Foods with Flair to Enliven Your Holiday Table

1. Neopets and Petpets

The author starts with the most foul of all the categories: foods that are comprised of actual Neopet or Petpet parts. It is seemingly incomprehensible that your sweet Neopet can indulge in Meerca Pie or Elephante Trunk Stew. Blumaroos are particularly hard-hit by the phenomena, for they give their all in such fare as Blumaroo Steak and the stomach-churning Blumaroo Tail Salad Extravaganza. And hapless Blums are not the only Neopians who have been asked to make the ultimate culinary sacrifice. They are joined by innocent Snorkles who are the main ingredient in Snorkle Pudding and Snorkle Snout, that delicacy that garners an avatar for the user who feeds this to her ‘pet. In addition, this author would be remiss if she did not include the atrocious Sun Dried Techo Claw. Finally, last but certainly not least are Grundos who have contributed Grundo Stix, Grundo Toe Lint, and for those who want a heartier meal, Large Grundo Toe With Lint Side Order. Eww.

2. Brains

It is doubtful that feeding your Neopet food made of brains will actually make your ‘pet smarter, and this author is skeptical that these offerings are what originally prompted the term “brain food.” For, these foods are not necessarily good for the brain, but instead are actually made up of brains. Nevertheless, these foods are bountiful and readily available to those who have the courage (and the constitution) to eat them. There are foods comprised of brains in every category: breakfast, lunch and dinner. Your Neopet can chow down on Brain Stew, Brainburger, Brains and Dumplings, or the exotic Spaghetti and Brains. Afterwards, he can top that meal off with a dessert of Pulsating Brain Custard or Brain Ice Cream. This category is highly favored by Zombie ‘pets.

3. Eyes

If your Neopet enjoys visually savoring her meals, and having her meals return the favor, then this is her category, facetiously dubbed the “See-Food” category. Eyes are the key ingredient here, and the list seems endless. Begin with an appetizer of Chilled Eyes with Clam Sauce or Eye of Mortog Soup. Follow that with a light meal of Eyeball and Worm Sandwich or a Glaring Eye Wrap. Then satisfy a sweet tooth with an Eyeball Muffin or Eye Candy. So if you find yourself visiting the Deserted Fairground this holiday season, be sure to stop by Spooky Food and pick up an Eyeball Slushie or two to sip as you try your luck at the Wheel of Misfortune.

4. Slime

Slime cuisine is recommended for those who are not particularly concerned with what is in their food. In fact, after exhaustive research, this author was unable to determine conclusively what slime is exactly. So, for those who lack refined taste buds, or any taste buds for that matter, there is a plenitude of slime dishes available for the bold and the brave. Apparently, slime serves well as a primary ingredient in soups and desserts because Neopia teems with bowls of Slime Soup and Slimy Pumpkin Soup. And what holiday meal would be complete without a bit of Slime Cream, a frosty Slimesicle, or a Slime Sundae topped with the aforementioned errant eyeball? And for the calorie-conscious, simply bite into a large Slimy Apple. Of course, it is a foregone conclusion that this food is best partaken in the darkest of dining rooms.

5. Worms

Yes, worms. Those wiggly fellows that make the earth their home. They might be unpalatable to you, but this is one category that your Neopets might find scrumptious. Be aware that worms are an excellent source of protein, and your Neopet can eat them baked, fried, roasted or fresh and wriggling. Consider Fried Worm Stew, a concoction of worms and many other ingredients with nutritional benefits that you will have to take on faith. For the upcoming holiday season, your ‘pet can enjoy Roast Worm with Cranberries, a delectable medley of worms and cranberries topped with a lovely slime sauce. Your Pteri will be tempted to overindulge in this tasty entree, but gently lead him away from the dinner table lest he suffer from that uncomfortable bloated feeling. However, in this category, the piece de resistance is Macawormi and Cheese, the perfect comfort food for a chilly day. It is advised that you keep this dish away from your Skeith because the last thing she needs is a case of Neezles over the holidays. And lastly, included in this category due to obvious similarities is the recipe entitled Hair Stuffed Maggot. The biggest maggot available is stuffed with an abundance of JubJub hair and served with elegant presentation on a silver platter. It is the perfect holiday party dish, although your JubJub quite possibly will not appreciate this selection.

6. Blood

This cringe-worthy category is mercifully short. However, the sheer grossness of the foods presented here more than compensates for the brevity of the category. The first selection is Bloody Ghost Toast. The recipe is described in this manner: “Someone has strategically bled on this toast to make eyes and a mouth.” Oh my. And secondly, consider This Isnt Chili Cheese Fries. Once again, the author will allow the item description to enlighten the reader: “Hot fries with a delicious topping of red…oh. Oh dear.” Enough said. Let us move on.

7. Parts

This repulsive category is differentiated from the first, Neopets and Petpets, specifically because in the first category, the foods contain parts of pitiful Neopets or Petpets. However, in this category, the parts that make up the main ingredients in these recipes belong to other citizens of Neopia, or have remained unidentified altogether. Take, for example, Finger Sandwiches. Now, you might be wondering why this food would be considered repugnant. After all, we have all served finger sandwiches to our guests at one time or another. However, bear in mind that this food is named quite literally. Actual blue-colored fingers are layered with cheese and lettuce, and then sandwiched between two hearty slices of fresh baked bread. We are left to guess which Neopet made the sacrifice. But if a sandwich is too sedate a choice, indulge instead in Parts on a Pizza. Once again, let this graphic description inform you: “Part pizza – part pizza delivery guy.” At this point, your imagination is not your friend.

8. Dung

This category of foods is certain to boost your spirits and enliven your holiday gatherings. Amaze your guests by hosting a party using dung as the theme. Your guests will appreciate your good taste and admire your commitment to recycling. Begin by whetting appetites with a platter of sliced Dung Neggs on crackers. For your main course, a comforting plate of Spaghetti and Dungballs will be a sure hit. And crown your meal with a dessert that is certain to dazzle your guests: Dung Cake (mix yours at the Cooking Pot with Chewing Dung and Snow Cake) served a la mode with a hearty scoop of Dung Ice Cream. Then just sit back and relish the compliments.

9. Cup of Pustulence

This food, to use the term loosely, is a mixture of pus and pestilence. It is a recipe so vile, so repugnant, and so indescribably gross that it deserves its own category. Surprise your unsuspecting guests.

This concludes my list of bold and lively cuisine that is sure to invigorate your Neopet’s spirits and rejuvenate his taste buds. By the way, if you are still reading this article (and have not lost your lunch), congratulations! You deserve a shiny trophy for your user lookup, an iron one, of course, to match your stomach. So, from my Neofamily to yours, have a very happy holiday season, and don’t forget to stock up on Flat-u-less Tablets just in case!