Food Club Shenanigans

     The crowd cheered impatiently for the most exciting food club match of the day.

     It was a warm, sweltering afternoon on Krawk Island, where rowdy pirates, swashbucklers and gentlemen of fortune all participated in a daily competition to see who would be the fastest at eating all the foods on the menu.

     As it had been every day for years, the Hidden Cove was set up with four tables filled with a feast… and a few less appetizing things, as well. The courses laid out for today ranged from delicious things like Streaky Bacon, Cheese and Tomato Subs or Cinnamon Swirls to something way less exciting like Mustard Ice Cream – clearly an acquired taste at best.

     Our four randomly drawn Hidden Cove competitors (Buck Cutlass, Gooblah the Grarrl, Scurvy Dan the Blade and Squire Venable) were waiting on the sidelines for the day’s match to begin.

     All things considered, it was a nice day for an eating competition. Or at least it had been, until the bickering started. And as always, Gooblah started it.

     “I bet I could eat ye all under the table!” boasted Gooblah, easily twice the size of the little Blumaroo he looked down his nose at. “I saw a ton o’ meat on the menu!”

     “Ha!” spat Scurvy Dan, “No nay ne'er! Yer not winnin’ that easily again, Goob!” He was standing on the tip of his tail in an attempt to look taller than he really was, but it failed miserably next to the giant Grarrl and Lupe. “They do nay call me t’ Blade fer no reason, ye landlubbers!”

     Buck leaned on his cutlass and guffawed. “We both know who be havin’ the better track log when it comes t' winnin' from Gooblah, Dan me lad!”

     Dan glared daggers and blades at both Gooblah and Buck and exclaimed “I 'ave won from Gooblah afore, I'll 'ave ye know!” He angrily swung his fist into the air.

     Goob roared with laughter. “I do nay remember that.”, he teased. Gooblah always seemed to enjoy getting a rise out of Dan, who was quite hot-headed. “I seem to recall ye lost from me t’ last time, Sir Blade!”

     Dan bristled at the memory. “Avast! Why be ye bringin' this here t’ light again? It be them cakey things, I--”

     “Aye, aye, we've 'eard tales o' it all before!” said Goob, trying to keep a straight face.

     “Aye, we ‘ave!” Buck clapped Dan on the back affectionately. Dan made a soft little oof noise. The Lupe, who always hauled along his giant cutlass, wasn’t exactly the gentlest.

     “It will not kill ye to eat a lil’ sugar, Dan matey. I will ne’er understand yer dislike of cakes an’ candy, ‘ow could ye ever dislike a Cinnamon Swirl?” Buck looked genuinely hurt at the thought that someone could ever dislike candy.

     “What?! I could say the same fer ye an' yer unnatural 'atred fer veggies! Not e’eryone shares yer sweet tooth!”

     Dan seemed to really be getting riled up by this all, and Goob was just egging it all on by making agreeing ‘aye’ sounds to everything that was said. Squire, however, looked more and more annoyed by all the racket.

     “Shiver me timbers! How dare ye--!” Buck started to shout, but he could not finished his sentence, because Squire Venable suddenly intervened.

     “Now, now, gentlemen. Let’s not forget that this is supposed to be a friendly competition and remember our manners.” He held up his hands placatingly.

     The other three pirates looked at Squire like they’d just noticed he was there as well.

     There was a bit of a pause. Then:

     “Ye be jokin’, right?” asked Dan, incredulously.

     “We be playin' to win!” roared Gooblah, baring his teeth in a big smile.

     Buck agreed heartily and loudly.

     “Asides, 'tis jus' banter, we do nay really hate each other.” Buck proclaimed with a thumbs up.

     “We do nay?” Dan sputtered, glowering with his arms crossed.

     It was hopeless.

     Squire smiled wearily and let them go straight back to bickering over who was the better pirate, hyping each other up for the match like it was life or death.

     Ignoring the loud cacophony of their voices, he looked out into the crowd of Neopians. There were quite a lot more than usual, all scrambling to place their last bets before the betting gates would close. It would be an exciting match, as it always was with these three. The three strongest pirates were facing each other… and Squire also happened to be there. He didn’t really matter that much in the grand scheme of things today.

     Everywhere he looked there were banners cheering on Gooblah (GOOB LUCK!), or Buck (YOU’RE AMAZING BUCK!), or Dan, (GO GO DAN THE MAN!) but since Squire didn’t have the best odds for winning this match, that was to be expected. He hadn’t won in over fifty rounds, so everyone was kind of used to him losing a lot. Every once in a while, he did have a fan.

     Like that one. One single banner with his name on it.

     “YOU CAN DO IT, SQUIRE, I BELIEVE IN YOU!” was written on the banner in big curly letters. He smiled and waved at the Neopian who had made it.

     The bookie signed that it was time for the betting gates to close, and all four pirates made their way to their designated tables, three of them still loudly arguing over who would win.

     “Ready… and START!” the bell to signal the beginning of the match rang and Gooblah, Buck and Dan immediately started shoving foods into their mouths, roaring their approval or disapproval of the food – it was hard to tell which, really.

     Squire was less aggressive about it, knowing that his chances of winning were so low, and tried to savour the foods a bit more. There was bread on the menu, after all, and he might as well enjoy it.

     Gooblah and Buck were neck and neck. Gooblah was shoving the Streaky Bacon into his mouth and Buck was wolfing down a Bacon Muffin, eating at about the same pace all the while trying to elbow each other.

     The judge gave them a look and yelled, “No cheatin’!”

     Gooblah and Buck grinned toothily and innocently, but behaved after that.

     Dan looked at his competitors nervously and quickly tried shoving more food into his mouth, barely looking at what he was even eating.

     Apparently, it had been something sugary and sweet, because he suddenly made a panicked noise.

     “Ohh, I do nay feel so good…” Dan whimpered, his blue face suddenly turning quite green.

     Buck howled with laughter, and tried to keep up the pace. However, it seemed to be more and more difficult for him and Gooblah to keep that speed up, until they could barely eat another bite.

     “Argghhhh, me head!” Gooblah tried to claw at his head and roared in pain as he tried to chug down an ice cold slushie.

     Buck wasn’t faring much better, heavily leaning on his cutlass to keep from falling over. He was groaning something about broccoli being his arch nemesis.

     And Squire? Squire calmly but briskly ate his way through all the courses, like it was a fine dining experience instead of a food club match.

     And so it came to be that all three of his competitors were unable to finish the match that day.

     And at the end of the day, one lucky Neopian proudly cashed in 120 units.

The End.