The Moigic Toights

Also by extreme_fj0rd

Lena didn't understand why Jon was so determined to successfully trade that old pail of water. After all, it was just water and who in Neopia would buy a pail of water?

     "Somebody's bound to want a pail of water," Jon had said to Lena as they had set out for the marketplace one sunny Meridellian morning.

     "But Jon!" Lena had cried, purple Draik scales glistening with sweat. "It's water!"

     "The pail comes free with it," Jon had said.

     "Yes, but… it's a pail of water. No one will want it."

     "I betchya they will."

     "Yeah. Right."

     However, as it turned out, Jon was right. Somebody did want the pail of lukewarm, mucky water.

     "Pail of water for sale! Pail of water!" Jon called out, standing next to the bucket of water. The green Kacheek paused to catch his breath, then shouted again, "Pail of waaater for sale!"

     "Jon, give it up," Lena moaned.

     But Jon did not give it up, and eventually, a red Kyrii approached them through the crowd. She peered down at the bucket of water, and then peered at each of them in turn. "Hullo," she said. "Would you loike to troide your foine bucket of woiter here for a pair of moigic toights?"

     Lena just stared at her and didn't say anything.

     Jon grinned. "Told you someone would want to buy it!" he whispered to the Draik.

          Lena shook her head slowly and was silent once more.

     "Sure, I'll trade," Jon said, ignoring Lena, "and what's with the funny accent?"

     "Noiver moind it," the Kyrii said. "My noime is Coirrie, by the woy."

     "Eh... mine is Jon," Jon said. "And that's Lena." The purple Draik just nodded. She still couldn't believe that this Kyrii wanted to buy Jon's bucket of water.

     "Hullo Jon and Lena, pretty noimes ye goit there," mused Coirrie. "Now, I'd much loike your pail of woiter for moi moigic toights."

     "Let me see these… moigic toights… first," instructed Jon.

     Coirrie nodded and then plucked a pair of simple nylon tights from a leather satchel, which she held in front of her. The tights were green and baggy, stretched beyond need, and they were torn as well. Lena thought that they were being ripped off - the water was worth more than those old things - but Jon happily agreed to the trade.

     "Here's the water," said the Kacheek, handing Coirrie the pail.

     Coirrie gladly accepted the water and smiled at Jon and Lena. "Thoink you! Enjoy the moigic toights!"

     Then she was gone.

     Jon grinned down at the tights--er, toights--he held. "This is so awesome!" he exclaimed. "I've always wanted a pair of moigic toights!"

     "You've never mentioned it to me," Lena said, glaring at him, but he ignored her and began to put on the toights. Passersby cast odd glances at this Kacheek getting dressed in the middle of the street, but much odder things had happened in Meridell, so none of them stopped to comment.

     "Up, up, and... away!" Jon called, the toights now in place on his legs. "Uh.. open sesame! How do these things WORK?" he wondered, glaring down at the toights.

     The toights, too big for the small Kacheek, merely slid down his legs to the ground. Jon immediately grabbed them back up, holding them around his middle. "Uh... Lena... it occurs to me that there's something we should've asked Coirrie," he said in a small voice.

     "Really!" Lena said brightly. "Come to think of it, there are several things we should've asked her--"

     "Er, well, the one I'm thinking of is one that goes a bit like this... HOW DO THE DARNED THINGS WORK?!"

     "And that's why our owner always tells us to ask the merchant before purchasing lousy items," quipped Lena.

     "Stop being a Mini-Dee," muttered Jon, bunching up the nylon tights so they'd stay on his waist.

     "Oh, I'm not being a Mini-Dee," replied Lena coolly. "I'm simply being - wouldn't you believe it? - SMART!"

     "Aw, stop it, Lena! I'm not dumb! I just wanted some moigic toights!"

     "No, Jon, you wanted to get rid of your pail of water. So you took the first thing someone offered on them."

     "Well, you don't blame me, do you? Because I mean seriously, I don't think anyone else would've offered anything on that water!"

     "You think?" asked Lena irritably.

     Jon nodded. "Yes, I do."

     Lena sighed as she stared at the moigic toights that Jon wore. "I really don't think they're magic," she said. "You just got completely ripped off."

     "Maybe we just haven't figured out how to use them," suggested Jon. Then, he cried, "ALA-KAZAM! ERAY-BATINGUS! ENN-TEE-DUBBLEYU-EFFIS!" However, there was no result.

     "Jon, give it up, they're not going to work," said Lena, scanning the crowd for any sign of Coirrie; she couldn't find one.

