The Cook Shall Walk The Plank

     The yellow Kiko had always wanted to see the world beyond Kiko Lake. So when a beautiful lady Draik inexplicably named Tygerwing dropped by and asked him if he'd be interested in joining a group of 'anti-pirates' -- a term that Jangi later learned meant pirates that only stole from other pirates -- he'd jumped at the chance. At least, he would have if he'd had, you know, back legs.

     Which, as it happened, wasn't a problem anymore. One Pirate Aisha Morphing Potion later, and he did have back legs. And also a really bad case of Chickaroo, because that Pirate Aisha Morphing Potion had been brewed up by the first mate, a Techo named Marmalade Jack. Dashing rogue, monster trapper, expert in the supernatural, soldier of fortune...

     And also the absolute worst cook in the whole of Neopia.

     To give Jack credit, he HAD somehow managed to cure Jangi's Chickaroo. It had taken two attempts at Herbal Scrambled Eggs, but he'd done it. Still, the eggs had tasted horrible, and after a few days onboard the Leaky Washtub (the ship that lived up to its name), Jangi was determined that he was going to teach this Techo how food was actually cooked in Neopia, even if it killed him.

     It didn't, but it came unnervingly close on multiple occasions.

     ---

     DAY ONE

     "This omelette is rotten," Jangi said.

     "Nonsense," Jack answered. "Sure, it's got a bit of a smell to it, but it's nothing that a drop of Lime Elixir won't cure."

     "It stinks to Kredulor and its attracting flies," Jangi insisted. "It's hardly edible."

     But the Techo refused to listen, pouring an all-too-generous dose of the healing potion on the rancid eggs. "We'll cure the smell with a bit of Strawberry Rock Paste. I've never seen an omelette that I couldn't salvage."

     Jangi was fairly certain that the opposite was true, that Jack couldn't salvage an omelette if he had written instructions on the matter. But it was clear that the Techo was not open to reason, so the Aisha sighed and handed Jack what he thought, at the time, was the Strawberry Rock Paste.

     It wasn't. It was a Tagobo Potion, known for making shrunk things bigger.

     Which was why Jack and Jangi had to explain to a very irate Captain Tygerwing exactly why the entire kitchen was filled with the world's largest Rotten Omelette, and why it smelled slightly of lime.

     Okay, maybe not so slightly of lime.

     Dinner that night was Tyrannian Rock Bread with Squibble Berry Jam and the aforementioned Strawberry Rock Paste, which wouldn't have tasted all that bad if the crew hadn't been forced to deal with the stench coming from the kitchen. Even a generous spritzing of Eau de Korbat on the main deck couldn't cover up the scent of utter incompetence.

     Jangi was not looking forward to having to clean all that up.

     ---

     DAY TWO

     "So let me get this straight," Jangi said slowly. "You're serving a dish made with Waterfish, Water Jelly, and Tyrannian Water Beans?"

     "It's called a theme," Jack said, glaring at Jangi.

     Tygerwing's voice rang out from the upper deck. "It's also called 'Marmalade Jack had better not prove that he can literally burn water.'"

     "Hey!" Jack snapped. "I graduated at the top of my class from Bonju's Shenkuuvian Cooking Academy of Not Blowing Yourself Up!"

     "And somehow that only makes me feel worse."

     Jangi decided to quickly change the subject. "Also, I'm pretty sure this potato has gone mouldy. Please tell me you're not going to use a Lime Elixir on this one."

     "Nope!" Jack said. "I'm going to use a Lime Elixir AND an Ubikiberry Elixir! It's sure to work this time!"

     Jangi had to give Jack credit -- the combination of potions did have a striking effect on the potato. The striking effect being that the potato sprouted at an alarming pace, shot out vines, and attempted to strangle Jack and Jangi.

     At least Jack managed not to burn the Waterfish. It still tasted terrible, but it wasn't burnt, which was more than anyone could say for that potato once Captain Tygerwing got a hold of it.

     Jangi was going to have nightmares about that potato for a solid month.

     ---

     DAY THREE

     "No, I don't CARE what we won from the Tombola today," Jangi said wearily. "You are NOT mixing up a trifle with two Dirt Pies, a Grub Parfait, and a Cup O' Slime."

     Dinner went downhill from there.

     ---

     DAY FOUR

     "I'm just saying," Jangi said, "trying to pour out a Bag of Infinite Neggs into a soup pot is asking for trouble."

     "It'll be fiiiiiiiiine!" Jack insisted, despite the fact that every single time he'd said that before, he had been swiftly proved wrong. "What's the worst that could happen?"

     As the Techo picked up the bag, a strange bluish-grey mist seeped into the kitchen. In a matter of moments, the transparent spectre of the Ghost Lupe appeared, its red eyes staring deep into Jack's soul. The spirit uttered but a single word: "BEWARE!"

     And then it dissipated.

     Jangi gave Jack a look that said, "You're not going to ignore THAT, are you?"

     Unfortunately, he did.

     Which meant that fifteen minutes later, Jack had to explain to a very irate Tygerwing why the Leaky Washtub's kitchen was full of splattered Neggs and ectoplasm.

     Dinner that night was Negg Pie. Actually, dinner for several nights was Negg Pie, because somebody had to do something with all that raw material.

     Sadly, Marmalade Jack learning a valuable and permanent lesson from that experience was too much to ask.

     ---

     DAY FIVE

     "And this is...?" Jangi ventured, although quite frankly he was afraid to ask.

     Jack was particularly proud of himself. "An Omelette Turkey."

     "Made with turkey eggs?"

     "Possibly. Who knows what even lays those eggs that make the Giant Omelette."

     Jangi sniffed curiously at the strange concoction. "Jack, this is a Little Fishy Omelette."

     "So?"

     "So? You can't serve fish and call it a turkey. That goes against all known laws of taxonomic classification. And possibly health code violations."

     "I've been violating the health code since the day I was born," Jack bragged. "No one's arrested me yet!"

     More's the pity, Jangi thought.

     "So what's the side dish?" the Aisha asked, hoping it wasn't what he thought it was.

     "Tiny Edible Palm Trees," Jack bragged. "Served with Figcorn and chopped Spore Blossom."

     Well, that certainly wasn't what he thought it was. Jangi chose not to inquire further, for the sake of his sanity. And also to stick with the leftover Negg Pie when dinner, to no one's delight, eventually came.

     ---

     DAY SIX

     Jangi Jangi had to hand it to Marmalade Jack. The guy had actually admitted defeat, put a frozen Whole Chili Deluxe Pizza into the oven, and managed not to burn it for once.

     Unfortunately, Day Six was also the exact day that the Shadow Usul invited itself over and helped itself to the entire pizza cooling on the rack.

     As it so happens, one little Usul, even a Shadow Usul, cannot be reasonably expected to stomach a whole pizza of any type, yet alone a chilli pizza.

     What happened next, the crew swore an oath to never speak of again, but after that, Tygerwing decided to put a lock on the kitchen door, and it took all three of them to clean up the ship's bathroom afterwards.

     Nobody had much of an appetite that night.

     ---

     DAY SEVEN

     "Captain! Captain!" Jangi yelled at the top of his lungs. "A Jawshell just broke aboard the Leaky Washtub and ate my Halloween Lizark Plushie!"

     The Draik flinched. "Why in Neopia would a Jawshell eat a plushie?"

     Jangi glared at Marmalade Jack. "Well, if I had to guess, it must have smelled like the most edible thing on the ship!" The End.