A Sloth Fan’s Sloth Day Burger Review. Bon Appetit!

     While Sloth Day is now (most unfortunately) behind us, its impact is still being felt by Neopians to this very day. By impact, obviously, I mean the availability in Neopian Fresh Foods of his namesake burgers. While the humble offerings of our poor grounded town might not reach the galactic heights of Kreludor or even the Space Station, it would be an absolute disservice to you all, loyal readers, to leave you in the dark as to the quality and taste of the most exquisite memorabilia our conquering Lord has to offer.

     PLEASE NOTE: Dr. Frank Sloth is in no way, shape, or form directly associated with any of the below mentioned food products and their production - so as to protect our publication from litigation at their own or their local food providers’ hands.

     Without further ado, I shall explore my recent foray into purchasing and taste-testing these burgers. I have painstakingly camped out at Neopian Fresh Foods while various other items stocked until I was able to catch a couple of these elusive celebratory products. I must say that the process of checking the stock every couple of seconds, ready to haggle for the delicious savoury goods, might be seen as an unusual way to get hold of food - but here in Neopia Central it’s second nature. Haggling is at least a very thrifty way of getting what I wanted for this article though, as ours is a difficult economy, and mum’s allowance doesn’t grow on trees after all.

     Ultimately, I eventually got hold of the whole range of Sloth Day Burgers. By ‘range’, I really mean ‘two’. But while the numbers of burgers may be low, we shall more than make up for it in high-quality journalism!

     On my computer desk now lie my two burgers, the smell already making my mouth water. We have a Plain Sloth Day Burger, and a Wheaty Sloth Day Burger, still fresh in their packaging. Unfortunately, there is still no such thing as Sloth Day Regular Cut Fries or Sloth Day Crinkle Cut Fries (take note Food Shop Chia, these better be the treats released to celebrate our great overlord next year), I did manage to get a bunch of Seasoned Lupe Chips to accompany these burgers.

     Review Starts Here (you better not have skipped my intro though, I’m looking at you...):

     Let me start with the packaging.

     The wrapping is simply exquisite. The greasy paper barely revealing the beautiful shape of the food underneath… nothing else truly compares. The creases, the oil, the smell. The entire sensory experience is just delightfully terrible. But… That’s not all, dear readers! What is this symbol I spy in the corner? No… Impossible…

     Not recyclable?

     Oh my dear Dr. Frank Sloth. How devious. How horrible. Before even the very first bite, the tone is simply set. What better way to conquer our Neopia than to simply let us destroy it ourselves through the appeal of delicious fast food and greasy wrapping paper? If this isn’t genius, what is? Though our Dr. Frank Sloth has nothing to do with the actual production of this product, his disreputable influence is felt in earnest by this choice.

     Packaging: 10 out of 10 Dr. Sloths

     Once released from their packaging you can see the burgers in all their glory and honestly, Sloth fan that I am, I was so ready to take a bite. But, I would be doing journalism a disservice if I was to just launch straight into the eating before fully describing to you what a magnificent piece of art these burgers are.

     I might be biased - although biased correctly - but adding a little three sprouted garnish to the top of both burgers to represent Dr. Frank’s ‘hair’ (is it hair? I shouldn’t question it really, let’s, for the sake of brevity, call it hair) is a wonderful touch. This truly is just the tip of the iceberg. Below the garnish is a bun. This is the main difference between these two burgers - one is just a regular plain bun and the other is a super wheat variety, giving it a darker appearance. Inside the buns are a black and red bean burger, an unbelievably generous portion of a sauce as green as sauces can be (more on this later) some leaves which are most probably lettuce but could be a fancy kind of cabbage? Oh and there’s a relish between the burger and the bun too. A complex piece of culinary creativity indeed.

     So, then dear readers, it was time to take a bite. I lifted that first Plain Sloth Day Burger up to my face to take a closer look and honestly those little red beans in amongst the darker ones looked like the red eyes of a Halloween Grundo peeking out of their hood. Spooky. And let’s be honest here, what is one looking for in a burger if not fear? To be fed is one thing, but also inspired and terrified? Genius. No wonder the Doctor’s army is ever growing. Who needs pesky brainwashing when you can use the power of fast food?

     And Oh. My. Sloth. What a bite this was. The subtle over dryness of the patty. The staleness of the produce. The sickening aroma of the relish. The sauce. Oh my dear Doctor, the sauce. It looks green, yes, but somehow tastes even greener. What indescribable flavour! The acidity. The… uniqueness of the flavour. Now that is how you celebrate. I barely even finished the second bite, and already, the slight feeling of acid going back up through my whole system.

     This is it. This. Is. Food.

     Before I devour the whole thing, let’s move on to the wheat version. The bun definitely looks different but- what’s this? Incredible. The bread is somehow even more stale, yet tastes no healthier at all. This is it. This is marketing like it’s supposed to be done. This is everything one could ever want - perhaps more! Definitely more!

     Do yourselves a favour, dear reader, and grab some for yourselves. You will not regret it. Major props. Run out and grab your own now! Show your support! Make sure we get blessed with this fine product for many years to come, every Sloth Appreciation Month.

     The Burgers: 127 out of 10 Dr. Sloths

     Thank you for accompanying me thus far, dear Neopia Central Almost Official Sloth Fan Committee Newsletter fans. While this was definitely not just an excuse to convince my Mum to let me eat fast food, I feel truly thankful for this opportunity you have all given me today to celebrate our common passions: Dr. Frank Sloth and burgers.

     But it shall not end here! A holiday of love is on the horizon, a department where I’m sure all of you loyal readers are decidedly blessed. We’ve spoken about the Doctor’s brothers in evil before, but what about his antagonists? The lame wannabe heroes of this world? Let me say no more, lest I spoil the pleasure and surprise for you all.

     Behold, beware, and I shall catch you all next time.

     This is SlothFan127, signing off.