites a juicy hunk out of it- Zhat sfouns lihke eh gool game. Mmmff. Zhish ish ohhhh good. -swallows- Wanna try some?

King Roo: -smile falters- Err.. uh.. Ick. I really don’t think you should eat that.

Me: -stares at King and slowly chews steak- Uh-huh. I think it’s good, too. Okay, so can I play your game?

King Roo: -smile brightens up insanely- I AM KING ROO, WELCOME! NEW 10X JACKPOT MULTIPLIER BONUS for 1/10 GAMES!!! ONLY 5 Neopoints to play! Roll the dice and try to move on to the silver one! WOULDJA LIKETA PLAY??

Me: Okay. You don’t have to yell.

King Roo: You are not actually playing Dice-A-Roo yet! Only 5 Neopoints to play! WOULDJA LIKE TO PLAY?

Me: -edges away slowly- Um, yes. That’s why I asked.

(ATTENTION: SOME PARAGRAPHS BELOW SHOW A VERY RATIONAL AND SANE PART OF ME. DO NOT LET IT ALARM YOU.)

So, here I was, throwing these magical dice around and stuff. Simple game; you start off at the red die, proceeding to blue, than green, next yellow, and finally the silver one. Some added Neopoints to a pot, which you could take whenever you wanted, and others knocked Neopoints off from the pot. Some effects happen on each one. Sometimes in the later dice you get food, or items. The point is to try to land on the ‘good’ effects which you have no control over and finally, get the jackpot, one possible outcome on the silver die.

    While I was playing and getting spammed by these wacked Blumaroos wanting me to buy them nachos and wrestle the Monocerous, I realized that Dice-A-Roo is so appealing to people because of the chance to win so much at so little price. Tons of people easily blow off 100 Neopoints (20 games) which is next to nothing and win something or zilch, and not feel frustrated. Every time you see the Jackpot raised to 5 digits and then right under the easy “Let’s play! (5 NP)” button under it, it attracts people because Dice-A-Roo isn’t impossible. You probably have wasted a lot of more time and Neopoints than you think here, but we don’t see that because it’s different from the Jackpot from scratchcards or Jackpot from slot machines. This jackpot looks POSSIBLE for everyone. You have to know when to stop and earn some real Neopoints, and think sensibly. I mean, every single one-second refresh have hundreds of people clicking the Play button. How many times does someone win? A couple of minutes. Don’t always think “it could be me!” because now you're thinking the same thing as the other thousands who blow off time on gambling. The only reason King Roo looks so happy is because he didn’t pay squat when he played with his magic dice. Okay, well, that’s over. Back to the real story.

King Roo: -still has a smile plastered on his face-

Me: Why did you introduce the game of Dice-A-Roo to the world?

King Roo: I had so much fun with this game and I felt that giving the gift of happiness was my sole duty.

Me: Dude. Losing ain’t fun.

King Roo: But at some points, you did get food, didn’t you?

Me: Uh-huh, from the Neopian Food Shop. Good stuff. How did you get a hold of all that food anyway?

-Group of shadow Blumaroos wearing masks stealthily stride into room with bags slung over their backs-

Masked Roo: Yo boss. We got the goods, pay up. Straight, fresh from Neop--

King Roo: THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME.

Me: -thinking- No wonder that store’s usually sold out of everything..

Me: I have an important question. If every few minutes someone wins your game, bu--

King Roo: THAT’S BECAUSE IN DICE-A-ROO, EVERYONE'S A WINNER!

Me: Uh. No. Every few minutes someone wins, bu--

King Roo: THAT’S BECAUSE IN DICE-A-RO--

Me: CAN YOU STOP DOING THAT?! Now. Someone wins every few minutes. But every second, hundreds of people lose. In like 10 minutes, how many winners do you have? You can count the total on your fingers. How many losers do you have? Enough to populate a flippin' country.

King Roo: That may be so, but are any of the Neopoints going to me? No, they go to the winner. -is jolly- BECAUSE IN DICE-A-ROO, EVERYON--

Me: Ohhh. So your enjoyment is out of watching hundreds of people get Game Over every second?

King Roo: Nawh, I always like to see the ecstatic people that win my games. -grins-

Me: You didn’t bring the gift of happiness to the world. You brought the frustration of losing and addiction of gambling. Shame, shame.

King Roo: ... That’s a downer. -plastered smile-

Me: Okay, whatever. You’re weird. Two more questions. What’s with the creepy Blumaroos that always bounce around and tell you annoying things while you’re playing? Are they your slave-clones or something?

King Roo: Oh, no, they’re just the happy-go-lucky Blumaroos that inhabit my island.

Me: -muttering- That says a lot about the average Roo Island brain-size.

King Roo: What?

Me: Last question. How many pickled peppers did Peter Poogle pick?

King Roo: That’s not a real question.

Me: Only because you don’t know.

King Roo: And you DO?

Me: -points- YOU SICKEN ME! EVIIIILLLL!

King Roo: That’s good. Well, interview’s over. -snaps fingers twice-

-same two palace guards march in-

Me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

-grabs King Roo’s scepter and dashes to dock-

Whew. Panting heavily, I was safe at last. And so, ends my encounter on Roo Island. I was done with these Blumaroos -- they’re just evil. Plain and simple. Before I loaded onto the dock, two of the many, many Roo-clones boing’d up to me.

"WHAT do you want?” I was so annoyed with these things I wanted to rip my hair out.

“My tail hurt--“

“Shh,” the other one interrupted it. “All hail!”

They both proceeded to kneel down. What the heck?

Ohhhhhhh, the scepter! Bwahaha. I still had it.

-eyebrow arch- Rebellion time.

xD Mission accomplished. Drimmeh OUT.

-does dive-roll and accidentally cracks head-

-theme plays-

Dun,dadun,dadun,dada DAA NAA dun,dadun,dadun,dada DAA NAA…