When I Turned Grey

     When I was little, I had always been the golden child. Literally. In my entire family of Silver Acaras, I was the only Gold Acara. I had always felt like I was out of place. My parents doted on me, but they expected so very much, and I grew tired.

     One day, as I was breaking my curfew, I inadvertently fell into the Rainbow Pool, inadvertently knocking over a bucket of Grey Paint Brushes. I had never broken my curfew before–I was the golden child after all. All I had wanted was to have some time and space to myself, away from the constant attention. I knew they meant well. But, I did not feel well.

     I turned Grey. A pitiful, sorrowful shade of Grey. I embraced it. It reflected how I felt on the inside, and if you did not look closely enough, I finally seemed to blend in with the rest of my family. We were almost of the same colour, except I no longer shone. My parents did not embrace this change, but they would just look at me, and then look away, hiding their disappointment that I was no longer special.

     “How was your day, Jin-Na?” Mother asked, a little too eagerly.

     “The same,” I muttered.

     The light in my mother’s eyes extinguished. We continued eating, as silently as before. The only audible sounds came from Father’s slurping. I shot him a look, yet he continued, completely unbothered.

     I ate slowly. My parents finished their food quickly. They waited politely for me to finish. I did not look at them, and concentrated instead on my Egg Stew. Open mouth, food in, close mouth, chew – so the minutes passed. We did not know how to speak anymore. The words would not form.

     “I’m full. Thank you for dinner,” I whispered. I looked up. Mother exhaled and it seemed that the weight of Neopia sat on her shoulders.

     “I will do the dishes. You don’t need to help me–I am sure you are very tired,” Mother said. I gave her a weak smile.

     My parents watched as I left the kitchen and went to my room. I closed the door and sat on the floor. I stared blankly into space. If my eyes could, they would be burning holes into the air. Holes. That is what I had in me, deep in my heart. I could not explain it to myself. Holes were in my family. They were invisible. We could only feel them. The holes kept us distant. Every day, they grew larger. There was nothing we could do. We could only watch.

     It had not always been this way. We once belonged to one another. I had been everything to my family, and they had been everything to me. After I turned Grey, time either passed too quickly or too slowly, and suddenly we realised that a hole had formed. My family was on one side, while I was on the other. They tried to help me jump across the hole, but they did not succeed.

     I did not want to try anymore. I used to try. I had tried to tell them everything, how I felt and what I needed.

     They did not understand. They tried to understand, but they always looked so confused. You would have thought I had suddenly grown into the three-headed Luperus. I got tired of explaining and as time passed, I said less and less. At some point, I had forgotten how to speak. It felt like someone had given me Mouth Be-Gone. Even if I had wanted to jump across to their side, I did not know how. I did not want to go back anyway. Not anymore.

     In the city, I was my own person. At home, my parents treated me like a princess. I was the princess they did not really know, but for whom they were willing to sacrifice everything. I felt like I would suffocate. This made me feel ashamed of my ingratitude.

     But they had forgotten who I was. They had forgotten me.

     I knew how much my silence hurt them. They could only guess who I had become. All the same I did not speak, for speaking would break my heart. Speaking would confirm how alien we had become.

     I made up my mind. With an expressionless mien guarding my inner turmoil, I formulated the final details of my plans. I just wanted to go away. Away to a place where I did not need to think about the searing pain in my heart. Somewhere, where my wounded heart could heal.

     Leaving would hurt. Yet, staying would hurt more. We all knew that we could not turn back time. It was time to move on. My parents knew I was old enough to fend for myself. They loved me, too much, and did not want to let me go. I loved them too deeply, but I knew it was too late.

     The time had come.

     Goodbye, dearest Mother. Goodbye, dearest Father.

     ***

     The sounds of the forests calmed me. Perhaps it would have unnerved the ordinary Acara. Perhaps it would have scared me at some point in my life too. But, tonight was no ordinary night. The sounds of the forest meant that I was free.

     My mother was from Shenkuu, and my father from Altador. They had settled at the base of the mountains of Shenkuu, so although I was born in Altador, I had spent much of my life on the outskirts of Shenkuu. It had been a somewhat isolated life, and I had always yearned for something more.

     Truth be told, I did not know where I was going. I knew where I physically was – hiking through a forest known by locals as the ‘Forest of the Ancients’ – but I did not know where I was going with my life. So, I focused on my present journey. One foot in front of the other. Left, right, left, right, left, right.

     The hours passed.

     I was getting tired. I had not slept at all, and it was still the dead of night. I knew the forest fairly well, and I recognised that soon, I would be out of the forest, out in the open. In no pets land. I was less familiar with these empty grasslands that separated the territories of Shenkuu and Altador. I was not sure why, but I had instinctively headed towards Altador. Perhaps because it offered some sort of familiarity to me in my mind.

     I reached the edge of the forest. The sight before me took my breath away. The vastness of the steppe was almost overwhelming. Only the stars and Kreludor illuminated the grassland. I could make out the mountain range on my left, as it stretched out into the distance before me. It would be a long journey. But I was ready.

     I yawned. I needed to find shelter and get some sleep. The wind blew across the steppe, and the sound of the rustling blades swept out into the darkness. As I watched the grass dancing in the wind, I thought I saw something odd. There was a patch of grass that was not moving along with the other blades. Could it be?

     I approached carefully.

     “Who are you?” an old, motherly voice murmured. It had such a tender note in it, that I felt compelled to answer.

     “I am Jin-Na. I am heading to Altador,” I replied earnestly.

     A Relic Tonu rose above the tall grass and her gaze met mine.

     “Join us for the night, and we can talk tomorrow,” she instructed, motioning at her herd. Only then did I notice that there were at least twenty, if not more, Relic Tonu, slumbering peacefully in the grass. They had been well obscured from view by the tall grass.

     Relief washed over me, as I could feel extreme exhaustion creeping into my blood. Gratefully I snuggled up to the warmth of the herd.

     ***

      Dear Mother and Father,

     I am sorry I left the way I did. I am not quite so sorry that I did leave, but I do wish that things had gone differently. It has been a year since I left you without so much as a word, and this has been weighing on me heavily. I do not expect you to understand, but I hope you will forgive me. I think about you every day.

      I want you to know that I am well. My Naleap and her friends have been watching over you, so I trust that you are well taken care of. I hope you liked the Chocolate Orange Ganache Cake that was delivered to you on Mother’s birthday–that was from me, and I baked it myself!

      I have seen so much of Neopia now, and I am so glad I got to experience all of it. That night when I left, I chanced upon a herd of Relic Tonu and they quickly accepted me as one of their own. They refused to let me make the journey to Altador on my own, and since they were heading in that general direction, I spent two weeks travelling across the steppe with them. They have imparted much wisdom and I am forever grateful.

      I spent a few months in Altador, and found work under the tutelage of the Exquisite Ambrosia Shopkeeper. He seems to believe I am an exceptional worker with an affinity for fine flavours. He did not want me to leave, but he also encouraged me to widen my horizons. So I left again, and I have now been able to explore The Lost Desert, Faerieland and Neopia Central. I am writing to you from Brightvale.

      It has been a blast and I have learned so much about Neopia. More importantly, I have learned so much more about myself, and I have learned to love myself. It has been the journey of my life, and I really, truly hope that you can understand.

     I just wanted to tell you that I am coming home. And I will bring you on my next adventure.

     Much love from your daughter,

     Jin-Na

     PS: I am now Pink.

     The End.