     "No! They work! Just... we have to go on a quest! A great and noble quest, to, to figure out how to use the moigic toights!" Jon shouted, letting go of the toights to raise both paws triumphantly in the air. They fell down again. He pulled them back up and held on to them tightly.

     Lena muffled a laugh; then she pointed a paw. "Look! There's a red Kyrii--I bet it's Coirrie!" she yelled and dashed into the crowd.

     Jon followed her, waddling in the moigic toights, but still caught up with the Draik. "Where?" he asked. "Where?"

     "There!" Lena shouted, pointing. Sure enough, a red Kyrii was walking just a few feet away--carrying a bucket of water! "Okay, bucko," the Draik said, pouncing forward and pinning the Kyrii against a handy, nearby wall. "Come on. Give us that bucket." She snatched at the bucket; the Kyrii snatched it back.

     "Whoit are you doing?" demanded the Kyrii in Coirrie's familiar accent. "Thoit's my bloody woiter and I'd appreciate it if you didn't steal it from me!"

     It was at this point that Lena realized that, in fact, it was not Coirrie, but instead, a seemingly random red Kyrii who happened to be toting a pail of water.

     "I'm so sorry!" yelped the Draik, standing up shakily.

     "You should be, you woiter stealing Draik!" said the Kyrii, shaking his fist at Lena, and also at Jon, who had just arrived at the scene of the tackle.

     "Sorry again," Lena said, smiling nervously. "I didn't mean to steal your water. I thought you were this Kyrii named Coirrie who gave us these faulty moigic toights for a pail of water…"

     "Coirrie?" asked the Kyrii. "Why, Coirrie is me ol' pal! My noime's Woill!"

     "Yes, and I'm Lena and my brother there in Jon - wait, Coirrie's your pal? Does that mean you know where she is?" asked Lena eagerly.

     "Why yes, I do! She's in Meridell!" exclaimed Woill.

     "Um yeah, we know that," chimed Jon from behind Lena.

     "Oi, you did? Why, that's just groit!" Woill said.

     "Well, can you show us exactly where she is?" Lena excitedly inquired.

     "No, I coin't, but if you woint, I can tell her you're loiking for her!"

     Lena replied slowly, "If you can't show us where she is, that means you don't know where she is, so that means you couldn't tell her we're looking for her."

     Woill scoffed, "Oi, I know where she is, young chums! Boit I doin't woint to tell you!"

     "If you're such chums with Coirrie, can you tell us how these toights work?" Jon asked, still holding the toights up around his middle.

     "No," Woill said.

     "And if you're good friends with a corrupt merchant, what reason do we have to believe that you're telling the truth?" Lena said.

     "Oi... my... woird of honor?"

     Lena shook her head. "No go," she said. "Tell us! Tell us, or we--we'll... uh... make you smell Jon's feet!"

     "Yes! Tell us, you fiend--what?" Jon said. "What? I refuse to let my feet be used as a threat. And by the way, they smell just fine, thank you very much!"

     Lena rolled her eyes and looked at Woill. "I will make you smell Jon's feet," she said again.

     Woill stared at her, and then at Jon, who was hopping around in circles trying to get one of his feet up to his nose to prove that they didn't smell bad.

     "Oi," he said sadly, "I'll tell."

     "Good," Lena said. "Now start."

     Woill took a deep breath and looked up at the demanding Draik. "Well," he said, "I met Coirrie when I wos joist a lad. When I wos older than joist a lad she told me that she thought I wos -"

     "We don't want to know your life story, Woill. Just about where Coirrie is now," said Lena, grabbing onto Jon's arm so he'd stop committing the crime of stupidity.

     "Oi, yes, I figured that! Well, she is in Meridell," Woill replied.

     "You told us that!" cried Lena in exasperation. "Now tell us exactly where in Meridell she is."

     "Oi well, I doin't know that." Woill shrugged.

     "But… but you said you did!"

     "Did I say that? Well then, it moist of been misunderstoinding!"

     Lena simply stared at Woill, so frustrated and angry that it made her sick. "Let's go, Jon," she hissed to her brother as she marched away from Woill.

     "Lena, wait!" Jon called after the Draik.

     "No! I'm not waiting! We're going home! Now come on!"

     "But Lena!"

     "Come!"

     "LENA!"

     At this remark, Lena swiveled around, and she saw that Jon was still standing next to Woill, a smile on his pudgy Kacheek face.

     "What do want!?" cried Lena.

     "Woill said he knows where Coirrie is, actually!"

     "Yes, in Meridell, we know that!"

     "He said she's just over there…" Jon pointed literally two feet away, where a chipper red Kyrii stood, pail of water in hand.

     Lena refused to admit that Jon had - oh excuse this cliché! - saved the day, but nevertheless, she stormed over, right by Jon, and she pushed herself right in front of the red Kyrii.

