Five Years of Food Club

After my daily visit to Krawk Island to support my favorite Food Club pirate (and hopefully collecting big winnings), I was lucky enough to get an interview with him. Of course, he's none other than the only Scorchio pirate in Food Club, The Tailhook Kid.

Standing at 130 centimeters tall, the 200-pound Scorchio was an intimidating sight. A maroon sash across his girth held together his beige shirt and pants that draped around him unassumingly. The heavy leather boots and gloves he wore greatly emphasized the terrifying claws that lay within. His black bandana and short, scruffy beard were the only indications that he was a pirate. Surprisingly, there wasn't a spot of food on him.

BC: Ahoy, Mr. Kid! Would ye mind answerin' a few queschens?

TTK: If ye cut the act.

BC: Alright, Mr. Kid.

TTK: Call me Tailhook.

BC: Mr. Tailhook, you have competed in over 1500 competitions since you entered the world-famous food-eating competition known as Food Club. How do you feel about this?

TTK: I ha'e had a free meal fer over 1500 days? That be a great deal. Although there always be the bloaty belly and neggitus. They know I be allergic to Neggs but they serve 'em anyway, but who be I to complain when the food be free? O' course, everyone be ha'in' their own allergies to deal with.

BC: Free? That's over 14,000 free courses! How do they (The Food Club Commission) pay for all of this?

TTK: Ay, the food be free. Many people place bets e'eryday, but not many win. There be millions o' Neopoints that passed through the bookie's hands e'eryday. It helps pay fer the food, but e'er since some o' the foods were retired, as some say, there be less fish neggs and anchovies. Good fer me, bad fer the meat-eaters, especially tough fer that lightweight, Young Sproggie. He be likin' both o' 'em. Otherwise, the FCC be keepin' us well on our feet.

BC: So how exactly were you introduced to Food Club?

TTK: I be eatin' me 'egetables on the mess deck and I hear me hearties speakin' o' a food eatin' competition, and how Fairfax the Deckhand be getting' himself mixed up in it. O' course, I be curious as to what it may be, so I go check it out and there be the sorriest lot o' waisters I ha'e e'er seen. The only challenge be that Grarrl with the bad wardrobe. Grarrls be notorious fer their voracious appetites and eatin' habits. Fi'e years later, here I be eatin' all o' this free food.

BC: What exactly is a waister?

TTK: Wouldn't ye like to know? Ye be too much o' a landlubber to be a waister. I bet ye ha'e ne'er set foot on a ship. A waister be like a sprog, a new recruit, a greenhorn if ye may, stuck in the waist o' the ship he be servin' on.

BC: Is there any chance I could join Food Club?

TTK: Ye want to join? Ye don't look tough enough fer the part. What weigh ye? Ye look to be about a Corvallio, Franchisco at best. How strong be ye? Bonnie's limbs I s'pose.

BC: How exactly do you calculate strength?

TTK: Yer strength be the number o' mega wild chocomato smoothies ye can carry all at once without aid.

BC: You've got to be kidding me! Those things are a good 4 pounds each!

TTK: Aye, I kid. It be by the standard way o' measurin' a Neopian's strength. Ye should ask Cap'n Threelegs at the Swashbucklin' Academy fer an analysis.

BC: Impressive. Next question. What have you learned from your experiences in Food Club?

TTK: Always keep a bottle o' Flat-u-less Tablets around. Ye never know if ye may be getting' a case o' the Bloaty Belly from eatin' so much food. And keep yer hands, and tails, away from Gooblah when he eats if ye would like to keep 'em. He'll be mindin' his mouth when he be near me tail or he'll be gettin' a surprise.

BC: What can you tell me about the overall Food Club favorites like Gooblah the Grarrl and Scurvy Dan the Blade?

TTK: Gooblah has a big mouth and a strong stomach. He be swallowin' an entire Slushie faster than ye can say 'Shiver me timbers!' and he be showin' no sign o' an allergic reaction! A true eatin' machine if I e'er saw one. O' course, the FCC already checked if he be a machine or not.

Personally, I don't know how Scur'y does it, really. With all that saltwater around 'im all day when he be at sea, I can't see how he can like salty foods. I s'pose he's taken to the cured meats. I wouldn't touch the stuff with me tail hook. And if ye can hold on to ye boots, who in all the mighty seas be allergic to candy?

Then there's Buck. That candy eater, stronger than Scur'y, be allergic to vegetables. That be a bonus fer me. If there be a pirate who be needin' to prove himself at e'ery moment, it be Buck, but he's pro'ed himself many times o'er.

Now the Cor'allio brothers be on the same boat as me, but there seems to be a lack o' 'egetables or I be eatin' my way to 'ictory more often. They be a sort o' double threat when they get along. Both o' 'em ha'e two favorites and some o' the foods be double fa'orites. Gross pizzas fer Fred, er, Fed, and spicy meats fer Fran.

BC: So there's absolutely no rigging of the arenas whatsoever?

TTK: What ye take me fer? A pirate has more honor than the common thief does! Not all be pillagin' villains, ye know.

BC: Okay... next question. What do you like, not like, or wish were different about Food Club?

TTK: I already answered the first part o' yer question. I be likin' all the free food, and they have a good medical plan, too. Yarr, ye can quote me on that. They don't want to lose their best eaters. Fer what I don't like, it be the neggs and lack o' 'egetables. As fer what I wish were different, I wish there be less Grarrls and Techos. There be too many o' 'em. Maybe add a Jetsam or two. Nay, Peophins, Peophins and Flotsams. There be a less chance o' 'em bitin' yer hand off. It be a shame few go on land, but there always be the seaside arenas like the Lagoon and Treasure Island. And I wish there be less meats and more vegetables. That would even the odds between me and Gooblah, Scur'y Dan, and Franchisco Cor'allio.

BC: Any final advice before we conclude this interview?

TTK: Pay yer tab at Harpoon Harry's!

BC: Thank you, Mr. Tailhook.

TTK: No, pay yer tab. Ye be runnin' up a steep bill. And watch out fer Pirate Bobs.

Five years of eating, five years of competition, five years of entertainment. Food Club still remains the great spectacle it started as, each pirate still eating it all in order to be the best. Why? Well, that's a story for another time. Perhaps, if you have the time, you can go down to Krawk Island and watch a match or two. And remember to watch out for Pirate Bob, whoever he is...