A Sloth Fan's Rating of Famous Green Neopians

     I fear today’s topic might have been obvious to many of you, not merely from the title but also the time of year. After all, who can get into Journalism without Writing? Then, who can explore Writing without being hand-in-hard with Art. And who can say Art without Painting. And who can say Painting without -

     Green. The theme is green! Sloth is green. Green is good. I’m sure you all are discerning enough to comprehend that green is, in fact, the most superior of colours.

     However, this raises the obvious question: Is everything green superior? And if so, which green things are more superior than others?

     That’s right, most loyal readers of mine. Today, we shall delve into the world of Neopia’s most famous green being. On top of this, we shall, for your entertainment, rank them on a scale of many other objective factors. How green are they specifically? How acutely green is their green? How great are they? Do they adequately represent the colour green in a fair and equitable manner?

     So, without further ado, let us dive right into it.

Meuka

     Kicking off this list is perhaps the most green of them all. Some wise Neopians have been heard recounting: “The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Battledome”. Well not this time. If you’re up against this ball of slime, the quantity of green is enough to hurt one’s eyes. That being said, the grandeur of this first entrant does not stop at its mere hue. Nobody even knows where Meuka truly comes from, and yet, everybody knows about Meuka. The mystique factor is through the roof here! And he just consumes, steals, and destroys… leaving lumps of snotty awful slime in his wake. Dearest Neopians: we are starting strong today. Our first but not least contender deserves just shy of a perfect score. If their evil was perhaps less localised and more global, it might have set a higher bar:

     8 out of 10 Sloth Gummies

Illusen

     Leaving the more villainous side - yes, yes, I know, it hurts my heart as well as yours - let us move on to the fair green faerie herself. Illusen. Ahhh, Illusen. Credit where credit is due. She is, in fact, quite green. Not perhaps in skin tone (like our dear Sloth) but at least in fashion, wings, fancy hair streak, eyes and even in lip colour! While the whole ‘righteous’ thing is a bit… annoying to be sure, she was in fact chased out of Faerieland, which is kinda neat. Who doesn’t like an underdog? The top dog. The top dog doesn’t much like the underdog. Nice clothes, but perhaps next time, don’t be such a do-gooder.

     3 out of 10 Sloth Gummies

Doctor Frank Sloth

     That’s right readers, after the perfect lead-up to the top dog of all top dogs, Doctor Frank Sloth arrives in our list. (Remember to send me fan mail if you liked this transitional phrasing. A lesser writer might have stayed up all night thinking of that little bit of wit. Not me though. Not SlothFan127.)

     Here. He. Is. And if green is might, our good doctor is the mightiest of them all. Many have tried imitating that green-ish sickly skin tone, and all have failed. (Perhaps I’ll dwell more on this in our Halloween costume article later in the year? Who knows!) The Doctor’s viridescent tones are truly the zenith of the colour world. Inspiring disease and villainy, curses and schemes; we are certain the Doctor only wears his signature cloak-cape (What is it exactly? We may never know…) merely because mortal eyes simply could not withstand any more of that perfect colour of which he is composed. It defies comprehension. It defies understanding. It defies all other synonyms of those two words to a degree where I simply can’t think of them right now as I am blinded by the greenest of greens.

     I could talk for pages about what this villain represents to me and all of Neopia, and I will. That’s why I started this newsletter in the first place! He is him. The very vertex of villainy. A lord amongst lords. Have you ever had a problem before, dear readers? The only reason it wasn’t any worse is just because we are, unfortunately, not under his total dominion quite yet. But it will come, fellow Sloth Fans. It. Will. Come.

     1 out 1 Doctor Sloth. The Only One.

The Esophagor

     Ahem. Pardon me. While painful it may be, it is time to move on to our very next entry. This one is shrouded in controversy. Is the Esophagor actually green? Or is he blue? Perhaps he is turquoise? Is turquoise green? Does it qualify? Should it qualify? Is it a trick of the lighting?

     Let’s leave those difficult queries aside for a moment to give a little more context to the subject matter. What even is this thing? How can it be so hungry? Why does he hunger so often for historical knowledge? This creature certainly puts the ‘Evil’ in ‘Gluttony’ which is super impressive when you consider they don’t really have more than one letter in common.

     Picture this. You’re walking by your very-brave-self in the Haunted Woods. It's already very scary! And then. The ground rumbles - more than usual. You try to calm yourself, and turn around. And what do you see? That’s right! The beast itself, the Esophagor, rising up out of the floor and groaning slowly for treats! And you think to yourself the only logical thing.

     “Yeah this is close enough to green, if you really think about it.”

     7 out of 10 Sloth Gummies

Brucey B

     …What? Who snuck him in here? I mean, I did, but… what within the Lost Desert kind of pale green even is this guy? This nuisance? This interloper? This ruiner of plots and plans! Sure, it counts, but at what cost? Dear reader, if you have any nice thoughts when it comes to this beaky B I plead with you, think again. Who was he to meddle in the grandest of plans? How could he fail to recognize the honour it was to have his lucky coin be instrumental in the Doctor’s schemes to take over all of Neopia? If gambling is foolish, this particular gamble was the most foolish of them all. I can’t stand him. You can’t stand him. And we shall all just forget about him and think of him no longer.

     No Sloth Gummies out of any Sloth Gummies. Get out of here.

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     It’s Over?

     And with this unfortunate note, we conclude our list for today. Yes, I know there are so many more verdant contenders left unexplored. Some of them did not make the cut because they were already expounded upon in our previous ratings issue; the ever elusive Spider Grundo and the petrifying – or rather, petrified - Xandra for example. This is, however, all the time I had, unfortunately, because Mum has been screaming to me that it’s dinner time for way longer than is fair.

     I do wish to thank you once again for reading, and hope to catch you again in the future. Many exciting things are on the horizon here at the Neopia Central Almost Official Sloth Fan Committee Newsletter. Do you love role playing games? So does yours truly! But that’s all the teasing I’ll be doing today however, so I hope that you all follow our least humble publication in the Times to come.

     Once again, your not-so-humble SlothFan127. Signing off.