     "Hullo!" the red Kyrii greeted. "Moi noime is Coirrie. I have this loively little bucket of woiter to sell you, would you loike it?"

     "That's our bucket of water!" shrieked Lena. "And those are your moigic toights!" The Draik pointed towards Jon, who, as he hobbled over, still somehow wore the pair of ripped toights.

     "Oi, those are! Don't you loike them?" Coirrie beamed.

     "No, no we don't," Lena said stiffly.

     "Why noit?" Coirrie inquired.

     "Well, for one thing, they're not 'moigic'. For another, they're huge on Jon. And -"

     "Oi, they are too moigic! Blessed by the Faerie Queen himself!"

     "Himself? Coirrie, the Faerie Queen is female. Her name is Queen Fyora. There is no such thing as a male faerie."

     "My cheese!" screeched Coirrie at this remark. "I've been swindled! Help me! I've been swindled, lass! Swindled!"

     Lena closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. "Just give us our water back, and we'll give you your toights back, and then you can work everything out with you being swindled, okay?"

     "Oi, no! I don't woint those toights back! I'd roither keep the woiter pail!" explained Coirrie.

     "Please, be a good merchant and let us trade back. The Code of Meridell says every customer has the right to return items for the full value within 28 days of the purchase and-"

     "Oi, I'm noit giving you the woiter back! Or if I do, I woint the moigic toights back first!"

     "No, you give us the water first, then we'll give you the moigic toights."

     "No! I'm a good enough moichant to know a bad deal when I see it!"

     "Just give us the water first if you're a good merchant!"

     "Goive me the moigic toights first!"

     "They're not even moigic!"

     "Yes they are!"

     "No they aren't!"

     "Just goive them to me!"

     "No!"

     "I requoist you goive them to me!"

     "I request you give the water to me first!"

     "I requoist you to be loicked awoi in King Skarl's doingeons!"

     "Will you two stop arguing?" piped Jon from a few feet away.

     "I requoist the Kacheek be loicked awoi too!"

     "I request you stop requesting!"

     "I requoist to steal the toights and pail and return them to their proper owners!" cried Woill suddenly.

     Everyone turned to stare at Woill.

     "What did yoi say?" Coirrie asked stiffly.

      "I requoist to steal--oi, nevermoind," Woill said, and pointed behind them. "Loik! Over thoire!"

     Lena, Jon, and Coirrie all turned reflexively in the direction Woill had pointed.

     "There's nothing there!" Jon said, disappointed.

     "Of course there was nothing there, you dolt!" Lena said. "It was all just a trick to make us look away while Woill could steal the pail and toights!"

     And sure enough, Woill was now holding two buckets of water and the pair of toights.

     Jon stared. "How does that work?" he wondered aloud.

     "Noiver yoi moind," Woill said hastily. "Anyway, I now roiturn thois pair of toights to Coirrie and thois pail of woiter to Jon." He handed the items to their respective owners as he spoke.

     Coirrie glared at him. "Woill..."

     "Joist doing my doity," Woill said, shrugging. Coirrie shook her head. Lena and Jon glanced at each other and shrugged.

     "Well, thanks," Lena said to Woill. "I guess."

     He nodded and grinned. "Yoir woilcome."

     "Now, what have we learned from this?" Lena asked Jon as they walked away from the marketplace. "Other than to ask questions before you buy things from shady merchants."

     "Er..." said Jon and frowned. "It's not nice to threaten people with feet? They smell fine!" he added.

     Lena rolled her eyes. "Other than that, Jon." Then a thought occurred to her, as she stopped in the middle of the muddy Meridell road. "Jon, you drew something on the bottom of your bucket, right? Before you traded it to Coirrie?"

     "Yes," Jon said. "Why?"

     "Let me see the bottom of that bucket," Lena said.

     Jon obligingly heaved it up for her to see under, and she peered at the battered tin underside of the pail. It was completely blank.

     "Uh, Jon..." said Lena. "This isn't our bucket."

     Jon's eyes widened. "That conniving Kyrii!"

     And then, without any warning, Jon slammed the bucket to the ground, and he and Lena ran off into the crowded Meridellian marketplace to find Woill. And in the back of Jon's mind, he had a sense of deja-vu.

The End

Authors' Note: Hi everyone :O It is Carrie and Fj0rd and we would like to thank the few people who gave us inspiration for this highly warped story :D Thank you Will (Woill), and me (Coirrie) and Fj0rd (Lena). And Jack from "Jack and Jill", who inspired the pail of water. Anyway, have a good day and GOIVE ME MOI TOIGHTS BACK!